Wife forgot birthday. AIBU

[user1488408666]

Hi.

Looking for a female perspective.

It was my birthday a few weeks ago. My wife (of 14 years) completely forgot. She only remembered when my daughters wished me a happy birthday in the morning.

She went and wrote the card there and then.

We had a couple of hours in the morning together where she barely said a word to me (not in a nasty way. I think she just wanted to watch TV) then went to work (i had the day off). When she came home she came in, complained that she was hot and tired, ate and then went straight to bed without a second thought.

Am i being unreasonable by feeling a little hurt?

We aren't big on birthdays but i always try to make her feel a bit special.

We have a great relationship and are close do i am not concerned about any possible underlying issues.

I know its only minor compared with all the terrible stuff going on in the world.

Would welcome a female perspective.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel hurt - I think the least she could have done was apologised when she realised and tried to make it up to you! I think it's pretty poor that she realised in the morning but then came straight home from work, ate and went straight to bed. Have you discussed it with her? Had you had any discussions prior to your birthday about things you'd like to do?

She was spectacularly lazy. She had bought a card, but scribbled in it hastily, there was no present, but worse than that there didn't even seem to be any acknowledgement that it was your birthday.

The least you can expect on your birthday is a bit of loving banter about it. A bit of laughter and maybe a hug. Something to give you the warm and fuzzies.

It seems it was an entirely fuzzy-free experience.

Is this a reverse?

Whichever way, it's spectacularly thoughtless and even unkind. You have every right to feel hurt. Would she be this uncaring to your children, friends, other family members? Unless there is some backstory - i.e. she's just rolled in from Afghanistan - then I can't see how everything else can be hunky dory.

I think its really mean of her and you are right to feel saddened by her response.
Don't brush it under the carpet OP, your feelings are perfectly normal and by ignoring them you are in danger of doing what she did: invalidating yourself.
Birthdays are special. Ok, you don't need a bells and whistles celebration but you do need some form of acknowledgement, even if its just a cheap card and a hug. I'd tell her how you feel then go out and treat yourself to something big and expensive.

If you aren't big on birthdays, then I think YA a bit U.

Had you been talking about your birthday, suggesting what you wanted, what you might do on the day - even if that was 'just a card really', or anything else to hint it was your birthday?

If DH and I didn't talk about our birthdays, neither of us would remember each others. We regularly forget our wedding anniversary despite it being engraved on our wedding rings

However her not doing anything else in the evening is a bit off. But again, if you haven't made it clear that 'not being big on birthdays' still means 'I want something' then it is partly of your own making.

I think that's mean of her to be honest and I'd definitely mention it. Say you felt hurt she forgot and that she didn't try to make even a bit of a fuss (how hard is it to buy a cake?).
If my DH dos this, I'd be hurt and tell
Him so

You're not being unreasonable to expect a little bit of a fuss, even if you don't really do birthdays! I don't get how one person can forget though, was it not mentioned by you or the dc the day before? She'd got a card so guess she knew it was coming up.

But then my parents always did banners, balloons and birthday teas, so it's what I think of as normal! Not expense, but a bit of thought and spoiling definitely.

I've never been one to celebrate birthdays after the each of 16, so I think you're being a bit dramatic. Each to their own. You can't argue a feeling

I think its pretty piss poor to be honest. One has to make an effort. With my partner i have the card, maybe the flowers and a cook a nice evening meal. Sometimes we arrange a holiday or event as our birthdays are close

How old are your DC? I find it odd that they remembered and wished you happy birthday without prompting from your wife (if they are young) or without discussing it with her if they're older - EG "Mum, what have you got dad for his birthday?"

I don't do a lot of fuss on birthdays but I would certainly be hurt by this.

Pocketsaviour. My kids are 6 and 4.

That's really shitty of her. Even if you don't do anything big for birthdays to completely forget and ignore you all day is really inconsiderate.

So I'm assuming she didn't get anything for your children to give you either?

I would stop making her feel special on her birthdays because she obviously doesn't think you're very special.

Sorry OP.

You are not big on birthdays.
This can therefore happen with the rest of life thrown at us.

That's shitty of her :( even if you're not big on birthdays, it doesn't take much to make an effort.

Maybe it would be a good idea to have a discussion about birthdays going forwards - say that you felt hurt by her lack of effort, and it's made you realise that actually you would like to do a bit more to celebrate each other's birthdays. That way you know where you stand with each other.

That's pretty shit of her really. I would forgive her forgetting, we all have busy lives, yada yada, but the rest of it would upset me. A little bit of fuss would be nice, a takeaway for tea or something. It's a bit childish but I wouldn't be doing much when her birthday comes around.

This has got to be a reverse, a grown man wanting a fuss made over him, really ?

LTB (itch)

I've always wanted to do that! 😝

Ah, OP. That is shitty. I think you may need to elaborate tbh. Is she generally pretty neglectful to you but you expected a little more attention as it was your bday? Or has something changed in recent time?

Too difficult to say without knowing the extent of your relationship in general.

Obviously she didn't take the 'day off' to spend with you but she couldn't even be bothered to even interact with you when she was at home. I would be miffed too.

"This has got to be a reverse, a grown man wanting a fuss made over him, really?"

I think a hastily scribbled card and fuck all else is so far short of "a fuss" that he's got the right to feel a bit pissed off. She may not even have bought the card for him - we have a box of spare cards we keep in the house for short-notice kids parties etc.

OP - if you were to do the same on her b'day how would she react?

This has got to be a reverse, a grown man wanting a fuss made over him, really

My dad would be gutted if my mum forgot his birthday! She makes him a cake and birthday breakfast and dinner every year.