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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Meeting the OM for closure?

25 replies

Balletomane25 · 10/04/2017 12:12

More than a fortnight ago, I posted about having my exDP move out because of her affair. Very recently, I've come into information as to who the OM actually is. I really do feel incredibly awful for being so judgemental, but I just don't get it? He's incredibly indecorous, smokes like a chimney, and is still a serial job-hopper despite being in his late 30s/early 40s.

Now I'm wondering if I should ask for a meet up so I can perhaps find a reason as to "why"? Has anyone done this before and garnered enough for some sort of closure?

OP posts:

Renaissance2017 · 10/04/2017 12:17

If you were the OM, would you meet up? I know I wouldn't as I might get a punch on the nose and there would be nothing in it for me.

TrippyMcTrapFace · 10/04/2017 12:34

You want to meet him so he can tell you why he slept with your now ex DP?

Original poster

Balletomane25 · 10/04/2017 12:35

We've seen each other before though, albeit in a "professional" capacity + I'm roughly half his size so I'm not sure the threat of violence will be there. Wouldn't that perhaps change his mind if I were to ask him to meet up?

OP posts:

CaoNiMartacus · 10/04/2017 12:35

Gosh, no. I wouldn't be doing that. Retreat from the situation with your head held high and your dignity intact.

Original poster

Balletomane25 · 10/04/2017 12:38

No, I want to meet him to see what he has that I lack so I can go back and reflect on my relationship.

OP posts:

Love51 · 10/04/2017 12:42

That makes you seem like you are taking responsibility for ex DP's affair. Have some dignity, don't torture yourself with 'is he something I'm not' (im not clear if you are male or female, if female, obviously he's different to you!) don't give him any power.

TrippyMcTrapFace · 10/04/2017 12:45

Affairs usually aren't about what the person who has been cheated on 'lacks'.

TrippyMcTrapFace · 10/04/2017 12:45

YY Love

Peanutbuttercheese · 10/04/2017 12:46

What you lack is your someone else, that's all really, what she lacked is self control and respect for you.
He is him and you are you, it will achieve nothing but upset you.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/04/2017 12:47

Your Ex is liar and a cheat.
There is nothing wrong with you.
Don't torture yourself trying to understand any of it.
It's absolutely pointless.

My Ex, who decided I'd put on a bit of weight - basically I'd got fat (size 12) was one of the reasons things weren't working out.
Decided to work on it. I lost weight - looking good, if I do say so myself.
Then I find out all sorts of things. The main one being that he's chasing OW now that are far larger than I ever was.
There is no rhyme or reason.
It's all about having their ego's stroked.
They are just fuckwits - the sooner you realise and accept that, the easier it will be for you to move on.

Nomoreworkathome · 10/04/2017 12:50

Really bad idea. Please don't do this. Closure will be the last thing a meeting would give you

0dfod · 10/04/2017 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kittybiscuits · 10/04/2017 12:51

If you think that shortcomings on your part have contributed to your wife having an affair, then maybe ask her that question. Some people are just opportunists, others get drawn by being offered what is missing from the primary relationship.

robinofsherwood · 10/04/2017 12:58

If your the poster I think (both women, she much older, her adult dd treated you like dirt in your house) I think what you should reflect on is what DP lacked. She didnt, even before the affair came to light, treat you as a partner should. You deserve someone who wont ask you to be treated as a third class citizen in your own home. The affair seemed just another part of her disrespect for you.

TrippyMcTrapFace · 10/04/2017 13:07

I remember the other thread now, and agree with you robin.

PaterPower · 10/04/2017 16:02

So what happens if what you "lack" is a penis? How does that then help you reflect on your relationship?

You'll feel better, in the longer term, for being the one to behave with dignity and, as pp have said, it's much better to let this go and concentrate on yourself.

Carolinesbeanies · 10/04/2017 16:45

Absolutely agree, your ex is an utter dick and you are in no way shape or form responsible for this. She would have done this if she were married to George Clooney. Thats all there is to it. Clearly shes shifted her guilt/blame onto you already, ( cause its never their fault, shes a victim dont you know ) but the whole "why?" will never be answered because its fairly straight forward. Your ex is an immature selfish individual who is quite capable of cheating, so did. If she can blame the fact you wear odd socks, she will. Shes simply justifying her bahaviour.

Dont meet him. Take time to accept whats going on and adjust to the whole turmoil in your life. It will get easier, and your greatest revenge is moving on and being happy. So much easier to type than do, but you will move on and its one of those occasions where 'least said quickest mended' is very true.

Your ex will be cheating for the rest of her life. Dont torture yourself any further. There was absolutely nothing you could have done differently.

noego · 10/04/2017 17:05

Seriously. You want to meet someone without decency, integrity, loyalty, commitment, honesty, truthfulness, to find out what???
That you are the better man and have a higher perspective of relationships and life. The man is a wanker that's all you need to know and you are worth more than that type of person.

FelixtheMouse · 10/04/2017 21:05

This is the stupidest idea I have ever read on MN. Don't do it. You will only get mental anguish from this and maybe physical anguish as well. I only knew one man who did this. The police had to be called. Don't.

MaisyPops · 10/04/2017 21:21

Affairs and cheating is never about what the partner "lacks" as such. Say that having been cheated on and having cheated myself (both awful and ridiculous situations).
Assuming that the cheating person isnt a dickhead who goes actively looking someone, it might be that due to different interests they bring out a different side, but that doesnt mean that you picking up that interest would have stopped it. It might be a friendship that crossed a line. It might have been a one night lapse of judgement.

At the end of the day, it happens because people make piss poor decisions. Theres nothing to gain by dwelling on it.

MaisyPops · 10/04/2017 21:23

Just to say, thats not me minimising how awful it feels. Been there, know the feelinb.
I was just meaning that overthinking, reflecting looking for answers is just mental torture.

GnomeDePlume · 10/04/2017 21:25

Even if you were to meet they would be unlikely to tell you anything other than a self-serving and excusist shadow of the truth.

Very, very few people caught doing something wrong (and I do think that having an affair with a person in a partnership even if single oneself is wrong) have the honesty and self-knowledge to admit even to themselves that what they are doing is wrong.

Dont do it, it wont give you any sort of closure.

MaisyPops · 10/04/2017 21:36

have the honesty and self-knowledge to admit even to themselves that what they are doing is wrong.
I think they do. I dont think anyone seriously thinks its ok, though i think some single other men/women like to comvince themselves that the married person is 'unhappy in marriage, cant leave because of the kods, will leave when...' etc. They must know surely that its all a lie.

It's the explaining 'why?/why cheat with that person/ what did they have that i dont?' that seems to be the difficult bit. Often I dont think people can put their finger on it. Its not as simple as 'you do this and they do this etc'. Human attraction is conplicated and sometimes people make rubbish choices.

Original poster

Balletomane25 · 10/04/2017 22:42

Alright I'm in a much more rational place than I was earlier today, and have realised how utterly asinine this idea is. Thank goodness no impulse emails were sent out.

I guess I just wanted to see how he was like - if he was funny, or charming, or something. My previous ex cheated on me with my mate who was a lot more outgoing, open about her thoughts/feelings/sexuality, and probably heaps more carefree. And in a strange way I saw "why" which gave me an excuse that in turn made it easier to let her go.

Of course it's different this time around, and I understand the best course of action is to simply leave it and move on. Just, some days are harder than others.

OP posts:

OhBlissOhJoy · 10/04/2017 22:59

Glad you are in a better place now OP. I knew the OW and without wanting to sound arrogant she is a much lesser person than I am in many ways. But she fed his ego and that was all he needed.

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