Emotional Abuse

[user1234566]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

I believe I've been suffering from emotional abuse. About 6 months ago, I left. We went to marriage counselling and after 2 months I went back. Things were great for a few months but then it started again. I've left again and staying with family. One minute he's saying he can't do this again and threatened divorce and 50/50 of our DD and the next he's saying he can change but the catch is he can't show me he's changed unless I'm at home. I don't know what to do. I fear if I move back the same thing as last time will happen and I honestly can't handle that happening again. I have people telling me conflicting advice and I'm just confused and have no idea what to do.

Can he not date you, like back in the beginning, as well as some more couples counselling?
I would say it depends on whether you want to work it out or not. My gut feeling is, if he's done it twice now it's a habit and one that's going to be very hard to break

He's only interested in me coming home. He said he can't live seperate for 2 months like we did last time

You gave him one chance and it didn't work. There is no point whatsoever in repeating the exercise and expecting a different outcome. Continue as you are and develop your new life..

Even using the leverage of you coming home so he can show you the difference is emotional blackmail. Be careful.

They don't change. As pp has said, he's using emotional blackmail to get you home. Once he's realised he can get you back as and when he pleases he'll probably ramp up the abuse. I'd take control of the situation if it were me and stay away.

who cares what he can and can't do! He is still emotionally abusing and manipulating you. Abusers do not change - they just change tactics! Don't wait for him to threaten divorce again - start it yourself. And 50/50 childcare is another tool to try and bully you too I bet.

He's talking bollocks. He's trying to manipulate you again. Any man who had really changed would have changed enough to be happy to take things slowly.

HeavenlyEyes - the 50/50 was definitely a threat because when I spoke of him having her next week he said he wasn't in a position where he could do that yet.

exactly - just another method to abuse you with isn't it.

He can't change unless he's had some intensive therapy.
Even then it's highly unlikely.
And the threats now with divorce and 50:50 just go to prove he's not changed one tiny little bit.
Still manipulating and emotionally blackmailing you.
You know you need to stay away.
It's hard but you got out.
Now you need to stay out.

Really sounds like he's trying to change for you, NOT.

You've given him a chance already and it sounds like it's still on his terms; tell him to GTF; he's an emotional abuser and will not change, no matter how many chances you give him; it's who he is, he's showed you that twice now.

My advice would be to listen to your own instinct and do what's best for you and your daughter. Talk to your doctor if you think you're being emotionally abused as they will see the signs better perhaps than you. There are also some good assessment tools online to determine whether emotional abuse is at play. My daughter asked me to complete one online as she was trying to make me see the effect of my husbands behaviour on me. I had a score of 26 out of 29 and didn't even know it was happening - until he threw me down the stairs that is. Bottom line is, don't hang around for him to get into your head if that's what's happening. It's great you have family around to support you x

I just keep doubting myself. As soon as I get my head around it say I'm going to stand up for myself he starts playing nice again. I've written a list of behaviours and I look at them and go well no I don't deserve those things but is it really enough to break up a family?

Maybe it would help if you thought about why he is asking you to move back. He will have an ulterior motive. Money or childcare

In my experience, they don't change. He's asking you to go back and telling you he will change but he's probably missing the routine and everything you do for him. If you keep going back every time, he knows he's got you so he doesn't need to change. You will regret it eventually too.

Why would you want to go back when you've already got away from him; you'd be going back to more abuse, fuck that, what about your kids, do you want them to carry on seeing him treat you like crap?

In my experience, serial abusers have 3 different personalities, each one interchangeable; nasty and violent, passive aggressive, self-piteous with a sprinkling of false authenticity. Sounds like he fits the profile. Keep your chin up and be brave.

You can read my previous post about my OH's behaviour but, in short, he is emotionally abusive in many ways. About 5 years ago I'd had enough and asked him to leave. He was first angry then nasty then turned pathetic. He begged me to reconsider, admitted it was all his fault and promised me the earth. My ds (4 at the time) was also very upset by it all so I decided to give him another chance. Guess what? He's worse than ever now.