Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

DP's phone

20 replies

User2837 · 30/05/2017 08:18

Just for a bit of background - I used to suffer from irrational jealousy at the beginning of my relationship. It was unfounded and came from things in my past. I used to go through DP's phone alot (obsessively) and never found anything dodgy on there. Anyway I had some counselling and overcame all of that about 3 years ago and have been great since.
But recently I've noticed DP takes his phone with him everywhere - into bathroom when he showers etc.
I can feel this doubt creeping into my mind again but he's never given me any reason to suspect he's doing anything wrong as such. I don't know whether it's my issues surfacing again or whether it is odd. I know the passwords to his phone etc so maybe it is just me. I don't want to look through his phone as I worry it'll trigger old obsessions again and don't want to become irrational again.
But is there any real reason people would take their phone everywhere with them?!

OP posts:

Hassled · 30/05/2017 08:23

Does he know that you used to go through his phone? If so, is there a reason why he's recently remembered about it? It could just be a hangover from that - in a "don't touch my stuff" sort of way.

He could be obsessed with a game, he could be planning a surprise, he could be in touch with a mate you'll disapprove of, he could just view his phone as a diary, i.e private and out of bounds. If there is nothing else suspicious going on - no changes in behaviour etc - then please don't worry.

ShatnersWig · 30/05/2017 08:23

We get a thread like this every week pretty much. You'll get lots of women saying that they too take their phone everywhere with them. It is not necessarily a sign of anything underhand. A lot of people of both sexes take phones into bathrooms simply so they can see what the time is when they get out of the shower.

confusedforthesummer · 30/05/2017 08:23

I take my phone everywhere with me!

Mostly because if I put it down, it takes me 10 minutes to find it again. It also functions as my clock, alarm, bus/train timetable and source of mindless amusement... so when I don't have it I do feel slightly out of sorts.

That said, this is not new behaviour for me. It sounds like it is for your DP. Has he recently upgraded his phone or been through some other change that might explain it? And has any of his other behaviour changed?

In your shoes I would likely just monitor the situation for a couple of weeks, and make a decision as to how to proceed from there.

confusedforthesummer · 30/05/2017 08:24

Ha, Shatnerswig, I posted exactly as you predicted.

Original poster

User2837 · 30/05/2017 08:26

Hi Hassled - Yeah I was very open with him about it and he was great and supportive whilst I sought help for it back then. I even ruined him proposing to me because I'd found a text on his phone :( that's when I knew I needed help.
I don't want us to get back to that place again as the relationship was so strained and we actually ended up calling off the engagement due to my behaviour.
I keep trying to tell myself it could be a million other reasons and not to stress, but hearing it from you too does help.

OP posts:

BlahBlahBlahEtc · 30/05/2017 08:28

It could be habit, it could be that he spends 10 mins browsing the net before he showers etc. It could be that he worries about you checking his phone, I assume he knows the past issues?
I'd try talking to him and see what his reason is before any one jumps to conclusions.

Original poster

User2837 · 30/05/2017 08:29

Thanks - hearing that other people do the same does help. I just leave my phone everywhere so don't think of taking it with me but it does make sense what you've all said. I didn't want to bring it up to him cos I don't want him to worry.
Gosh reading this back I feel like I sound about 16!! Pathetic!

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 30/05/2017 08:30

The number of people I know who have said their phone dropped down the toilet suggests to me the majority of people now take it with them actually. Although I can honestly say I don't if I'm having a shower in the morning but will take it if I'm lounging in the bath one night.

Gingerbreadmam · 30/05/2017 08:31

my dp has a game he is obsessed with and loves reading the news.

his phone always goes to the toilet with him. Often he starts a shower by going to the toilet first so again the phone goes.

it does annoy me though because it is enough to put you on edge. his is always on silent too and almost always face down when not in his hand which is very rare

Hassled · 30/05/2017 08:33

You don't sound pathetic at all - if the jealousy comes from stuff that happened in your past then whatever happened obviously had a massive impact on you, and you're doing what you can to overcome it with counselling and by asking for advice. Those are the actions of a strong woman.

kingfishergreen · 30/05/2017 08:36

I feel the same as you OP, I've been that wildly obsessional frenzied phone checker, and I fight it every day. I fight the thought that my 'gut' is speaking, but I'm not acting - because my gut is unreliable (enter fear-loop about that, and whether I've missed something or he's managed to pull the wool over my eyes).

I don't have any real advice to offer, but you're not alone in feeling like this. I'm an otherwise completely functional adult, but I have a trust itch, which when scratched turns into an absolute monster.

I just remind myself that the 'good will out' and if he's up to 'something' it'll come out, the truth has a way of being heard.

mrholmes · 30/05/2017 08:41

What does just recently mean. If he used to leave his phone everywhere and then starts taking it everywhere it's a change in behaviour.

I'm not saying he's up to anything but Im just curious as to why the sudden change if he never used to do this before.

mrholmes · 30/05/2017 08:43

That's an If by the way.

Original poster

User2837 · 30/05/2017 09:15

kingfisher - glad to hear I'm not alone, but also sorry that you feel the same. It really is a horrible thing to carry around isn't it. I've come miles from where I used to be - would really recommend CBT and books like "the power of now" etc if you can. Some people just don't click with them but they really helped me.

mrholmes - well I'm not sure. I've only started noticing it, but it could be that he has done that for a while to be honest.

OP posts:

mrholmes · 30/05/2017 09:29

Then I have no idea to be honest. My partner is attached to her phone and is pretty much close by her all the time. I just leave mine everywhere and don't even take it out with me at times.

Sounds like you may be feeling insecure and anything you do might feed that again.

I can't comment because There is not enough info. If he is acting strange his behaviour and routine has changed, going out more, secretive with his phone, coming home late e.t.c then fair enough but it sounds like this is in your own head.

EmilyBiscuit · 30/05/2017 09:38

Did your CBT therapist teach you any techniques for dealing with the urge to check DPs phone? I had some for dealing with anxiety that I generally don't need anymore, but I have found that every now and then it helps me to go back to the prescriptive way of dealing with it.

Original poster

User2837 · 30/05/2017 09:42

Emily - yes he did, actually I think I still have alot of my notes somewhere so might be worth digging them out and looking back over. I have to say it was the best thing I did for myself!

OP posts:

kingfishergreen · 30/05/2017 10:31

Thanks 2837 I had CBT 'back in the day' but at the time I had OCD which was manifesting in different ways, so I've never had the paranoia/checking symptom directly 'therapised'. It seems likely that the incessant need to check is just another symptom of OCD.

All-in-all - you're not alone and no stranger on the internet can tell you what's actually happening with your DP. PPs are correct that behaviour change can indicate that something is 'going on' and usually I'd say "trust your gut" but I am well aware that sometimes our guts are not a reliable witness x

messofajess · 30/05/2017 11:33

OP have you thought about asking him? Like I used to be like this as well and now if something is worrying me I say to my DH: I'm reading over my CBT notes at the moment but have your phone behaviours changed? Then I apologise for being a bit looney. Will it maybe upset him if you bring it up at all?

sweetchilli77 · 30/05/2017 12:26

unfortunately as sad it sounds, me and my husband are terrible for this. I take my phone in the bath, so i can browse my FB twitter instagram etc. Even on the loo...the difference here is that neither of are secretive about it. If i walked in on my husband on his phone he wouldn't shut it down he would carry o and same with me...

Is your husband doing any of this?

However just because you have had a past in being jealous doesn't mean your are being unreasonable this time...

Flip