NC should mean NC

[aquamarine2]

my partner had an affair 7 months ago, which lasted 1 month. It has been an awful time for me but we are still together.

He has a friend who drinks in the same pub as OW and the other day, my partner told me that he had recently been there for a drink with this friend.

I was v upset and told him this was unacceptable but he says he went to see his friend and not her and she wasn't there anyway. But my thoughts were, 'what if she had been? would you have talked to her?'

I don't feel this is acceptable because he promised me there would be absolutely NC between him and OW, and this latest episode has made me anxious again.

it has ended up with me telling him that if he persists in going there, we are done. I have also said that I consider it to be beyond cruel to even expect me to accept this.

Do you think it unreasonable to ask him to stay away from that particular pub, even though his friend drinks there? Apparently this friend only likes to drink there..

You are not being unreasonable. At all.

He should have much more respect for your feelings. And as for this nonsense about his friend not drinking anywhere else? Rubbish. He just doesn't want to bother asking him to meet somewhere else.

Your feelings should take precedence.

It's not unreasonable - he's putting his mate's convenience/preference ahead of your feelings.

Sounds perfectly reasonable. A pub is a pub so rubbish that friend won't go to another one.

Not unreasonable at all, you shouldn't even have to ask him, or tell him!

I'll probably get flamed but here goes.

You have chosen to carry on this relationship, you can't be policing his every single movement.

He went to visit his friend in a pub, that she sometimes visits. He can't avoid every place she goes because you say so.

She sometimes uses that train station? Not allowed there DP.
She sometimes uses that supermarket? Not allowed there DP.
She sometimes goes to that pub? Not allowed there DP.

You policing where he is going will not stop him if he chooses too have another affair. Yes granted he was a bastard for an affair. But this is not a way too live.

I agree with KyngFu

What he did was abhorrent but, you can't micro manage his every move.

Of course she can't police his every move, however she should be able to expect him to acknowledge and understand her feeling and respect them. This has nothing to do with policing him and everything to do with him helping her to overcome the shitstorm he's created.

In response to your thread title, he hasn't made contact. In his mind, your 'forgiveness' has apparently pressed the reset button on his behaviour and doesn't require him to modify it, especially if it inconveniences him or his friend.

Ask yourself, was forgiving him really meant to cause you this much anxiety and require you to do most of the work? He obviously doesn't get it or care to get it and only you can decide if forgiveness is worth your pain.

This is who he is.

Kungfu, I do mostly agree with you. It's untenable long term to dictate where a 'forgiven' partner goes or try to police their behaviour, it'll be highly destructive.

But a pub is very different to the other places you listed like stations or supermarkets, imo: it is a different environment, it's designed for socialising and inhibition-lowering alcohol consumption, it's also more likely to have peer pressures to flirt and be 'up for it' or out for a laugh. If it's the ow's regular pub, then she might also think he is there to see her.

Also it's mere months since discovery, the op has barely had time to contend with what happened. If in two years time she can't bear for them to be in the same premises together, that might be more of an issue.

joysmum yep a shit storm he caused, but does that mean for the rest of his relationship he should be told where he can and can't go? He didn't speak too her at the pub she wasn't there.

category what if it was his regular pub aswell? He didn't see her there or speak too her. He can't be expected to create certain routes too avoid OW on the off chance she might be there.

What does it matter if it's been two months or ten years since she found out? She has chosen too continue on with the relationship, just because he made a massive fuck up doesn't mean he should be policed or told where he can or can't go.

Yeah the examples I gave are different to a pub setting, but it's like I said - if he is going to cheat he will. Regardless of whether he meets that person at a train station/ petrol station/ supermarket / pub.

How long do you intend to continue in this horrible no-man's-land? He cheated. He betrayed your trust. Imagine the next 5 years like this - is that how you want to live?

I think some consideration to how raw a wound is, is reasonable. You would expect to be sensitive of someone's recent hurt while further down the road you would expect to tread less carefully, that's just common courtesy.

If he was thinking of his promises to the op and about her feelings, he would stick by the agreement he made to avoid the ow. But he wants to stretch that boundary.

It's not his regular pub, it's the regular pub of a friend of his.

And again, a pub is designed uniquely for socialising.

Of course if he wants to cheat, he could, and there is nothing in the world she can do to stop him, and policing him will drive her bonkers if she tries.

But it's early days and he could and should make allowances.

YANBU.

Still early days for you in this. I wouldn't tolerate it either.

Maybe in time.

thanks to all for your opinions. I really value others perspectives.

I admit, I did wonder if my anxieties were causing me to unreasonably dictate where he could go. That is not generally in my nature.

That said, I am better than I was a couple of months ago. I don't think about her every minute of the day anymore!

Unfortunately when you attempt to forgive and forget a dreadful betrayal like this, there is a high price to pay.

This is the price. It seems unfair that only you have to pay it and he still thinks he can do as he pleases.

but does that mean for the rest of his relationship he should be told where he can and can't go?

Once again, it is not about being dictated to.

The pub is her local though, a place to socialise with drink and not comparable to a random meeting.

Don't get trapped by what you think he should be doing and focus on what he does. Apparently, his remorse doesn't extend beyond blah, blah, blah.

You can't make him care or care to care, if he doesn't.