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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Couldn't make it up!! Exh upsetting dd

7 replies

onanotherday · 02/04/2017 00:41

...dd is 13 and going through a tough time..anxiety and school refusing Getting support and help but it's going to take time. Saw exh for first time in a couple of months last week where is was less than discret about his self harming and explained his cuts etc to her!! Now she is upset and worried about him. Wtf. .she has enough on her plate. Do I just reasure her he is getting help? Discourage the little contact she has? Or ignore...at my wits end.

OP posts:
Rainybo · 02/04/2017 07:10

I suppose it depends why he showed her and how he talked about it, what is he like in his interactions with your DD? Is he concerned that she is self harming? Or is he trying to reassure her that it's ok to be anxious and/or have mental health issues? Or does he take pleasure in messing with other peoples emotions and making people worry about him (even your DD?)

I think your idea to reassure her that he is getting help is a good one if it is accurate. However, if he is able to speak to your DD about it and reassure her himself then that would also be good IMHO. Otherwise you're the one sorting out the mess all the time, although I understand you may have been forced into that position.

neonrainbow · 02/04/2017 07:21

Was he trying to empathise with her?

Original poster
onanotherday · 02/04/2017 08:14

No she saw the marks and asked. However he wasn't trying to hid them. She knows he has as MH problems but not too much about self harm. My hunch ( based on years of his acting out...narc bpd..diagnosed) is he was after sympathy..it's all about him. For example he has been living abroad then coming back ..then going again..no consistancy. ..I asked him with 2 months notice if he would attend a big multi-agency meeting about dd at in two months..took him 4 weeks to tell me as luck would have it he's in Spain this as few days...you get the picture. Btw he has no money..has paid no mainternance in years! lives off family and friends. Just feel going NC for her maybe the better option.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 02/04/2017 09:03

It does sound like he isn't great at being a father but I'd be careful about making DD go no contact she's of an age where she will want to make her own choices, even if some of those aren't the best.

Original poster
onanotherday · 02/04/2017 09:12

I agree..I'm the one that often facilitated contact..left to him wouldn't happen. But I do it for her...regreting it now. She's old enough now will back off and leave it to them.

OP posts:
mummytime · 02/04/2017 09:12

Can you get her mental health professionals to talk to her about how healthy contact with her father is?
With my DD there were times they would call me in so I could express how I felt about something, and then they could discuss it with her either with or without my presence.

Original poster
onanotherday · 03/04/2017 10:52

Yes will take it up with counsellor. But showing scars of when he 'branded' himself is not protecting her just after sympathy in my books. Will not activly support contact..although he is 300 miles away so unlikely to be an issue
Thank for your replies.

OP posts:
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