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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Forgiving him

23 replies

Literallottie · 30/05/2017 21:55

I found out recently that my husband has been having an affair with someone at work. I can't go into details as I don't want to identify myself but I've spoken to them both, they both have apologised and said it was a silly and non sexual serious of encounters that got out of hand. I love him so much and trusted him so much. I am trying to make things right again but worried my trust and forgiveness is wasted and I'll be hurt again. Has anyone been here before and made a success of it or do I call it a day and cut my losses before I invest more in the relationship?

OP posts:

Oopsthatstornit · 30/05/2017 22:02

Oh, op, I'm sorry.

Been there, took him back, it's awful, cut and run now and make a better life for yourself

BorisTrumpsHair · 30/05/2017 22:04

Surely it is your H who needs to make things right again? you didn't have an affair, he did.

Original poster

Literallottie · 30/05/2017 22:05

Was hoping for a magical influx of supportive messages saying things will be ok. What happened for you, are you still together?

OP posts:

Original poster

Literallottie · 30/05/2017 22:06

Boris absolutely agree 100%, by making things right I should clarify I meant that he gets a chance to fix the damage HE caused

OP posts:

HildaOg · 30/05/2017 22:07

What is he doing to make things right? He's the one in the wrong. Is he still associating with this woman?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 30/05/2017 22:09

Has he left his job?

yetmorecrap · 30/05/2017 22:10

Oh and you don't have to forgive, you can remain together and build trust again, but forgiving isn't compulsory

TheFaerieQueene · 30/05/2017 22:13

I've been there. The insidious distruction of your peace of mind is relentless. I couldn't live like that and left. The best thing I ever did.

Original poster

Literallottie · 30/05/2017 22:14

Hilda - he still works with her so cannot avoid her in that sense (genuinely no option to move etc) I can only go on what he tells me - that he tries not to speak to her other than when he has no option due to work needs. Her partner knows about it and has also given her another chance. i do think he means it but then I also never thought he'd do something like this in the first place hence my dilemma

OP posts:

HildaOg · 30/05/2017 22:19

Do you have children? If not, I wouldn't waste another second. If you do I can understand why you'd want to save the relationship.

Is there no way he can move somewhere else within the company?

He's put you in a terrible situation. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Original poster

Literallottie · 30/05/2017 22:26

He really can't move jobs, it's terribly complicated and would be the obvious solution if it were an option.
Yet more crap, I like your stance (obviously as you're telling me what I'm wanting to hear!) but that I do not have to forgive him but that there might be a way around this.

OP posts:

Mylittlestsunshine · 30/05/2017 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kittensinmydinner1 · 30/05/2017 22:32

Not me but my sister. So have fairly accurate anecdote.
He had an affair.for 2yrs. Woman at work. Incredibly hackneyed story but no less painful for my dais for being so.
3 kids under 5.
Life had changed from being all about the two of them , to all about the children. Dsis became sahm . (Joint decision) He worked hard to support them. Both needed to take responsibility for not nurturing each other. BIL felt shut out as Dsis became Uber mum . He started being a lazy fucker and not doing his bit with the kids. (Hel'll say he wasn't 'allowed' .) I will give him some support in this view.
As he withdrew from family feeling unwanted he started disloyally moaning to the single female work colleague about his wife pushing him away. Instead of discussing the problem with his wife...
Affair began. Lasted 2 yrs. ended with the ultimatum. You tell her or I will... from OW.
Dsis devastated but refused to chuck him out as she felt this just gave him opportunity to be with her. She INSISTED that HE stay with the dcs for a week while SHE went to stay with me.
Long story short. She decided she could move past it. He wanted to stay. They had couples counselling every week for 14 months. It's not easy. But I would say 22 yrs later they have the strongest marriage I know

Mylittlestsunshine · 30/05/2017 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CookieMonster54 · 30/05/2017 23:16

I am confused by "non sexual series of encounters that got out of hand"? What does that mean? Does it mean a non sexual encounter became sexual? Does it mean just snogging? Does it mean hand holding? Or does it just mean long stares across the office? Does it mean sexting?

If I'm asking those questions from reading your post, I suspect you are, too. You can't forgive a betrayal without knowing the full extent of it. I think you need to tell him he has once chance and once chance alone to tell you everything. That once you've heard it, you'll decide what to do.

Then I think he needs to leave, and you need to think. Don't make a quick decision. Bathe in his betrayal for a while. Stew in it. Let it sink in. Let yourself get angry.

Because you will get angry. If not now, then later. And if you've already accepted him back when you do, you're going to feel like the bad guy in this - WHICH YOU ARE NOT.

Nobody can tell you what to do. But the most important thing is that you let yourself have the space to feel all the things you're going to feel either way.

Oopsthatstornit · 30/05/2017 23:22

Still together, but it's no good.

MangosAndPapayas · 30/05/2017 23:34

My friends DH had an affair, he left her and the DC for another woman, my friend never gave up on him and the got back together after a year apart and now 6 years later, they have never been happier.

I'm sorry but: "my friend never gave up on him" WTAF?!?!

PositiveAttitude · 30/05/2017 23:34

We are 20 years post this situation. It wasn't easy in the early days, but we worked on it and I was able to forgive and move on. I would not allow the trust issue to become a huge thing and we have been very strong and happy since then.

I did have to make a real effort to forgive and to put it behind us. DH worked 100% to earn back trust, otherwise it would not have been possible. I am so happy we worked together to make our marriage as strong as it is now.

best of luck to you. It can work if you both want it to.

kittensinmydinner1 · 31/05/2017 07:02

I am vehemently against the MN mantra of 'he needs to go and give you some space to process things'
Especially when there is another woman involved.
Why ? Because all this does is give a man who has JOINT responsibility for children - who has been lying and using time he should be with his family - off fucking the OW in hotels whilst claiming ' working away . Meanwhile, his DW stays home doing the drudge family stuff while he gets carte blanche to do more of the same. It just reinforces how much more enjoyable it is to have a new girlfriend who focuses solely on him and has the enthusiasm for sexual gymnastics whilst he can 'still be dad' by having the kids every other weekend ! It just makes the whole idea of actually separating much more attractive .

As women, I believe we just make it too dam easy for adulterous spouses to 'move on'. If the default move by a philandering spouse saying ' I'm leaving you for OW' was met with. 'The children will be with you half the week' - it would change the whole set up .

It's not the cheater than needs the time on their own . He has had too much of that ! It's the cheated. Trying to run a home/work and care for dcs whilst you are emotionally devastated is awful. You OP are the one needing the break to decide what to do.
Don't give him any leeway with the usual ' I can't work and do the kids'.. like 99% of all working mothers . He will have to work it out himself!

noego · 31/05/2017 09:08

Forgive and forget is BS. You never REALLY forgive and you NEVER forget.
If you want peace of mind. End the relationship and move on.

Mylittlestsunshine · 31/05/2017 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rizlett · 31/05/2017 09:39

Forgiving is not giving anything to anyone else but ourselves.

Forgiving is letting go of the hurt.

Because holding on to hurt damages everything.

Adora10 · 31/05/2017 10:48

Unless you gave him a consequence then there's a high chance he will do it again; did you kick him out, let him feel the loss of you or did you just brush it under the carpet, that won't work, it solves nothing; his behaviour has been deplorable, he needs to face a consequence for that, let him feel what it's like when you betray someone and take the fucken piss out of them.

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