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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife has crush on co worker

11 replies

Forgottendh · 21/04/2017 09:56

I have being married to my wife for over 15 years and have 2 amazing children. Recently she has become obsessed with a coworker and every time i use the computer it has searches about kissing and having sex with co worker. She actively stalks the person on face book and social media and has now started lying about meeting up with the person.

I have had enough of being lied too and am thinking of leaving her, but finances and my love for my children are holding me back.

Advice very much sought

OP posts:
Teddy6767 · 21/04/2017 10:02

Have you spoken to her about it or does she not know that you know?
You need to confront her with your evidence and discuss whether she wants to remain in the relationship or not (and whether you want to as well).
If she hasn't actually done stuff with him then (even though it's utterly shit) then you could potentially work things out together and get to the root cause of why she felt the desire to look elsewhere.
If she has actually done stuff with him then you really can't stay with a liar who is also a cheat and has zero respect for you or your family unit.
I'm not saying it's as simple as just walking out on her as I understand finances and children can make things a lot more complicated. But you could at least start putting the wheels in motion to eventually leave

Changedname3456 · 21/04/2017 10:04

If you know it's going on then you need to confront it. Otherwise the boundaries will just get blurrier and blurrier and before you know it she'll have moved you into the spare room whilst OM is in the marital bed (maybe not but, amazingly, this does happen).

Are you a hands on Dad? Is there anything that would make it unlikely you'd have 50:50 residence of the dc? Or majority residency?

You're just going to get more and more unhappy / depressed if you allow what's happening to continue. You, and by extension the dc, will be much happier in the long run if you lay down the boundaries to your wife and then split up if she doesn't make the effort to save the marriage. Yes, it may hurt you financially, but nowhere near as much as you're going to get hurt emotionally if this carries on.

AnyFucker · 21/04/2017 10:04

Is your wife a mumsnetter ?

RacoonofDoom · 21/04/2017 10:07

Interesting that you describe what's going on as a 'crush'.
And yy to what AF said .

Original poster
Forgottendh · 21/04/2017 10:26

I know i need to address it, but like any big problem it is so hard to tackle head, on and i have being had my head stuck in the sand for so long it is really hard to have to face up to reality and make the hard decisions.

And she probably is a mumsnetter.

OP posts:
Teddy6767 · 21/04/2017 10:29

Well if you're not going to attempt to tackle the problems with her then you'll just have to sit back and watch her have an affair and destroy your life.
Why not nip it in the bud now and discuss it with her? Tell her you know what she's doing and you want an explanation as to why.
What are you so scared of? Are you worried she'll try take the kids away from you or kick you out the house (does she own it?)

yetmorecrap · 21/04/2017 10:31

My DH described his emotional affair as a "crush" as according to him it was totally one sided and the other person new nothing apart from the fact she texted a lot. In my case it appears it was a life turning crap kind of thing (his mum dying, business issues) etc and it was a kind of "distraction" and pleasant feelings as opposed to everything being awful. Im still not happy as in my case he wrote it all into poems and song lyrics and then recorded them (found by me 11 years later) and words seen and songs sung cannot be unheard and unsung, a bit like you cant unsee those searches but if you want to remain married you need to confront and get to the bottom of why she is "feeling the need" and even if you decide to say "FU" I do think for your own snity you need to get to the bottom of it.

TheNaze73 · 21/04/2017 11:04

Your use of flowery language like "affair" & "crush" is interesting. Replace them with "cheat" and you'll have your answer. She's obviously fucking the co-worker & in turn, sticking two fingers up at you. Regain your self respect & kick her in to touch

Luttrell · 21/04/2017 16:54

Why would she google "kissing and sex with coworker"? Is she hoping for Top Tips?

Does she 'stalk' them on social media or simply... use social media and they are friends? What evidence would you have that they 'stalk'?

WellErrr · 21/04/2017 17:49

I don't get the googling thing.

Rainybo · 21/04/2017 18:32

She is checking to see if it will affect either of their jobs I should think. She isn't going to want to jump ship and lose her job at the same time.

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