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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do divorces normally pan out? Am I being a mug?

21 replies

ANewDawn · 04/05/2017 18:53

STBXH has been dragging his heels for a YEAR. He's blown up over my lawyers letters and refused to engage in the process so far. He's got one more chance to reply to the petition before its served. We are still living together with the DC.

His take is that he is ill (MH issues) so he WILL not be rushed. He got advice the other week where the sol told him he didn't have to do anything and the MH act protects him. Apparently the sol doesn't need to represent him until he is forced to respond. Would a sol really give advice like this? And he's saying I can't claim costs from him coz he's ill. I've looked this up because my sol said that MH act doesn't come in to it. But there is provision for the respondent being mentally incompetent. In this case you get a litigation friend. I think this is what he is taking about.

He is so pig headed, I'm scared he's going to do this, thus dragging it out longer and adding to the cost. He wants to 'chat' about the options but it just ended in a row. I've disclosed my finances but he's avoided doing his.

I'm just about at the end of my rope. I can't take anymore. He makes out I'm the unreasonable one because I'm rushing him he says I'm obsessed about the money. Also i am bully for engaging a SHL.

It's truly horrendous. He makes out he's the victim and has pulled on my heart strings, all sorts. Now his DF is possibly dying.

OP posts:

Twinklyfaerieglade · 04/05/2017 18:58

Just because someone says something it does not mean it's true. Remember this when he tries to manipulate you. He is manipulating you by the way!
You need to listen to your SHL. He has your best interests at heart but will also be careful of any true MH issues. You pay a SHL to take some of this load off you.
Try not to engage

Original poster

ANewDawn · 04/05/2017 19:11

Thank you twinkly. I can see now, when I look back that he's been manipulating me. I know the stuff he says is not true but it's like he absolutely believes it. He wouldn't think he is manipulating me. He gets completely obsessed. It's scary that he's not the person I thought he was.

OP posts:

TheTombstonesMove · 04/05/2017 19:15

Sorry you are going through this. Sounds horrendous. I think Twinkly is right. Speak to your SHL, agree your plan and then stick to your guns. That's the only way to get it over with as quickly as possible. Which can only be better for everyone.

MrsBertBibby · 04/05/2017 19:23

You have to be pretty nuts to be mentally incapacitated. I had a case once where the guy was adamant that he was a paid assassin for the North and South Korean governments, and that British Gas had stolen his assassin pay. Psychiatrist still found he had capacity at least some days.

Seriously, he may believe this shit, he may be making it up. It doesn't matter. Just tell your solicitor to get on with everything and disengage.

Original poster

ANewDawn · 04/05/2017 19:35

Thanks. I was wondering how common this is. I think he's phoned around until a solicitor has said what he wanted. I wouldn't be surprised though if he convinced a psychiatrist that he was not competent. Although not sure how he can do that when he runs his own company

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 04/05/2017 19:53

Bear in mind that his sol is paid to represent him, whereas yours is paid to represent you. So it really doesn't matter what the party of the second part reports his legal advisor as having said (which may not be true, or may be based on misinformation his client gave him). It's what he can persuade a court that matters. And your sol is at least as au fait with what a court will accept as his is.

CatsDogsandDC · 05/05/2017 07:46

Agree with Mrs Bert Bibby. What he is saying is a load of old rubbish and he is just trying to manipulate and control you. Refuse to engage any further and have him served with the divorce petition.

Going forward you just need to assume that he will lie and lie again and just ignore anything he says. Take your lawyer's advice on what you are entitled to and act on that.

Original poster

ANewDawn · 05/05/2017 15:27

He's told me now that he's very very ill and he won't be replying to anything. I'm so sick of this. My physical and mental health is taking a battering. I'm just going to instruct my sols to get on with it. Thanks

OP posts:

nigelsbigface · 05/05/2017 16:05

TBH if you are the petitioner there isnt much he can do to stop you starting the process. If he is that mentally ill then his capacity can be assessed and if he can't make decisions then an advocate can be appointed-but that is for people who really lack capacity/have serious mental health conditions or LD.
He can contest the divorce, again via lawyers. As the respondent there isn't that much for him to do bar sign some stuff-unless he contests it, then it becomes more complex.

nigelsbigface · 05/05/2017 16:06

If he doesn't reply you can actually get the papers served to him American style-my solicitor offered that when my stbexh failed to return some paperwork in timely fashion.

GinnyBaker · 05/05/2017 16:10

"He got advice the other week where the sol told him he didn't have to do anything and the MH act protects him. Apparently the sol doesn't need to represent him until he is forced to respond. Would a sol really give advice like this?"

It seems possible to me that he has just made this entire thing up and not seen a solicitor at all/or ignored everything the solicitor said in favour of his own BS.

Mysteriouscurle · 05/05/2017 22:08

Not been through this but with the kind of manipulation you are describing I wouldnt bank on his df dying any time soon. Disengage if you can. He wants a reaction.just nod and smile and say the shl will deal with it all. And keep your mind focussed on the end prize. It sounds awful

Original poster

ANewDawn · 06/05/2017 13:04

Thanks all. I will forward his last email to the solicitor and tell them to crack on. I think the next step is getting the papers served. Fucker. Beyond that, I'm not going to think about the process too much

I'm going to stay out as much as I can and go to friends and family to get a break from him. He acts like nothing's happened when we're here. Which I suppose in one way is ok because the kids see that. It's agony.

OP posts:

MyOpe · 06/05/2017 13:19

Whats the situation with him moving out OP? Or you? Living together probably helps feed his fantasy that things can carry on if he simply wants it to. Just how unhinged is he as well - I wouldn't want to be in the same house as someone that manipulative, angry or deluded. I assume there is a compelling practical reason why you are still living together? You need to protect your own mental and physical health.

Original poster

ANewDawn · 06/05/2017 13:24

He won't move out and I can't really afford to. I've looked in to it. But I might just have to by hook or by crook. I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I leave, he will let this house go to ruin and it will be years before it's sold. I retain some control of the process if I stay here but I don't know if it's worth it anymore

OP posts:

Isetan · 06/05/2017 13:40

Hang on in there, he will tell you anything to gain your sympathy/ instill fear or just slow the process down. He's well aware that convincing you of his bullshit is a lot easier than convincing a judge and therefore he'll say anything to avoid going before a judge.

Let your solicitor do the talking, there's no point talking to him because you fundamentally want different things and he's not listening.

Disengage, disengage and disengage.

MyOpe · 06/05/2017 13:41

I see. I'd ask your solicitor if you can speed the house sale process up, and sell quickly, before he lets it go to rack and ruin. I don't know the legal situation, but I would assume you don't need to be actually divorced to sell and sell quickly if necessary?

GinnyBaker · 06/05/2017 17:03

Oh OP, quite frightened for you that you fear that if you move out your ex will trash the house and delay things for years. If you can possibly take it, I'd get the solicitor to make everything as speedy as you possibly can and stay in there.

We just bought a house in the last year from a couple who were splitting up...the court had ordered for the house to be sold. It is impossible to really convey how much of a shit hole the (bitter) husband had made the house.

Estate agent told us they had done over 100 viewings in two years and ours was the only offer except for one for 200k below the asking price.

Seventeen(!!) rusting cars on the drive/front garden all with no engines or wheels, the bath was in the hall, holes in the plaster of every single wall in the house, diesel oil splashed on all the carpets, doors to the kitchen cabinets all missing etc etc etc it was very nearly derelict. (My dad is a structural engineer who was able to reassure us we could put it back together again and the bones were ok, but I wouldn't have been able to take it on if I didn't have him doing the viewings with me).

Even with basic things like the property information form sellers have to fill in he managed to use to hold the sale up for months at a time by pissing about rather than fill it in. I remember in answer to the question 'has the property ever flooded' he wrote "badgers" for example. The wife could not fill it in alone as she was no longer resident and therefore didn't have full knowledge about the property.

In the end he was given 7 days by the judge to move out. This was 3 years after the court ordered it sold. If you possibly can, stay put to stop this happening.

Original poster

ANewDawn · 07/05/2017 21:22

Ok so now he is disgusted that I am not allowing him to recover from his mental health issues. It's.not.my.fault. He was shouting at me when I wouldn't talk to him about this. He said that he was having suicidal thoughts. I told him to leave me alone and I wasn't going to talk about it. He shouted something about co parenting. DS was in the other room. I hope he didn't hear the suicide stuff.

It looks like his Df is dying too what a fucking mess. What an awful fucking mess. How the fuck do I get through this?

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 07/05/2017 23:11

If his behaviour is bad enough as to be harmful to your son, you might want to consider an application for non molestation and occupation orders.

Is he likely to inherit from his father? Might a suggestion that you could be claiming a share persuade him to hurry things along?

Original poster

ANewDawn · 08/05/2017 17:48

Mrs B - my sol mentioned this a while back. She says it costs a lot, it's only temporary and no guarantee that i will be awarded it.

I'm hoping that his dad has managed to write him into the will. I suspect the DM has put the mockers on that and it'll all go to her. She's bat shit and very manipulative. Like mother like son. He would likely inherit a big amount, they're quite wealthy. I don't want any of it but it might mean he doesn't fight me for 50:50 of our assets He will be hiding money where he can.

OP posts:

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