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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Marriage counselling, any success stories?

25 replies

Stopthisshemozzle · 29/03/2017 21:04

Is it worth the time, effort and money?

Has anyone come back from a pretty broken marriage via counselling?

Having a horrible time, 'D'H wanted to separate, now he's begging forgiveness. I just feel so hurt though and since having DD it has been hard. I want it all to work and be wonderful again, but I'm really scared to put myself in the firing line again.

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Original poster

Stopthisshemozzle · 30/03/2017 00:17

Bumpy bump bump

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Original poster

Stopthisshemozzle · 30/03/2017 00:17

3 glasses in.

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lazycrazyhazy · 30/03/2017 00:26

Yes. My DC and partner of 10 years (with 2 DDs of their own) go regularly and it sets them up for the week ahead, they definitely function better and are happier when they go. They were in a very bad place when they first started. Good luck.

HatHen · 30/03/2017 00:27

Yes. Went for about 1.5 years. Changed our life. We went on NHS. It is definitely worth a try.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/03/2017 00:33

Absolutely saved our marriage. Twice.

But a lot of the success with counseling has to do with the reasons behind the marital problems. Some things are fixable, some are not.

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore · 30/03/2017 00:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WildBelle · 30/03/2017 01:13

I worked for Relate for a number of years, and I would say that it counselling definitely helps most people. Whether it fixes them, or just as a neutral, safe place to talk things over and come to as pleasant as possible end. It was lovely to see couples who had had their relationship transformed and skipped off into the sunset together. They tended to be the people who would come for several months and obviously worked hard at their relationship in between sessions.

TheNaze73 · 30/03/2017 08:35

A success of sorts. It gave me the clarity to realise, it wasn't for me, so I walked.

Original poster

Stopthisshemozzle · 30/03/2017 08:51

What sorts of problems aren't fixable?

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Esoteric · 30/03/2017 09:49

Stop this, I think emotional stuff is a hard one, affairs etc, also if one partner fundamentally doesn't fancy the other anymore etc

AcrossthePond55 · 30/03/2017 15:56

Stop, that question doesn't have a general answer. What's 'fixable' is individual to each person.

Off the top of my head for me it would be violence, cheating, criminal activity, serious financial irresponsibility and probably other things I haven't even thought about. And sometimes love just dies and the person isn't interested in continuing the relationship.

I'm curious as to why you're asking. Is there something you think is 'fixable' that your partner is saying is not? Or vice versa? Because as I say, it's entirely a personal thing.

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore · 30/03/2017 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Stopthisshemozzle · 30/03/2017 22:10

I am asking because I love my husband and I think he loves me, he says he does.

It all came to a head, he said he wanted to separate. Now he wants to reconcile (it was the day after he said it he said it was a terrible mistake). I feel that for one awful heat of the moment argument... just that we shouldn't throw away a decade.

DD is two, was poorly when she was born (NICU), which really took it's toll and has been an awful sleeper ever since. We have just bought a house too, which needs redecorating and things. I think all the stress just got to him and he snapped.

I think we have let it slip but that it's all still within reach if we try. DD adores him and when we're good we're amazing. It seems though when it's bad we crumble at the moment.

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AcrossthePond55 · 31/03/2017 01:11

Did he say why he wanted to separate or just the generic 'I'm not happy' which can mean everything or nothing?

If there's no 'third party' involved and he's just overwhelmed or stressed then counseling is definitely in order, at least for him. Likewise, if he feels he's 'lost' you in the duties that come with motherhood, that's something that both of you should seek counseling for.

Have you asked him to go? Remember that the main thing is that if he refuses to go, you must go yourself. Things won't get better if both of you don't work on them. And if he won't, you'll need the tools to deal with whatever may come next.

Boogiewoogiebuglegirl · 31/03/2017 01:57

I have recently been seeing someone alone which has been really useful, but she has said the next step is going as a couple. I did find it useful going alone though as it helped clarify my own thoughts and now I feel much more confident about doing this as a couple. She also helped me understand why I have reacted to some things the way I have.

I also figure that it's worth doing as that way if things don't work out at least I can, hand on heart, say that we have tried all options.

Original poster

Stopthisshemozzle · 31/03/2017 21:21

We have just moved house and it was as part of a stressy argument really and he came out with 'We have to separate' and it went from there.

Two days later he is begging for reconciliation and suggesting counselling (actually my brother's suggestion to DH, he is very fond of my husband and wanted to help us stay together).

I think he just had a massive stress induced wobble and I was rather highly strung too. To be fair we have been together 11 years and this is the first time he has ever behaved like this.

I have no idea what I am doing with my life right now. I feel totally out of sync with the world.

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Original poster

Stopthisshemozzle · 31/03/2017 21:21

I had thought there was another woman, but I am convinced otherwise now.

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happydays2017 · 31/03/2017 21:26

Get the right counsellor and it can be amazing
We were on the brink of divorce and tbh I only booked us in so it 'appeared' we had tried everything
I can't believe how much it changed for us,
Hope it's successful for you

Original poster

Stopthisshemozzle · 31/03/2017 21:28

The hardened part of me did think at least it shows my willing...

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Original poster

Stopthisshemozzle · 31/03/2017 21:29

I hope so too. 11 years is so long and there was so much greatness and love. I really want us to continue that for DD.

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AcrossthePond55 · 31/03/2017 22:12

In your case, I'd definitely go for marriage counseling. Where is he now? Is he out of the home or are you just 'living apart together'? I think I'd be tempted to keep things as they are right now and start counseling. Let the counselor 'guide' you back together or help you cope with a split if things don't go as you hope.

Original poster

Stopthisshemozzle · 31/03/2017 22:30

He is still in the home. He went to see flats, but as we have just moved and the finances are joint ... so he has just been in the spare room.

He also works long hours, so it would feel a bit cruel him only seeing DD at weekends too. He isn't the most efficient, but he is a very loving and fun Dad. She would miss him so much.

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Ohmywow · 01/04/2017 00:00

Another success story here. We went as separation counseling and two years later we're still together… Give it a chance, you've got nothing to lose.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/04/2017 00:21

Honestly, I'd say leave him in the spare room until you've begun counseling. Let the counselor help the two of you decide when the time is right.

As far as seeing DD, if the result is that the two of you split, well, that's just the way it is. Children from split homes are pretty much commonplace these days so she'll have plenty of company. They aren't in the minority any more. Children are also very sensitive to unhappy parents. Better she see her dad at weekends but the both of you are happy, than that she grows up in a home with two unhappy parents. But that's getting ahead of things. Just get into counseling, the two of you.

WeeMcBeastie · 01/04/2017 02:48

I went to Relate three times during my marriage and whilst the first two lots of sessions helped us stay together for longer, it really just delayed the inevitable. I ended up throwing my wedding ring at him the third time and that was pretty much the end of the marriage! This is just my view but as well as making a promise to myself that I would never tolerate cheating and emotional abuse again, I have also made the promise that if I'm in a relationship that's got to the stage where I'm even considering counselling then it's time to get out. Life is too short, why settle for an unsatisfactory relationship? If it was a friendship you wouldn't think twice about ending it. I'm sure there are some long term success stories but all of the friends I have who have attended relationship counselling have all split up eventually even if it's years later. My main motivation for attending was that I didn't want to be a single parent, I am better off now in every way except financially but I manage. Although I lost my home due to his debts, I am saving for a deposit and should have enough within the next year if not before. I have seen my daughters thrive in our happy home and my only regret is not leaving him when we first went to counselling.

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