Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Opinion on whether this is rape?

24 replies

RumblyGrumbleNoise · 01/07/2017 11:03

Group of 14/15 year old's at home while parent is out. Heavy drinking of spirits very intoxicated. Girl goes to lie down in bedroom and is joined by 14 year old boy and after no speaking or kissing (foreplay?) Boy starts having sex with girl. Girl is aware of what's happening but doesn't say no or seem to be enjoying it. After he's finished he gets off and leaves. Other teenagers are aware of them having sex but not really mentioned again.
I've just read a few threads recently and just got me thinking. Also unsure whether this would class as rape really?

OP posts:

BeefyCakes · 01/07/2017 11:07

Yes it is, no consent was given

PacificDogwod · 01/07/2017 11:08

If she was too intoxicated to consent or otherwise, yes, it was rape

MrsDustyBusty · 01/07/2017 11:08

Of course it's rape. Go to the police.

AnnoyedByAlfieBear · 01/07/2017 11:09

Yes it is.

BertrandRussell · 01/07/2017 11:10

Yes.

BattleaxeGalactica · 01/07/2017 11:10

Yes it is.

Simply not saying 'no' doesn't imply consent in any way.

MrsKCastle · 01/07/2017 11:12

Absolutely rape. No indication of consent whatsoever.

Original poster

RumblyGrumbleNoise · 01/07/2017 11:12

Really? But i didn't say no? As a 14 year old maybe lack of sexual experience would make lines of consent skewed? I certainly didn't feel like it was rape at the time but since growing older it's made me look back and think that maybe a discussion should have happened first?

OP posts:

Original poster

RumblyGrumbleNoise · 01/07/2017 11:12

OP posts:

BrokenBattleDroid · 01/07/2017 11:13

So a drunk girl just lay there and he got on with having sex with her? She didn't move or speak, so he had no idea whether she was even aware of it, plus she didn't consent in any way? Yes, that'd be rape. Sounds horrendous

BrokenBattleDroid · 01/07/2017 11:16

Your idea of what consent is etc may have been underdeveloped in terms of words but would you have thought it was ok to just jump onto a drunk lad lying in a bed and start sexually assaulting him? No, because you feel that it wouldn't be right. He wasn't bothered about that - it was rape. Very sorry OP

MrsKCastle · 01/07/2017 11:17

maybe a discussion should have happened first?

God, this make a me angry. Not you, OP, I feel nothing but sympathy. But what kind of world do we live in where you could be in any doubt? A boy joined you and started having sex without any discussion, without any active participation, without any indication at all that you were up for it. He had no bloody right at all to do that. Damn right there should have been a 'discussion'.

MrsKCastle · 01/07/2017 11:20

Just realised how angry my last post was. Rumbly, it sounds as though this was a long time ago but it must be hard to process of you're now seeing it in a different light. Are you ok? Do consider speaking to someone like Rape Crisis of you need to talk about it.

FastAbsorbingCake · 01/07/2017 11:35

So this was you? I'm very sorry this happened. Yes it was rape, consent was not given or even asked.

I know it can be very hard to process looking back. I was raped by a 'friend who was a boy' at about the same age. Ironically he walked me home as my boyfriend had been drinking…

I was fortunate in that I came to this realisation while in councelling for some thing else so was well supported, but I was in my 30 before the realisation struck. Even though I have work with people who have survived sexual violence.

Please think about talking to Rape Crisis, it really can help.

GreeboIsACutePussPuss · 01/07/2017 11:38

Yes it is, you did absolutely nothing to indicate you were up for it and of course there should have been a discussion or at least some sign of you joining in. At 14 with none of your 'friends' reacting I can completely see why you didn't realise how wrong he was at the time. how are you feeling?

HarmlessChap · 01/07/2017 12:01

Well it certainly sounds like rape, if there had been interaction with the boy, before she went to lie down, leading to him believing that she wanted/expected him to join her and have sex then I could see that he may not have felt it was non-consentual but still that wouldn't have made it OK.

Stripyhoglets · 01/07/2017 12:24

There's an advert I saw on the telly the other days saying if someone is too drunk to agree to sex that's not consent - it is rape. I'm sorry this happened to you.

HarmlessChap · 01/07/2017 12:50

Srub my earlier post, at 14 she was not legally old enough to give consent so it had a to be rape even if he was the same age he knew full well that she could not give consent.

Original poster

RumblyGrumbleNoise · 01/07/2017 13:08

Thank you for all of your replies.
Yes it happened to me nearly 20 years ago but recently read a thread on aibu that made me think/remember what happened to me. I had never or since for that matter drunk to that degree and almost in my head made it to be the reason for it happening.
He was a friend of mine and was after it happened just never spoke about it again.
I'm actually OK with it all just made me think now I've got babies how I would never want them to behave like that.

OP posts:

HarmlessChap · 01/07/2017 13:22

Thankfully, I think education around the subject of sex, sexual health and consent is very good these days if my teenage DCs school is anything to go by. Back in the 80's when I was growing up sex education was dreadful, focused on the biology and nothing else. Eventually when AIDS became a thing there were external speakers who came in to cover safe(er) sex but I don't remember any discussions about consent and it wasn't even something many parents spoke about.

PacificDogwod · 03/07/2017 20:00

I am sorry you had that experience and glad that you feel ok about it
And yes, I too think that SexEd has improved although education about relationships could still be better IMO.

I think it is really important that our boys understand the concept of meaningful consent: somebody who cannot give consent has to be assumed to be saying 'no'.
I have 4 sons, 2 of them young teenagers, and I use the phrase 'enthusiastic' consent. I also tell them to not badger girls for sexual favours... they assure me that they still think girls are 'stupid'. I am not sure whether to be offended or relieved

Original poster

RumblyGrumbleNoise · 03/07/2017 20:14

Thanks for reassurance Pacific. Yes I also have 2 boys (although still toddlers) I really hope it improves even further when they are at school.

OP posts:

Original poster

RumblyGrumbleNoise · 03/07/2017 20:14

Thanks for reassurance Pacific. Yes I also have 2 boys (although still toddlers) I really hope it improves even further when they are at school.

OP posts:

changemyname1 · 03/07/2017 20:38

Can I ask a similar question; 16 yo female 26 yo male.

For some time there had been kissing, fondling and fingers in fanjo then just days after 17th birthday lead to a place where sex take place. Nothing spoken so unsure that it's going to happen but does nothing to stop it.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread