I'm totally new to Mumsnet, I'm not a mum nor have I ever been married, but I've gone through a really tough breakup recently and found some interesting stuff on here so thought I'd turn to the forum for advice. I'm 34 and came out of a three and a half year relationship about a year ago.
Now being out of the shock and loss of it all, I've got a bit more perspective so thought I'd share for any pearls of wisdom out there.
My ex had been falling deeper into depression that resulted in pretty reckless behaviour on his part. The depressed part I was able to deal with, helped him into therapy and was as supportive as I could be. A big symptom was excessive drinking which resulted in him doing really uncharacterised things, like gambling on his own after a night out, when all of his mates had gone home. One night, a year before we broke up, he got totally drunk and ended up in a brothel having a blow job from a prostitute. He was desperately ashamed and told me about it 3 days later, totally breaking down. I thought he had hit rock bottom so I stayed with him after a week apart and helped him through and he started going to therapy. The months after were horrific for me and it took me 10 months before I started to trust him again. Then, a year ago it happened again. I'd said that if it ever happened again, I would leave, and I did. He told me about it again after 3 days, likely knowing I would leave, but couldn't keep it from me.
He had since been officially diagnosed as clinically depressed, medicated and has finally got a new, and seemingly much better, therapist. He doesn't know why he did it, but I know it is connected to much deeper issues going back a long way. He is talking to his family very openly which is progress and wants to be happy and healthy. We last saw each other 6 months ago, but for the last 6 months we haven't seen each other although he has messaged every now and again.
It's been a year now since we broke up and he wants to talk, actually he wants us to get back together or try to find a way to still be in each others' lives. What I'm struggling with is finally letting go as I can't imagine a life without him. I really miss him and still love him and would like nothing more than for us to be able to try again, but know that I would find it impossible to trust him again, and would spent my life waiting for the next time this happened when drunk and have to go through it all again. I think the paranoia of it would drive me mad. Plus he has to take the time on his own to deal with his issues and get into a good stable place before he even thinks about being in a relationship again. I want to get married and me a mumma one day, and know that I can't hang on for him as the work he needs to do on himself might take years. And who knows in reality whether I'd really be able to trust him again.
I guess what I'm wondering is whether anyone else had been through anything similar and has found a way back together, or whether I just need to properly end it and find closure and move on, and make this clear to him. He is a good person, just totally lost at the moment, and so ashamed of himself. Any advice would be massively appreciated.