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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ripping lives apart

19 replies

Cko33 · 14/05/2017 00:48

^This is my first time ever posting so please be patient.
I'm a mother of 5 DC and in a relationship. My eldest DC left home and is pregnant with 1st GC. 13yr lives with exH. My 17yr old from previous relationship lives with me as does P and our 2 DC.
Been with P just over 10yrs. To look into our lives it would seem good. And if I had no other children other then the two we had together as far as P would be concerned it would be perfect. The whole situation is so complex. But I basically want to move out. As he makes life so uncomfortable for my other children when they come and see me. They are not allowed to stay over. He tries and pushes 17yr over the edge. He turns things around on me. Is moms opinion counts more then mine does when it comes to our DC.
But what do I do? How do I rip everyone's lives apart ?

OP posts:

OnTheRise · 14/05/2017 09:06

You wouldn't be ripping everyone's lives apart. He's the one doing that by being so mean to everyone. You'd be removing your children from an abusive home life and giving them the chance to live in a more secure, stable environment. Do it.

category12 · 14/05/2017 10:06

Put your dc first. I would no longer put up with his behaviour towards the ones who are not his. He's gotta go.

Original poster

Cko33 · 14/05/2017 11:45

On the surface he doesn't come across as mean. We don't actually argue anymore. When we used to, he would talk very quiet, if I tried to say anything he would talk over the top of me. So I would raise my voice a little. Going back n forth it would get to the point he would say I'm not talking to you whilst you shouting at me. I wasn't shouting but I was trying to say what I was feeling. And he would deliberately try and hit each of my trigger points. My biggest one being my kids and then my childhood. Then say I'm overreacting, I'm taking things out of context. ( basically I always put my kids first, and never a man)

OP posts:

lizzyj4 · 14/05/2017 12:07

I wouldn't put up with this, your DC need to come first (which they're not as long as they have to live with this, sorry). It's really unfair on your 17 year old, in particular. And it must be exhausting for you, constantly having to play referee - your dh sounds manipulative. It's no way to live.

Original poster

Cko33 · 14/05/2017 12:09

It's very complicated to explain. I had my own home car etc we had 2DC after 2nd DC I moved in to his house. As felt I should. He owned his home. He upgraded my car due to how many DC I had. But kept it in his name. I ended up losing most of my furniture to. He burnt it eventually. Initially I couldn't work as breastfeeding and mental health. Finances I survived on tax credits he paid his main bills I did food sky and other bits. He brought a small business which I worked day n night. There wasn't no wage for me. Yes I loved working it. But it did make me really ill in the end. I was being rushed off to hospital all the time. Discharging myself to go back to work. As we had to get rid of staff. And I was feeling pressure from him. We gave it up xmas the relief was unbelievable. Health wise I've just had my kidney removed which was making me ill. 3 weeks ago.
I have sat on the housing for a year quietly and a house has now come up. It needs major work. Which will be difficult in my situation. And I will be walking in with nothing. As I said the partner has made sure everything is in his name. And I know he will fight me every step of the way with the kids. I don't want that. As far as I am concerned he is a fantastic dad with his two kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cko33 · 14/05/2017 12:15

It is really bad for my 17yr old. They don't even talk to each other. If me and P have words. It always ends up her fault somehow. He always says she is to blame. She ended up in a mental hospital last year for 5 months. Part of it was what was going on in her own life. But when she came home. He tried to stop it. I had to have social workers force the issue. Then he start doing things that would irritate her. I.e. Switching plugs off in her room yet everywhere he would leave them on. It is the small things. To write out might not make sense. But to live them is different

OP posts:

PollytheDolly · 14/05/2017 12:16

He sounds like a complete bastard. Sorry.

category12 · 14/05/2017 12:20

He sounds abusive. Please get yourself and your dc out. he's not a good father if you're living like this. And he is gaslighting your mentally ill daughter. You cannot let him damage her so.

Hermonie2016 · 14/05/2017 12:22

He's incredible abusive.Please phone women's aid and you can be helped.Take the house, ask on Freecycle for furniture or charities.There is always a way to leave even of not a clear path now.Take one step.

TaggieRR · 14/05/2017 12:33

Has he always been difficult with your other dc's?

Original poster

Cko33 · 14/05/2017 13:54

When I first met him, he previously had been married. And both him and his ex wife couldn't have children. Both had the tests. He was really good with my DC. I still took my time moving in with him. I was with him over 5 years before I moved in. As previously stated we ended up having two kids before moving into together. My 13yr old didn't want to move to a new area/school. So he stayed with his dad. I have spoke to women's aid before over this situation whilst trying to work with the housing and ended up sleeping in the car due to them. I've also been on safeguarding alert too. They said they were going to do all this and that and now I have only one person who has stuck with me. And she is a lady from housing. I am terrified. I don't know how to tell him. I know everything will get turned around and I will be blamed. I know this. And I know the doubt will start in my head. I don't think he is a bad person. I just think what he wants he can't get from me.
I'm tired of sleeping in a chair until my youngest moves into his dad's bed so I can get a bed. I'm tired of this house not being my home. I'm tired of hearing my 2 young ones coming home and saying things to me that dad has said. I.e. I don't do enough the house is not mine I don't pay for anything basically I'm not good enough.
I sit here and just keep quiet. I'm so tired. I'm actually writing this and tears are filling my eyes.
I have never in my life posted or wrote like this anywhere. And it's like I've opened a can of worms and everything I've kept silent for so long is pouring out.
I used to be so strong. I used to be on the other side. I have walked out of a domestic abuse relationship before. It's so easy to say leave. But the fear is so great. I feel so sick my heart pounds and I shake all over thinking about it.

OP posts:

QuinoaKeen · 14/05/2017 14:44

You can be strong again 💐.
Do it for your kids.

contrary13 · 14/05/2017 14:47

"... he is a fantastic dad with his two kids..."

But you have 5 children. And you need to look at how he is treating your older children. Your 13 year old cannot spend the night with you, their mother, because of your partner. Your 17 year old is miserable, because of your partner. How long do you think it will take before the 13 year old refuses to see you at all? Before your 17 year old moves out and refuses to have anything to do with you at all? Before your first grandchild isn't allowed to spend time with you, at all, and your oldest child goes NC?

Because of your partner.

He might be "a fantastic dad to his own two kids" right now, but that won't always be the case, I'm willing to bet. And he's already turning them against you, too.

Leave him, let him try to fight you for your two children by him - you have already created a history as to why he shouldn't have primary care of them. Your older children can speak up as to what he's like, towards them, you, the younger children, too.

For the sake of your own health, sanity and for those of your poor children... leave him. Sooner rather than later. Because he is a nasty piece of controlling work, I'm afraid.

My ex used to do the talking quietly, then talking over me bit, too. It's a way of controlling the situation by ensuring that we feel frustrated - and raise our voices. Then they can paint us as "unreasonable" and "unstable" and "argumentative" and they "were only trying to say X, but we started yelling about Y...". One day, during mediation concerning our son, he made the mistake of doing it/with the woman who was trying to make him understand that taking a two year old onto a roof, and then leaving them there, was completely unreasonable behaviour and that my concerns for our son's safety were, indeed, perfectly valid... and didn't like the consequences. They trip themselves up/show their true colours to others outside of the relationship, eventually.

But protect all five of your children - and your soon-to-be grandchild, too. Leave him. Let him trip himself up and reveal how appallingly he is and has treated you.

Original poster

Cko33 · 14/05/2017 14:56

contrary13 he did slip up once in front of social services when I had to fight for my 17yr old to come home. He turned around really nastily said I was completely unreasonable putting my daughter first. Just cuz you was raped and your mom didn't put you first. Doesn't mean you always have to put your kids first.

OP posts:

contrary13 · 15/05/2017 11:02

Hang on...

You were raped, and your mother didn't put you first - so now you, as a mother, shouldn't put any of your children first?

Is that what he said?

Wow.

I get that a partnership/marriage is something that you hope is going to last forever - particularly when you have children together. You dream of growing old together and watching your little grandchildren playing by your knees... I get that.

But...

That's not the situation here. Surely you love all five of your children more than life itself? You'd put yourself between any one of them and a bullet/speeding car, wouldn't you? Think of your partner as a speeding car, rapidly heading towards the biggest wreck of its existence... and your children are all standing in the way.

Put yourself between them and him. Protect them. Leave him. Before your older children all refuse to have anything to do with you, you won't get the opportunity to watch your grandchild(ren) growing up, and you lose your younger children to his influence. Permanently.

Because that's what will happen, I'm afraid.

And only you can stop it from happening.

WatchingFromTheWings · 15/05/2017 11:11

Fantastic fathers don't bitch about their mothers to them. He's an abusive partner, abusive step-father and an abusive father. You need to get yourself and the kids out of there asap.

lizzyj4 · 15/05/2017 12:01

Keep telling yourself that you've done it before, you survived, you can do it again. And you don't have to do it alone, contact Women's Aid and let them help you. They will be able to help link you up with organisations that can supply furniture if you don't have any, for example.

I know it's scary, but putting yourself and your kids through this for another 20 - 30 years is even more scary, isn't it?

Original poster

Cko33 · 15/05/2017 13:30

And can you please explain how do I tell him? How do I do that?

OP posts:

kealey1977 · 15/05/2017 13:53

Hi, you don't need to tell him until you have another place for you and your children to stay and have sorted everything that goes with that. Then you can tell him that you have had to do this as you can not live like this or allow your children to be brought up thinking his behaviour is acceptable.

You can do this, you have done it before and you know that once you have your own place that is safe for you and all your children then your self esteem will come back. You need to be strong for yourself and your children as he is not going to change as he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong.

Get in touch with women's aid and get as much support as you can. Good luck

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