It has to be game over

[NameChanger4000]

Me and DH have been arguing a lot lately- the stress of a high needs baby, my PND and his mental health problems (severe anxiety). But tonight I think we reached a breaking point.

He came home at 5pm saying he was ill and needed a 20 minuite nap before he could help me with the children. I was desperate for a hand the PND has been awful today but agreed. At 6pm there was still no sign of him so I woke him and asked him either to take our oldest DC or the baby. He sat with the baby on the sofa while I did the dinner/ bedtime routine.

Later he had a massive go at me for asking to help when he feels so ill and being moody that he had much longer than the 20 min agreed nap. He ended up calling me a fucking bitch and saying he can't stand me. He's gone back to bed and I'm sat up furious/ devastated. I can't cope with the children on my own :(

Coping with them alone must be easier than coping with him asleep in his bed, though, surely?

I'm so sorry OP. Having PND is bad enough without having to deal with your DH not supporting you. When he said he was 'ill', what was wrong with him? Does he do this a lot?
Parenting should be a partnership. Is he getting help with this anxiety?

Ill means feeling sick and exhausted from work apparently. I know he works long hours (he left at 7am) but I'm tired too.

He's done this a few times called on the way home to say he needs a rest because he's had a bad day or is tired. He seems to think the advance notice means I can't get upset about it. He says I bully him. :(

He was getting help from the GP but hasn't been in a while as he says the medication didn't work and the counselling waiting list is 6 months.

It must be really difficult for you with the PND. Do you have anyone else around you to provide some support? I'm not suggesting for a minute that your DH shouldn't do It, but after tonight's outburst he's clearly no use to you.

Are the kids settled now?

No I still have the velcro baby stuck to me. I know I should be enjoying newborn snuggles again but I feel like I'm drowning. House is a shit tip as well.

Your both tired, but him calling you a bitch isn't helpful and it's disrespectful.

Do you have any family close by?

No family no.

What a prat. Is he one of those that thinks it's easy being at home and you should be running around like Mary Poppins looking after him and the children?
You need total support in a partner, you agreed for him to have a nap the least he could do is stick to the time he agreed to.
I don't blame you for being angry, id be furious. Why name call? It's things like that that you can't take back.

But if he is suffering from anxiety at work that can be exhausting. If his fight or flight is kicking off during the day then of course he could be wrecked coming home. Some people when they wake up after a nap get very ratty. My dh does. It sounds like you are both at breaking point and there is not much give left. You need to get support outside to help you deal with your health issues. Were you having a go off him when he retaliated? All sounds very stressful.

No I just left the room and he went back to bed. Nothing more has been said about it he just went to work this morning as normal.

I think you are right we are at breaking point. He thinks I have it easier getting to stay home and if I'm honest I'm envious of him getting to leave the house. Today he works 8-8 so all childcare will be on me.

If he's struggling this badly with anxiety and stress at work, is there any possibility he could get signed off? It might be what you both need.

Then he would have a breather to look for other work maybe.

Not sure whether your high needs baby has health issues or you just mean very clingy? If the latter, it will get better and this stage will pass. If the former, I hope the same and you will find ways to cope.

He is complaining that he is ill with anxiety, it is hugely disappointing that he does not seem to have empathy with your own mental health issues- you have post natal depression. I have long standing anxiety and depression issues, and thankfully my treatment plan is working well but when I am at my lowest I would take a week at work over an hour looking after children. What you are doing is tough at best. SO first off, give yourself some credit for getting through the day.

As for him, calling you names is awful and not ok. If you think its game over, then thats your call. It might be worth contacting the homestart charity if you have one in your area. They are marvelous at giving support