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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me work out this difficult day with XH

19 replies

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 16/05/2017 18:33

Last minute problem with child care. I asked a friend to step in, said really no problem if you can't, I'll go to plan C. She said yes, no problem.

I went to work. XH spoke to friend, next thing I know he texts me to say, it's not convenient for friend, so I'll take DD.

AIBU to be annoyed with XH changing my plans? And upset with friend - although he could well have put pressure on her in such a charming way she didn't even notice...

And if I text friend to say I'm sorry you didn't feel you could tell me it's inconvenient, is that ok or will it come across as passive aggressive?

OP posts:
donners312 · 16/05/2017 19:09

yes i'd just leave it with your friend she was only trying to help and no doubt got duped by him. Its so difficult and frustrating isn't it.

rumred · 16/05/2017 19:10

Ring her and ask what happened. Tx no good in these situations

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 16/05/2017 19:11

It's a hell of a position that he put your friend in, she can hardly refuse to let your DDs dad take her (much as he was being a massive bell end). It's him I'd be pissed off with, not her. She really was put in a tough position.

nigelsbigface · 16/05/2017 19:12

He is being manipulative. Call your friend, find out what happened-apologise that she has been out in the middle of it.

Original poster
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 16/05/2017 19:24

Thanks for the replies, that's reassuring to hear as he makes me feel like I was being insensitive. He always made me feel that I was crap at friendships...

OP posts:
nigelsbigface · 17/05/2017 07:07

Yes...mine told me that all our mutual friends hated me and always had.He engineered a meeting with my best friend after we'd split to try and persuade her that in fact he hadn't lied or been shagging my other friend for a year and a half.She was my best mate and handed him his arse, obviously.Im not sure what else he expected.He called a third friend when I had put emergency but perfectly good child care arrangements in place when I was unexpectedly late back from something one night, and acted as if I had abandoned the children on the streets. Again fortunately she knew the kids were absolutely fine and happy and ignored him, before ringing me to tell me and wonder at what a dick he was being.Its all part of how they try to (sometimes not so) subtly undermine you and control you, whilst massaging their own ego. I've no idea why they feel they need to-but it seems fairly common.At first I found it hurtful, then infuriating.Now I just find it quite funny in a way...

ParadiseCity · 17/05/2017 07:11

I have sometimes been caught in the middle of things like this. I've noticed the mums always do whatever is best for their child, the dads always do what they think makes them look best to the outside world. If I were your friend I'd be thinking that your x is a tosser and pleased you weren't still together.

Hope your DD is better soon Flowers

Changedname3456 · 17/05/2017 07:58

Or perhaps he just wanted to spend the time with his daughter... did you originally ask him if he could take care of her?

I've seen other threads on here where at least some of the posters agreed that if one parent was free, but the other was working during what was their contact time, that the free parent should insist on hanging on to the dc rather than someone random looking after them.

YANBU to be annoyed that he stepped in with your friend without talking to him first, but possibly a bit U if you didn't at least give him the chance to have the extra time with DD.

neonrainbow · 17/05/2017 07:59

Is there a massive backstory here because surely her dad should be the first point of call if you need someone to look after her not a friend?

Original poster
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 17/05/2017 08:14

I lost a lot of friends when we split, but they'd always been his friends really.

I was wanting to say something to him yesterday, like don't do it again, but there's really no point.

Couldn't phone friend as I have an older DC up till 10ish and didn't want to be overheard criticising him. Hopefully I can catch her this morning.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 17/05/2017 08:19

If you needed childcare and your DD's dad is happy to have her then surely that should be the first choice? I'd be annoyed if I my child was being looked after by someone else when I would want to spend time with them. Unless there's more to it, I don't see the problem.

Original poster
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 17/05/2017 09:16

There is more to it, unfortunately. DD did not like going to her dad's as he usually ignores her and when he pays her attention had no concept of what a 6yo is like. That makes things awkward enough, but then he is determined to get "his rights" and have as close to 50:50 contact as he can (which is great in one way as he spent almost no time with them at all before we split and this had been better for them - I've watched their self-confidence improve as a result), so then returns them late or keeps them overnight, whatever we agreed. There's also the aspect of undermining me.

Anyway, I did catch up with friend and thanks to those who said she'd see through it - you were right. She said it seemed like power play, but she didn't feel she could say no to the dad... Just as you all said. I feel like we've got a bit closer as friends as a result, and I could have made things awkward with the text I was thinking of sending, so thanks!

OP posts:
neonrainbow · 17/05/2017 11:48

Well surely the more time he spends with her the more their relationship will improve?

ZeroFeedback · 17/05/2017 12:18

Did she go willingly when her dad picked her up yesterday?

If she did it may be a sign that she is getting over any concerns that she had or even that she only said she didn't like to in order to try and protect your feelings?

With neonrainbow and other pls on this, despite what your relationship may be like, your DD also needs a relationship with her dad and having him do his fair share of childcare - including weekday nights over if necessary - can only be good all round.

I have some sympathy with his reaction and it may not be a power trip or all for show. He may just want time with DC and even if he only realised how much after you split

Original poster
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 17/05/2017 15:26

Well, he gets 5 nights a fortnight with her, so plenty, really. It's the overriding of the plans I made that seems unreasonable.

OP posts:
AstrantiaMallow · 17/05/2017 17:08

I would speak to your friend and see what she says.
I would have thought if it was your time with your DD you organise childcare how you want.
How did he find out?

ZeroFeedback · 17/05/2017 17:12

I get that, I really do, however ...

If the roles were reversed would it also be unreasonable?

e.g He is due to have her for a couple of days as he is not due in work. He gets called in at the last moment and arranges for a friend to have her for a few hours but has not called to check whether you are available.

Not saying it is exactly the same and you would (or would not) go round to pick her up from the friend's; but I suspect you would feel put out and that your DD would be better off with her mother than a family friend or a friend of her father's

neonrainbow · 17/05/2017 17:33

If it was his contact time and needed someone to look after her, surely you'd prefer he contact you first to see if you could have her?

Original poster
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 17/05/2017 22:09

Actually no, because handover from one parent to the other is the most unsettling time. Once they've made the transition, they're fine as far as I can tell, but the goodbye is the difficult bit.

And I definitely wouldn't assume I knew his plans better than he did.

OP posts:
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