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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The saga continues

24 replies

Dontknow12 · 11/05/2017 08:06

So short story he cheated (even though he claims it wasn't) last year and a year ago tomorrow we broke up.

We have still been living together over the last year in separate bedrooms but the time has come that he is moving out this Saturday. It all came a head 2 weeks ago and we decided that he will still move but we would try to see if over the next couple of months we could fix things. Anyway things have been ticking along nicely over the last 2 weeks. We have spent time together (and dated each other).

Now comes the problem. I can't help but feeling like he is playing me for a quiet life until Saturday and then he will suddenly change his mind on the whole trying thing. He had a phone last year (which he thinks I don't know about) and last night suddenly that shows as Online on Whatsapp. I want to trust him I truly do but I can't go through the last 12 months again.

I should just be strong and call time on the whole experiment and let him go shouldn't I?

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 11/05/2017 08:10

Yes, you should.

Life shouldn't be this complicated.

Original poster
Dontknow12 · 11/05/2017 08:13

We were together almost 16 years. I am struggling with just giving that up so easily.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 11/05/2017 08:45

You could waste another 16yrs then come back here and tell us how it all went 🤔
Or find someone who treats you tight

Guiltypleasures001 · 11/05/2017 08:45

Right even

shyturnip · 11/05/2017 09:03

I'm confused. How could you know his online status on WhatsApp for his secret phone? He'd have to have been in your contacts for you to see him there.

PookieDo · 11/05/2017 09:12

Clearly he had the phone once a year ago then told OP he didn't have the phone anymore, and hasn't told her he is using it again.

I would let him go

user1482079332 · 11/05/2017 09:17

Cut your loses, 16 years is a long time but do you want to live through the bad stuff all over? Don't be stupid twice

0dfod · 11/05/2017 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/05/2017 09:51

"We were together almost 16 years. I am struggling with just giving that up so easily"

This is the sunken costs fallacy and it basically causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

The idea of sunk cost states that an investment of money, time or energy must not necessarily influence your continued investment of money, time or energy. The past investment is “sunk” into the endeavor and cannot be recouped. It is gone. Ongoing investment will not resuscitate what is gone when the investment is a bad one.

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs as you are doing now.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavor.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”
This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

Cut your losses and set yourself free of this individual, you are being played here.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 11/05/2017 09:54

He checked out of your relationship a year ago. .

Want2beme · 11/05/2017 10:04

Don't spend more years being unsure. I think your relationship will end eventually, anyway. That's what tends to happen.

category12 · 11/05/2017 10:14

You would be a whole lot better off calling it a day.

Happybunny19 · 11/05/2017 12:57

You say he cheated but claims he didn't, so no sorry you definitely can't trust him while he's still lying. Perhaps if he could finally be honest you could work on reconciliation, but until he's prepared to open up you need to move on for your own sanity. Good luck Wine

SparklingRaspberry · 11/05/2017 13:12

Sorry, I don't see the problem with him being online on whatsapp?

You do know it's not a dating app don't you?

If you could see he's online then he must have you in his contacts and vice versa. If so, it's hardly a secret?

Joysmum · 11/05/2017 13:15

Sorry, I don't see the problem with him being online on whatsapp?

I read it that the secret phone was online on whatsapp.

Dozer · 11/05/2017 13:20

He should move out as planned. You can continue to see him if you wish. He may well just not want the financial/housing disruption at this time: if he was really into you he would've grovelled to get back together before now.

nachogazpacho · 11/05/2017 13:21

It's great timing for him if he doesn't want to find somewhere else to live

Original poster
Dontknow12 · 11/05/2017 13:37

Thank you everyone. You have confirmed what I feared but knew was going to have to happen.

Just to clear things up a year ago he joined a dating site and got this secret phone. In my eyes, that's cheating whether it was a physical thing or not. He checked out of the relationship then and there.

It was the secret phone that was online last night. He doesn't know that I know what the number is. I would be in his contacts on that phone and I have added that number to mine (not that he knows that).

I have had coffee with a friend this morning who echos exactly what you have all said here. She has seen me struggle over the last year and honestly, I don't have that in me to do it again.

I will play happy until Saturday when he is all moved out and then distance myself from him. He agreed to move out, we could date and see what happens but it's becoming clearer that he isn't as committed to it as he said he was.

OP posts:
Dozer · 11/05/2017 16:11

Of course he's not: your friend is right. Don't play the "pick me dance". Far easier to move on once he's gone. If he was serious about your relationship you wouldn't be in any doubt.

Original poster
Dontknow12 · 17/05/2017 14:16

I haven't been able to end it just yet. I'm just not brave enough.

I don't know what to do. I could be paranoid be he is always online at the same time as the person I suspect he is talking to on whatsapp.

I feel like sending him a message just saying:

XXX i can't do this anymore. Please only contact me if it is to do with the flat.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 17/05/2017 14:24

Do it, he's mucking you about, still.

MimiSunshine · 17/05/2017 15:29

Go it and make sure you send it the 'secret' phone.
Ask yourself, are you happy? Do you feel like you have a bright future ahead of you with him?
Or, are you just sad that the relationship of last 16 years is over? When was the last time you were genuinely happy with him?

Walk away now. Tell him that you can't live your life in this state of worry and insecurity and that he lost your trust when he checked out of your relationship and planned to cheat so it's over, no more dis ussions unkess it's about the flat

category12 · 17/05/2017 15:39

It's no way to live feeling like that. You can't and don't trust him. Just cut your losses.

inlectorecumbit · 17/05/2017 17:13

Just sent the text. Once you have done it you will feel a whole lot better.

Then you can start living again with that dreadful knot in the pit of your stomach gone.

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