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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just told him not to bother with kids again

25 replies

BrokenRainbow · 08/04/2017 16:29

After being 2 hours late for pick up AGAIN I told him not to bother with them again. I feel bad but he has no respect for my time, I've explained it to him numerous times to please prioritise his children but he doesn't get it.

Supposed to pick them up at 1, I get a text at 1 telling me he's waiting for his lunch (lives with mummy and they live other side of London so a good 45 mins drive) I didn't say anything. 2:30 and tells me he needs to drop his mum off somewhere and THEN he'll make his way. I reply to remind him I need to go to a place that's quite far which shuts at 6. He texts to say she's getting dressed I'll be quick.

I told him not to bother and I'll be taking them out instead. He phones to say I have no respect (like he does for me?!?)

So I told him not to bother with them again.

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/04/2017 16:31

Yanbu

In future, make the kids available at the exact time agreed

If he is not there within 5 minutes of it, crack on doing your own thing

Keep a diary and document it all

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 08/04/2017 16:32

Do the children want to see him?

gamerchick · 08/04/2017 16:33

Maybe it should go through the courts? I fucked my ex off eventually and told him to take me to court if he's bothered. He hasn't yet. Likes to moan at anyone who'll listen though

VimFuego101 · 08/04/2017 16:35

YANBU. You made sure the kids were available at the planned time, and it wasn't an emergency that caused him to be late.

Original poster

BrokenRainbow · 08/04/2017 16:36

I've told him not to bother again though? Shall I go back on my words.

Kids are 6 and 3 and they love him, told them he's not well and would they like to go park and ice cream and they nearly hit my arm off, still at park now and loving it. They obviously miss their dad. He pissed off in New Year's Eve. They see him Saturday to Sunday 24 hours, every other weekend unless he wants to see them more.

OP posts:

Original poster

BrokenRainbow · 08/04/2017 16:37

He's never been on time on any pick up btw.

OP posts:

Original poster

BrokenRainbow · 08/04/2017 16:37

Bit*

OP posts:

Original poster

BrokenRainbow · 08/04/2017 16:38

I doubt he will go through courts gamer might do the same as your ex and say I've stopped him seeing his kids but secretely love that he doesn't need to bother with them. Win-win situation for him

OP posts:

Thattimeofyearagain · 08/04/2017 16:39

He has no respect for his children, you absolute did the right thing.

Hidingtonothing · 08/04/2017 16:47

Will he get back in touch do you think? Try to talk you round so he can see them? If so then yes, I would go back on what you've said, tell him he has one last chance, that it's unfair on the kids when he doesn't turn up when they're expecting him to and that he has one month to prove he can stick to the agreed times. If he's late or doesn't show up even once in that month I would make him apply through the courts to see them.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 08/04/2017 16:50

I think I would reiterate that they love him and miss him. And I would say that the next time you will operate a 20 minute window - so if he says 2pm then they will be available any time between 2 and 2:20. After that don't bother.

Original poster

BrokenRainbow · 08/04/2017 20:22

Thanks for the replies.
I wonder if he will bother.

I also wonder if he will pay their maintenance this week (not court ordered).

Why is he still giving me a hard time? He's left me to take 2 kids to 2 different schools, took the car and left us without much. I've been soldering on never once initiated a text or speak to him, so made it very easy for him in essence.
All he needs to do is turn up at the right time to immaculate, fed and watered kids.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 08/04/2017 20:27

He is trying to exert control by not being on time. It's all about his time being more important than yours.

mycavitiesareempty · 08/04/2017 21:48

Yes yes to control. I think this is what habitiual lateness is usually about, if not cultural.

Cherrysoup · 08/04/2017 23:00

Please organise proper maintenance. If he fails to turn up on time, I don't see why you should put your life on hold to suit him having dinner with his mummy. Zero sympathy for him.

Rainbowqueeen · 08/04/2017 23:24

The chances that he will not bother are fairly high I'm sorry to say.

But your kids need and deserve their dad to be consistent. They are better off with stability and if he won't give that, they are better off without him.

Please go to CSA for maintenance. Your kids deserve a dad who will pay for them if nothing else

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 09/04/2017 01:18

so he has chosen to have contact with them only 24 hours a fortnight ?!!??!!!!
...and he still can't be arsed turning up on time?

if that was my ex i'd be telling him to go via court for contact as i no longer trusted him to put the kids first, i was sick of seeing the kids be messed around and i was was fed up of making excuses for him in front of the kids.

i wouldn't be wasting any more energy on accommodating access for him after this. Let him go via court if he IS actually serious about his kids!

Mombie2016 · 09/04/2017 02:35

gamer Same here with ExH. Moan moan moan but refused mediation and is too tight/lazy to go to court and he doesn't want anything to do with DS but this way he gets to play the victim

Dickheads.

OP. Tell him to fuck right off. He's not showing any commitment to them is he, really? 24 hours a fortnight and can't be arsed to be on time. Fuck that noise.

Atenco · 09/04/2017 03:15

My dgd's df is getting like this. Grrr. Poor wee mite wants to see her dad but dad takes the piss massively.

SandyY2K · 09/04/2017 05:28

Regardless of you telling him not to bother, if he is a half decent father, he would at a bare minimum text you and apologise, saying to please give him another chance and he will not be late to pick them up on what would have been his next scheduled visit.

If he can't even be bothered to do that, then don't regret or be stressed about what you said. You were annoyed and frustrated with was totally understandable.

Original poster

BrokenRainbow · 09/04/2017 07:35

I was expecting a text with an apology * Sandy but nothing.

Woke up to a text asking if he can take them today, no apology nor acknowledgment that I cancel plans I had yesterday.

I've planned things with them tomorrow so no he can't just take them.

Shall I mention the apology?

OP posts:

Sickofthisalready · 09/04/2017 07:53

Im also dealing with a loser ex, who continually lets our 3 year old down, for nights out with the OW.

Ive given him numerous chances to stick to the arrangement, but DS just isn't important enough to him. I think he has been doing it on purpose knowing that in the end id tell him he couldn't see him anymore, and then he could swan off to his new life and tell everyone that he'd love a relationship with his son but I won't let him.

Well Ive had enough now and stopped all contact. Does anyone have any advice as to how to tell my beautiful little boy that the dad that he absolutely adores won't be seeing him anymore?

I just dont know how he sleeps at night. My poor poor boy

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 09/04/2017 08:02

DS1s father let him down continually, never on time, sometimes a no show and after he was violent to me in front of DS1 I stopped all contact. Unfortunately a court sided with him and I am compelled to send DS1 once a fortnight (he dropped weekly as it was too much like hard work ) and my stipulation is that he has 15 minutes either side of the agreed time or it's not happening. Funnily enough he's managed

Molly333 · 09/04/2017 08:53

It's so sad that they don't get it . My ex was the same and I tried and tried until I could do no more. He now hasn't bothered for 5 years yet lives five mins away ! We are okay though . We had family therapy which helped us become strong in our own little family and actually we've done so much without him it's amazing. Plan something u would never do for the kids to look forward to e.g. a holiday. He is losing big time and u can do this alone without resentment and anger of him not putting the kids first

StrawberryJelly00 · 09/04/2017 09:00

If it were me in your position I would seek free legal advice and send him a solicitors letter detailing the contact you are offering - also detailing what action you will take should he let the children down with timings.

Action being - terminating contact
Waiting for him to apply to court for structured contact or response from his solicitor. Emphasis on the structure which is so important for children.

See if there is a response or change in his behaviour.

This is good documentation for the purposes of court and your children's future. It shows that you tried everything to make it work but do not let him shit on you and make out like you are stopping contact because you are protecting your children.

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