Not sure what I am looking for really, advice, reassurance maybe. I think I am maybe in an abusive relationship but that seems like a big label to hang on it.
We've been together 15 years and it's never been easy, but I think I may have had enough. I just don't know what to do. DH is a nice bloke about 60% of the time. 30% of the time he is grumpy and miserable. He makes his displeasure about things very clear, the causes of his low moods can be anything from job, bullying bosses, tiredness to medical. He was badly bullied as a child and comes from an unusual background. He has a weird form of OCD, and suffers from depression so takes antidepressants. He also gave up drinking several years ago after a particularly bad aggressive run. Life with him is like a rollercoaster, and I am just so tired. I just know when it's coming.
Today for example he took our ds out early to a club, ignoring the petrol light, he ran out of fuel near to our house, he came home understandably angry, but burst in through the door, screaming, swearing and raging in front of our 2 kids. He's not a small man and he is really aggressive, he really scared me. He gesticulated and yells in his big booming voice and sounds angrier than anyone I've ever heard. It was my fault. Despite him having driving the car twice over the previous two days, I have been driving around in it and chose to ignore the the light. When he drove the car it was different as he was driving home(?) everyone has arguments. I get that but what's normal? We've been together so long that I don't think I know. I don't think he should scream at me. In my face, in front of my children. I don't think he should swear at me. He threw our phone across the room. Not at me but toward me, in his rage. It broke. He seems out of control.
I took the children and went out for the day. I got back at 4pm and he was back in bed.he has been nice ever since but He woke up to find me crying tonight and didn't know why I was upset. I tried talking to him tonight but it's my fault because I use all my big words and intelligence to talk around him apparently and he feels cornered because he gets no time for himself and I am always out (I go out once every six weeks perhaps because he always makes such a fuss before and after). There's always some unrelated reason. I have told him want to leave but I don't want to tear apart my little family. He is a good dad and ds adores him. I also don't know if I am overdramatising ( he says I am). This happens every few weeks, he even did it when I was heavily pregnant and I ended up in hospital with HBP. I am not perfect, I have argued back and I can be pretty mean and nasty but only in response, lately I have tried to avoid responding because at least then I can't be blamed. He is obsessed with ensuring I take my share of the blame. Apologies aren't unconditional. We've tried relate, and other counselling before but he never commits and just tells them what they want to hear, pretends he's concerned about me, turned on the charm.... he's messing with my head. On Tuesday I will get flowers.