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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Still love exh

19 replies

ineedsummer1 · 04/04/2017 18:53

After 2 years apart and divorced I still love and miss exh, I left him because he didn't care about me and the kids but we were together 15 yrs.
I thought I would tell him I still loved him but he told me he loves his girlfriend and we are done.
I'm heartbroken all over again..why do I do it to myself!! :(

OP posts:

Bluesue26 · 05/04/2017 05:29

Do you think you still love him or do you miss how you felt? I used to get like this until I realised it was the feeling of being in love I missed rather than him. I'm nearly 4 years down the line. My exh is with someone else and has been for 2 years now. I wish him the best. I'd love to meet someone else but Ive recently accepted that might not happen for me. At least you put it out there. It didn't come back to you but see it as someone helping you to draw a line in the sand.
Oh and I know you're probably kicking yourself for speaking up but I think it was a very brave thing to do xxx

rizlett · 05/04/2017 05:49

If he didn't care about you and the kids so much that even after 15 years you left - what is it that you are missing and loving about him? Or was it more about the person you wanted him to be? Or just being with someone rather than no one? I too think you are brave for being honest with him but is there still a need to be heartbroken? Are you missing him or the feeling of loving someone?

Remember we are always free to love anyone we want - even if they have other partners or relationships - but also we need to understand things don't work out the way we want.

This love you have - it's yours - use it to focus on you, on your life. The time with him was not wasted - even if you never get back together - you were learning what it feels like when someone doesn't care about you or your kids and you were brave to not put up with that. Keep letting go of the past - forgive yourself, love yourself and choose to see the good things you have in your life today.

Original poster

ineedsummer1 · 05/04/2017 06:50

Thanks some really good advice there. I just loved him so much and I miss that with someone, hurts that he loves someone else and cares for them.

OP posts:

fedupandnogin · 05/04/2017 07:13

It's not just loving that person, it's loving and missing the life you had together and the life that you thought you would have together as a family. It takes a long time.

Shayelle · 05/04/2017 07:17

If you got back together with him I bet he would only start making you feel that way again soon enough. Maybe youre just ready to meet someone new, have some love in your life again?

Original poster

ineedsummer1 · 05/04/2017 08:55

I feel stupid every time I'm rejected, I just want to be happy again x

OP posts:

idontwanttobehere · 05/04/2017 09:18

Massive sympathy here, OP. I am still in love with my ex despite him making it clear that he doesn't feel the same way, both through his actions and words. I wish I didn't want him back so much, but I do.

I think it's a waiting game. I know I won't feel like this forever and, deep down, I know I'm lamenting the loss of the life I thought I should have. We have so much potential but, unless he's all in too, there's no way it will be realised.

It's infinitely harder when you have kids. I think I'd be ok if I didn't have to see/speak to him, but I need to facilitate contact for DC.

I hate myself for wanting someone who so blatantly doesn't want me. I think it speaks volumes about my lack of self-confidence: I know my 20 year old self would be screaming in anger at who I am now.

Tell yourself that you deserve better and accept that it's going to feel like shit for a while.

idontwanttobehere · 05/04/2017 09:20

I too have also had the "should we try again" conversation, to have him reject me. Again. Apparently Him ignoring me for the last 18 months of our marriage wasn't enough of a clue to me that he's not bothered. Its horrible and I feel your pain.

Original poster

ineedsummer1 · 05/04/2017 09:45

I always thought we would work it out somehow, but he will never see the reasons why I left. I worked so hard when we were together and I needn't have bothered because he didn't care either way. He slobs around with his girlfriend and his mother tidies his house!! Why the fuck would I want to go back to that!! I need a slap 😫

OP posts:

TrippyMcTrapFace · 05/04/2017 09:57

It sounds completely hopeless OP. Have you been dating new people or do you not feel ready?

Original poster

ineedsummer1 · 05/04/2017 10:47

I'm with someone but not sure he's right for me, but then he might be if I could get ex out of my head?

OP posts:

TrippyMcTrapFace · 05/04/2017 11:15

You say you're 'with someone', is it just casual? If it's a serious relationship does he know that you still love your exh? I'm struggling to understand why you'd stay with the new guy knowing you love someone else.

TrippyMcTrapFace · 05/04/2017 11:16

Posted too soon.
Is there more going on here that you haven't told us about?

hareinthemoon · 05/04/2017 11:29

Some really good and nice advice here.

I read something that made a lot of sense to me - that we often focus too much on how we feel about partners or ex-partners, when what we should focus on is how we feel about ourselves when we are with them. Put that way, decisions often take on a different frame. Why would you want to feel the way you did when someone ignored you? I know I don't, so the question of how I feel or don't feel about X becomes much less important.

It's horrible though.

User75478973479 · 05/04/2017 12:18

I'll be blunt here. Once it goes for a man that's it. After 2 years I didn't think once about my ex wife.

Original poster

ineedsummer1 · 05/04/2017 13:54

I know I'm better off without him I just hate it when he messes our daughter about, going out when it's his weekend.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 05/04/2017 13:58

I miss the man you thought and hoped he would be. Not the man he actually is. Time to work on yourself.

idontwanttobehere · 05/04/2017 18:11

OP, I'm stepping back and I suggest you do too.
In order for ex to want me, I'd need to fundamentally change who I am. I'm not able to do that (and doubtful that if I did he would actually want the new me anyway)
I cannot change how he feels. I can only change how I feel about him and myself. Minimal contact which is focused solely on DC is the way I'm going. I'm detaching and forcing myself to seem like I don't care. I'm hoping that, in time, I just won't anymore. It's a case of fake it til you make it.

Original poster

ineedsummer1 · 05/04/2017 18:57

Yes I think I do miss the man I thought he would be and the life I thought I would have with him. He appears to have reverted back to what he was before me iykwim not someone I recognise.
I think too deep.
I have to step back before I drive myself insane,
Thanks all

OP posts:

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