How do you share finances when you get together as an older couple?

[ravenmum]

I was going to put this in Money but I'm not sure that's the right place as I'm more interested in what people think is fair or how they feel than the practical side.

I'm just wondering about this theoretically for now as I'm nowhere near moving in with anyone, but I guess I might want to one day.

If you get together when young then have a family together it feels natural to share all the family money - but what about when you get together in your 50s so don't have children together? Do you share some or all of your earnings? What if he earns more, or a lot more; does he then pay for joint holidays etc. if he wants to go somewhere nice? I'd feel a bit uncomfortable about that...

Well it depends where you live.
My ExP moved in with me so basically paid me 'rent'
He then paid for most things, going out, holidays, etc.....
It evens it itself out that way and worked for us.

I would suggest separate accounts with a joint account for shared spending (household, holidays, special purchases etc), and you pay in proportionately depending on your earnings. So if your partner earns double your salary for example, he/she would pay in double what you pay. It doesn't get over the challenge of spending on gifts for each other where one might have a clear financial advantage over the other, but in that case, you can always agree a fixed budget, and if the other chooses to spend more, then that is his/her prerogative and you need to find a way to be at peace with that if you want to be together. Just my twopence ;-)

I'm not poor but don't make a huge amount of money and still have the kids to support a bit - looks like they might both go to uni - so don't really want to spend much on myself now. As a result I find myself dating men who don't have a huge amount either, as otherwise I feel under pressure to spend more. I really don't feel comfortable about accepting gifts from people. But starting to think I might just be limiting myself unnecessarily by actually avoiding well-off partners!

When I met my partner, we both owned our own homes. I moved in with him, and he won't let me pay any rent or bills. So I buy all the food and household stuff, and we just pay for meals out /holidays etc equally but informally.

It works for us. You'll find the right balance. I wouldn't limit your choice of men to less well off ones. A man with comfortable means may be more laid back about your living arrangements.

I too am avoiding those men who like "fine dining" or nipping over to Europe a lot. I can do some stuff like that but not a lot. Maybe a PP is right and we shouldn't limit ourselves but I am sure it would bring up more difficulties if available income was very different.

When my aunt married and moved in with her boyfriend, they were both in their late 60s/early 70s. They kept all finances separate and had a prenup because the adult children of his were having conniption fits about their inheritances. Kind of a mute point though as the relationship didn't survive. Dating was fun, living together-not so much. I am not sure how they set up their living expenses though.

my partner and i moved in together in our mid fifties and he earns a lot more than i do so we came to the arrangement that i pay for the food and he pays the rent and other bills, and when we look at our annual holiday i pay half towards it and provide my own spending money whilst on holiday we have seperate bank accounts

My DH and I got together in our 50s. When we moved in together we opened a joint account into which all out money goes every month. Out of that all household bills are paid, we take some out to put in various savings accounts (holidays, birthday and Xmas, miscellaneous - for unexpected things like car problems, broken washing machine etc - and a couple of ISAs) whatever's left is ours to do what we like with. There is no "my money" and "his money" it's all ours, even though his is a full time wage and mine is only two days a week. Works well for us as we have the mindset that we are a family unit and what's his is mine & vice versa.

Thanks for the stories. My grandmother married at 80 and I remember her partner's family were worried about where "their" money would go. Having grown up a stepchild I've always been uncomfortable about accepting money from people I'm not actually related to. I guess I probably would be happier with a more complicated arrangement but it is nice to hear that it works both ways. (Especially here on MN where you hear these stories about awful tightfisted partners!)

My advice,never move into someone elses home unless you have a right to be there as part owner or on the rental agreement.

Always maintain separate personal bank accounts and keep a joint account for household expenses