Emotional affairs

[eswort]

Hi I need some advice about emotional affairs and the situation I’m in. A little background, my wife who I love dearly about 2 years ago fell for our ex neighbour. I became suspicious about how well they were getting on and the amount of texting and contact they had. I then discovered lots of stuff in the internet history of how to deal with unrequited love and loving someone you can’t have etc. all over a number of months. I was distraught, she acknowledged that she had to question herself about her feelings but assured me nothing happened, I had repeatedly asked her about the “friendship” and how I felt really uncomfortable it, but she just got angry often and denied they were anything more than friends, until I discovered the stuff in the internet history.
Allowing yourself to get in that situation of what I believe was falling in love with him made me feel very betrayed. I told her that I didn’t want her to go round for a coffee as she used to, but was ok with doing the social thing as a couple- we live in a small village so it’s difficult to avoid . He now lives down the road with his girlfriend though they don’t get on very well and has spoken to my wife on occasions about his problems with her, and maybe my wife has about us, I don’t know.
The issue I have now though is that I’m always a bit suspicious, he seems to “whatsapp” her about 4- 5 times a week , she will not usually tell me if he’s been in touch but if I ask then she will. I told her than that friendship is dead but it seems that they carry on through social media. I just think she still has feelings for him still, which are not platonic though she would deny this.
We keep going through a cycle of everything being ok, then I get upset and angry about him needing to contact her and its really frosty for a day or 2, then it settles down again. She says what do I want? I want him to f off, but that’s not possible, I have always felt an element of him bidding his time, that he’s aware of how my wife feels about him, he knows that it has affected our marriage a bit. It’s just a mess and each cycle we go through feels like a little nail in the coffin of our relationship.

Do you feel like you're wanting to give her an ultimatum?

Awh op, thats a shit situation to be in, but if i am entirely honest, she needs to cut the bullshit and all contact with this man. She obvs knows how it makes you feel and i think the shoe was on the other foot then she would expect the same from you. Its very disrespectful what shes doing.

I have sent you a PM --OP

I just don't understand it I keep saying that you just keep hurting me..but she thinks that im being way over the top with my reaction to their contact ..as bad as this is I have taken to monitoring when he's online and she is on whatapp so can have a fair guess at when they are communicating but feel this is a violation of trust though it's information in the public domain and I have told her..so we have a few good days and then I look and see they've been talking and I feel angry and upset and think why does he need to contact you again? its not anything flirty or suggestive he sends her funny pictures and stuff its just the need for contact on an almost daily basis that eats me up. It's not healthy for me, but to give the ultimatum of no contact she sees as being controlling or that I'm bullying. She says that she is friends with him and gf but the last time she texted her was haloween! i just feel he knows that he's under my wife's skin and it's all premeditated by him and that he has an ulterior motive.

You are not over reacting, if she had a 'thing' about him that you are aware of, she shouldn't be doing this at all regardless of who initiates. One thing I don't think you said, is he 'aware' your wife had a thing about him as otherwise he may well think it's friendship , I had that scenario , (well that's what I was told)