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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

stressey angry hubbie and always my fault

26 replies

Rabbit01 · 20/04/2017 21:48

Stressed angry hubbie. Always my fault. Chatting this eve about something, he doesn't understand while I am still explaining to him, so he gets arsey at me before I have finished explaining. He's rude to his mum, over the years he has got as rude with me. He's very stressed with the kids and angry, so much so that I'd rather he wasn't near them. When I discuss it with him he always has a reason; he's tired, he's stressed, I/ the family puts too much on him. Does anyone else have a man like this? I just want a calm kind one, is that possible, or is it me creating this stressey angry man?

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 20/04/2017 21:50

No, it not you. Tell him to get himself off home to his mother until he can figure out how to live with other people. You are not alive to absorb his bad humour. Nor are your children.

NavyandWhite · 20/04/2017 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NavyandWhite · 20/04/2017 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teddy6767 · 20/04/2017 21:55

I lead a very stressful life and I'm always kind and loving to my partner. It's not an excuse to behave like an idiot and make you feel shit! Could he maybe be depressed? Again, it's not an excuse, but maybe he needs to see a doctor.
Definitely don't blame yourself as it sounds like he's horrible to other people too

isitjustme2017 · 20/04/2017 21:56

How long have you been married? Has he always been like this but just getting worse? Mine can be like this. He doesnt ever have fun (doesn't know the meaning of the word) and always seems to spoil mine and the kids fun. He is miserable most of the time and is getting worse as he gets older.
So, I'm in the process of separation from him. He's not going to change and I don't want to live my life walking on eggshells in my own home.
You're not creating this angry man, its just the way he is I'm afraid and you have to decide if you can put up with him.

Penhacked · 20/04/2017 22:00

Some people who are depressed act like this. Maybe start by telling him how near you are to just calling it quits and that he needs to seek out help for the continual downer he is putting on you and the whole family. and tell him you see his excuses of tiredness and stress as symptoms of depression that needs to be addressed, not a good enough reason to take life out on you.

Original poster
Rabbit01 · 20/04/2017 22:01

IsItJustMe , long enough to know that he isn't going to improve. You have got it exactly with eggshells. I am currently suggesting divorce on a daily basis..apparently this is selfish and I will spoil all our lives. Personally I disagree, surely it will improve his tiredness and grumpyness if he has time off. Also I long to be out of it so that I can no longer be blamed as the cause.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 20/04/2017 22:02

Sometimes people behave badly. Stress can be the cause.

But if it's a decent person it's a bad patch, you'll know this because it's rare, you can see it's out if character, and because of how they react when it ebbs (rueful, apologetic and grateful that you helped them).

If it's a frequent behaviour, and it's routinely minimised and the blame shifted, then you have a serious issue. Because sounds as if he is not going to change.

Original poster
Rabbit01 · 20/04/2017 22:04

Penhacked, I do wonder whether he is depressed and have suggested that he see the Dr, but he disagrees, so at a loss on what to do re.that

OP posts:
Teddy6767 · 20/04/2017 22:05

If he won't do anything to help the situation and doesn't agree with anything you're saying then it sounds like you might have to separate to see if that gets the message across!

QuiteLikely5 · 20/04/2017 22:09

His behaviour is not normal. It borders on abusive.

I suspect it is his personality and he is a dysfunctional individual.

Likely hood is that he was raised this way.

He won't change without professional intervention.

Original poster
Rabbit01 · 20/04/2017 22:09

Separating is such a huge thing to do, the thought of it is massive. And the DC, just need magic wand...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/04/2017 22:11

LTB

Don't prioritise your relationship with an abusive man over the emotional welfare of your kids

wizzywig · 20/04/2017 22:11

isitjustme can i ask, did your husbands misery infect your day to day life? Thats whats happening to me

Original poster
Rabbit01 · 20/04/2017 22:14

AnyFucker- That's hit the nail on the head, I am worrying about the effect on the children

OP posts:
Original poster
Rabbit01 · 20/04/2017 22:16

Tbh there is not really a relationship that is being prioritised, more a surviving in current situation

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 20/04/2017 22:17

Mine has done over the years, it's def got worse. I used to apologise in advance when I interviewed people (we work together but him at home, me from an office) that they would hear us having arguments over phone or if he popped in. Or rather they would hear him having an argument and me standing up for myself, it has really worn me down

AnyFucker · 20/04/2017 22:18

That"s what my mother did

We don't have a relationship and she still manages his moods in her 70's with the help of anti depressants and tranquillisers

WellWhoKnew · 20/04/2017 22:18

Stay until it utterly destroys your self-esteem. And that of your children. Having the odd moment if grouchiness is fine. Living and breathing it, day after day not fine at all.

Does he abuse his boss? His doctor? Policeman in the street? Colleagues? Or just you, his mum and the children? Can he switch it on and off for the benefit of others?

No ones has mentioned it thus far but I found "why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft very helpful to realise that perpetual grumpiness is nothing short of abuse.

Depression is an illness. Abuse is not.

Original poster
Rabbit01 · 20/04/2017 22:24

Wellwhoknew, I think just us and his mum

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/04/2017 22:26

My father has been like this all his life. He has ruined his relationship with his children and his grandchildren. My mother stayed. By default she has no relationship with us either.

Her choice. She had many chances to get us away from him.

WellWhoKnew · 20/04/2017 22:34

Then your children are learning that female family members are good for shouting at.

I too grew up in a house like that. I too have no relationship with my family.

I wasn't put on this planet for others to shout at. It took half a lifetime for me to realise this.

Teabay · 21/04/2017 07:23

rabbit. Please read this - you can do it.

I was exactly you with two primary aged DC. Eventually I asked my DH to go to therapy with me, see the doc about his depression and generally not be mean to us.
He went to 2 sessions but when he disagreed with the counsellor he refused to attend. No doc either - "it's you that's mental, not me - everyone knows you're a nightmare to live with".

So - I did the unthinkable and divorced him. My DC are THRIVING and I'm just sorry that I put them through that, living with someone who was unkind to me and them. We have our own house now, we all feel lighter and they love living here with me.

You are damaging yourself and them by staying with him. He can change himself if he sees fit - and I promise you he won't.

Good luck - post on here next year in your new life!!

Shayelle · 21/04/2017 07:31

Dont stay with an abusive twat. It will break you down Flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/04/2017 07:32

Rabbit

Men like your H hate women, all of them starting with his own mother in particular.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships?
What do you think they are learning from the two of you here?