Feel guilty

[wobblywonderwoman]

DH brings DC to visit elderly in laws when I am at work. I worked six day weeks the past few weeks. I hadn't visited his parents for several weeks but had seen them recently when they visited ours.

The inlaws are lovely but very old fashioned and opinionated. I don't really enjoy the visits and resent it after a long week at work. I said a few things to dh and he was very snappy with me and doesn't want me to visit for three months as if I don't like going he doesn't want to hear it.

Just for context - I am usually left with mil and she talks about church, inserting a pessary into herself and just way tmi - usually very nice but a fee snippy comments about me needing to visit more and visit the extended family.

I now feel dh is really annoyed with me. I get the feeling he wants me to visit them more but it is quite sexist in that he doesn't visit mine and 'oh he's such a hard worker' is all I hear. I work the same. We bring home the same salary each.

But I feel we won't get over this. He had never really looked at me like he did the other night.

What can you do? If they're not horrific people then why not just go with the flow. It's not easy, I know, but they're his parents and he's obviously devoted to them. Some people just don't realise they're causing offence. Maybe I'm too soft, but I just think that life's too short.

Why do you have to visit his parents but he not yours?

Tell him you'll visit his family as often as he visits yours.

Fairs fair.

They are good people. That's why I feel guilty. I just resent the time as I have a relative who is sick in my side of the family and work full time with small DC. I just should have keep my thoughts to myself with dh. He has since contacted his mother to gently tell her to drop the guilt trips. But I know deep down he would like me to visit get more and for me to nod and smile.

Do you think his parents feel guilty, hell no. You are not from a dysfunctional family of origin but are emotionally healthy. They have taken full advantage your good nature and the probability that you have not come across people like them before either.

You do not have to suck it up buttercup either. Maintain and reaffirm your own boundaries instead. Opinionated and/or old fashioned people are really not good people to spend any time around, how do your children actually benefit from seeing such people?. You would not have tolerated this from a friend and family are no different. You would not want to hear about any pessary insertion from that person either so why should you have to tolerate this at all from his mother?.

You have a DH problem here as well really. Why does he not see your parents?. It also sounds like your DH is in a FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) state with regards to his parents and still wants their approval so defaults into child mode. That in itself is a problem. His own inertia when it comes to his parents also hurts him as well as you. His loyalty should be to you now primarily, not his parents.

If you do not want to see them there is no law to say that you have to; you have every right to have and maintain boundaries here. I would also keep your children well away from his parents as well, it will do them no favours for them to see his parents either.

"But I know deep down he would like me to visit get more and for me to nod and smile"

Of course he would because he does not want to have to deal with his parents at all. He cannot and equally will not want to do that because he would then have to realise that his parents are not the people he was led to believe they were. He'd rather see you and the children cop it from them instead so he is spared their barbed comments, its all part of the conditioning he has received from them.

I know exactly how you feel. My FIL and his partner are Daily Mail reading Ukippers (we are not remotely that way and have a very European centric business but based here) My FIL's partner seems to dictate everything to be near her family rather than my FILs (and its him that has the cash ) and she goes on constantly about various sick relatives on her side, but when politics gets mentioned she comes into the room flustered and goes "no politics, no politics" I have a chronic urge to say "no sick relatives". Luckily we both feel the same way about her and it upsets my DH that he never ever gets to see his dad anymore on his own and he doesnt think he is happy either.