Living with MIL

[Tryingtomakeitwork17]

DP's DM's health is deteriorating and is becoming increasingly dependent on DP.
So after considerable thought DP has decided to move back in with her and extend the house so that he can look after her (with the help of a carer). If we get married, this will be our set-up.

Dp is her only child and she has been a single parent since DP was barely a toddler. As a result they are very close.

I love that he is good to his mother and I love her too. She has raised a good man and I have utmost respect for her and their relationship.

However I'm nervous and don't know if the reality will be more than I can cope with. I know that sounds selfish but I have to be honest about how I feel.

DP says he wants nothing more than for us to get married and start a family together. But he will never put his DM in a care home.

He says he would be heartbroken but completely understands if it's a deal breaker for me.

I'm overwhelmed. And don't know what to think.

On one hand I love DP and think it could work.
On the other I don't know if I would be able to cope in reality.

You will need separate accommodation and possibly some sort of care package. If 'they' think you will manage you could end up in a bad place.
Says the voice of experience!

Hi lynmilne65 thank you for your post.

Sorry, my OP maybe wasn't clear. I meant that DP is moving back to his childhood home i.e. his mother's house and is planning to extend so that there is more space in case we have a family.

The carer would be part time, not live in.

It is likely you would shoulder the burden of carer if you lived there. That would be incredibly difficult with small children as well.

It would be a dealbreaker for me. But it's easy for me to say.

My MIL lives with us and our 2 DC. It's not our ideal but it is our only option right now. We all have to compromise. We get on fairly well but theres not enough space. We hope to be able to change things in a few years. I do feel a bit hemmed in and feel the lack of privacy frustrating sometimes. But other times it's nice to have female company and a live in babysitter!

How old is she OP?

That's an encouraging post Fluffy, that's sort of what I'd be hoping for. Not ideal but doable.

She is 76 Reow

It would be a no from me as you are moving onto her home which will make it difficult if you are unhappy with anything. Could you not suggest buying your own place nearby thereby partner can pop in to give support - if your partner is going to be at work all day you may also end up as the default carer if you are at home with babies?

I think you would need to have very clear boundaries agreed so that you do not end up doing a lot of caring. Also, given the Tories "dementia tax" the house may have to be sold on MIL's death so your investment in extending it would be forfeit.

It's a huge decision and a big ask from you

Having had potentially the same challenge, I think the biggest worry is that his mothers care and support will primarily fall on you. Caters can only do so much. I have unhappy memories of DH assuming that both his parents would be cared for but that I'd be the primary support as his job meant he was often away or working unpredictable hours. It didn't occur to him to give that up and swap to a normal job with normal hours, it was my career that took the hit because it made more sense and seemed logical. I still resent it somewhat.

What are the health issues OP?

Gosh. My last (8 year) relationship was with a man who put his mother first every time. Not just sometimes but always. It was too hard for me in the end and I walked. I'm sure that nicer women than me would have coped. I couldn't cope with always coming second to his mother.

Not something I could do.

If you have children, you will be at home during your mat leave and may sleepwalk into being the default carer.

Eyes wide open op.

Joysmum, yes I see what you mean. For us it would probably be the other way round as my job is much more fixed whereas DP is self employed and therefore would have the flexibility should he need it.

Her health issues are not of the terminal illness (I don't want to say anything more in case MIL is a MNer and she would definitely be my kind of mumsnetter if she were as she's fiesty, opinionated, kind) but they are significant enough to need daily care.

I think he is making a mistake that will impact on you all to your overall detriment. He (as well as his mother) could very well be underestimating the amount of time and care she needs. If she needs daily care then neither he or you should actually take on that task full time. Carer burnout and fatigue are real possibilities here. It is causing a degree of resentment already.

Has she had a needs assessment done?

His own business will likely fall by the wayside over time and he could too easily get carer burnout. He may well find that the carers (plural is deliberate) will have to be funded out of her own savings. Also they stay for only a certain period of time; any extra time allocated will have to be paid for.

It may also come to pass that she will need a higher level of specialist care than he or you are able to provide far earlier than expected. My Nan never wanted to go into a home either and had carers but it took a huge toil (both emotional and physical) on my dad who did this for several years. Towards the end of her life her needs were such that home carers were not enough to meet her needs and she needed specialist care in a home. It was not at all easy to find such a place and it took some weeks for that to happen.

Oh dear Attila. You are highlighting perfectly the points that are causing me anxiety about the whole thing.

DP seems to be stuck in the mentality of promising his dm that he'll never put her in in care home. And for now, as long as she is still mobile enough, I don't think it is a huge issue.

But I think dp and I need to understand better how care homes versus home care, works.