Thinking of divorce: logistics

[SunnySideDownUp]

I'm more and more thinking that my husband and I would be better off divorced. We rarely haven a nice word to say to each other, and I'm fed up of living like this.

I don't know where to start though. I want to scope out options first.

We've got two kids, I'd welcome joint custody of our eldest (3) but not the baby yet. She has additional needs and dh doesn't have a grip on her needs, meds, etc. (Not for want of trying on my part.)

We moved to this part of the country on his account. It's close to his family but miles from mine. It's a good place to stay but really inconvenient for my work (a 5 hour commute each day).

Unfortunately, I'm in lots of debt. We've got our house that's got about £150k equity. I own it but I would give him half as he's paid in equally.

He earns a lot less than me as he took on they role of SAHP 2 years ago with dd1. Would i end up paying him support?

What's a sensible approach to take? I don't know where to start. I also go onto SMP at the end of this month!

Assuming you would need to move near to work if you split - how are housing costs there relative to wherever you are now? Do you plan to return to work? What would he your preferred scenario for looking after the baby if you did?

5 hour commute - you own the house - he won't look after baby due to needs etc?

Why did you move? You got nothing out of it - support gone etc!

You don't have to give him 50% does he work - you said he earns less but is a sAHP ?

Well I'd play dirty and get you all moved back to your work location before mentioning divorce. A 5 hours a day commute is just ridiculous - why on earth did you move?! How are you going to manage childcare sharing from 2.5 hours away, let alone balance work and baby at that distance.

He doesn't even look after the baby's needs despite being a SAHP?

Get back to your old town. Get him back to work - no point being a SAHP if you can't be bothered to care for one of the children.

Then divorce him.

I'm confused though - how is he not caring for the baby with additional needs, if you're out at work 2.5 hours away? Are you on mat leave right now?

We moved here when we first married, and the commute has been dreadful but manageable. I couldn't afford to live much closer to work. If I moved away from the area I'd unsettle my toddler, leave my friendships that I've established, and have no support.
(My parent's home town is definitely unaffordable.)

I'm currently in maternity leave, my baby is only 4 months old. DH works 2 days a week, locally. Pre-maternity leave her would do all the childcare that day as I'd be out from 6.30-20.30. I had hoped to go back 2.5 days a week, so I'd only commute 2 days.

I keep thinking we should try making a go of the marriage as I do love him and he's a great dad. But then he has a way of making me feel like shit. I pulled him up one putting our daughter's shoes on dd2's blanket, and I got called a nasty bitch, in the park in front of the girls. We tried marriage counselling a few years ago, but it ended up doing more harm from my perspective. I came across as controlling and dictatorial, phrases that he constantly throws at me now. He came out of the process feeling validated. (We started counselling because he'd lied to me about having a job when he didn't.)

I don't want to split up, but I'm stuck in an awful cycle of feeling like shit.

Interesting to hear about your experience of relationship counselling. DH and I are currently having this on my request and I too am concerned about how he is coming across as opposed to me. My DH is so very agreeable, rational and like-able in counselling. In real life, he's stubborn and obstructive.
Can you begin making small changes towards divorce? Perhaps changing to a job closer to where you live? Perhaps working more days? Begin sorting out finances, or at least researching what you need to do?

From what I have learned from MN, the SAHP will be due spousal support and prob main custody of the children. Perhaps try to change your current set up before you split. Good luck.

Thanks thethought, definitely something to think about.