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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being over sensitive?

26 replies

Furrythings · 29/03/2017 06:50

Last night out of the blue dp said "can I make love to you before the Russians arrive?" Russians meaning period. To paint picture, I'm absolutely knackered from work. Pissed off with him anyway as he hardly ever wants to go anywhere with me or take me out. He does however want to have sex with me on a regular basis. We last did it on Saturday night. Normally do it only once a week. I was so angry and haven't spoken to him since. I feel I'm only good for one thing. So so pissed off.

OP posts:
User543210 · 29/03/2017 07:03

He is immature for calling it ''Russians'' if you haven't agreed on calling it something. I know some people have a code word and are okay with that.

Have you told him you want to go out? Have you ever taken him out? Just tell him you're too tired to have sex - tbh I don't think sex once a week is that much really. Grin

How often is he actually taking you out? I think once a month date night is good - it depends on how much you're expecting really.

Original poster
Furrythings · 29/03/2017 07:12

Once a week is all I can manage. He never takes me out. Not ever. Also won't come out with me at the weekends. I feel he only wants me for sex and nothing else. I hate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Furrythings · 29/03/2017 07:13

I have tried to take him out too but he won't go.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 29/03/2017 07:14

Can't imagine a grown man speaking to me about the 'russians' Confused - are you happy with that choice of word.

is he tracking your period dates? My DH would never know when I had my period unless (at my choice) I specifically wanted to tell him.

Ragwort · 29/03/2017 07:15

Why are you with him? A 'partner' who won't go out with you at the weekend - what does he do at weekends?

User543210 · 29/03/2017 07:16

Have you talked to him about it? Sounds like you need to sit down and have a serious conversation.

Ragwort - My partner knows when my period is, he knows to bring home Feminax Grin

TheNaze73 · 29/03/2017 07:17

This is one of those scenarios, where one of you needs to quickly break the cycle, before it spins out of control. You'd be more inclined to have a more regular sex life, if he was doing the things you wanted & he'd be more inclined to take you etc, if he had a fulfilling sex life. You both need a talk, as you both seem oblivious to what each other wants

sooperdooper · 29/03/2017 07:19

That's the least sexy thing to say, ugh I wouldn't want to have sex with DH if he said that!!

No I don't think you're being overly sensitive - tell him going out and doing stuff as a couple is really important to you, he sounds very dull

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/03/2017 07:36

Why are you and he together at all?. Its a pretty rubbish picture anyway of a relationship that you set out here so what is in this for you?.

Adora10 · 29/03/2017 13:53

Believe in your gut OP; sounds like he only want the sex but has zero interest in either wooing you or even being nice and romancing you.

He'd be the last man on earth that would be getting sex of me, what a creep.

Ellisandra · 29/03/2017 13:58

I think the Russian comment is a red (sorry!) herring.
We use all sorts of euphemisms for fun, but not because either of us are afraid of the concept or language of menstruation.

The issue is that you don't have a good relationship with him. You don't sound like you want to have sex at all, let alone once a week. Why are you with him?

Ellisandra · 29/03/2017 14:02

I just searched your posts.
Is it the same man you posted about in September?
Because you said back then that you knew what you needed to do. Honestly what he said back then was far worse.
What do you need to do to feel OK about getting rid of this arsehole? Flowers

Original poster
Furrythings · 29/03/2017 16:59

Thanks everyone. Elisandra, he really got it after that and has never behaved like that again. I have no sex drive which of course causes him upset as he feels rejected constantly. I do it once a week but don't want to do any more. It's difficult enough when you have no sex drive whatsoever and I don't think it's just because of him as I have no sexual feelings at all. He would complain about stuff to do with me too. That comment about the Russians wasn't too awful in itself but it's the bigger picture of me feeling like an object. I do have issues around men and sex and this doesn't help. I just feel so low and he just doesn't get it. Don't know what to do.

OP posts:
ohdoadoodoo · 29/03/2017 17:00

Based on your OP alone, yes I do think you are being. If my OH said that to me I'd have laughed. But it sounds like you're not happy with him for other reasons.

Original poster
Furrythings · 29/03/2017 17:02

Ohdo yes I agree. On its own it's nothing but it's the bigger picture. Sex is a bloody minefield now.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 29/03/2017 17:03

You may find your sex drive returns if you got rid of this sexual insensitive git who only thinks of himself.

Adora10 · 29/03/2017 17:04

Don't have sex with him when you don't want to; you owe him jack shit.

Bitchfromhell · 29/03/2017 17:10

I'm not sure what the bigger picture is here so can't really comment if yabu.

However, in my relationship, which is pretty good, not perfect, if dh said something like that I would take it as a joke. If I didn't like his tone or choice of words I'd tell him. He'd get over it.

What I'm trying to say is that in a normal marriage that kind of thing happens, but isn't a big deal.

If this is such a big deal to you then I imagine the problem is much bigger than this one comment.

Original poster
Furrythings · 29/03/2017 17:35

I found the comment crass and hurtful like he's keeping an eye on when my period is due so he can get some sex in before. I find that horrendous. Makes me feel like a sex doll. Perhaps there is something wrong with me.

OP posts:
Bitchfromhell · 29/03/2017 17:46

I'm sure that there is nothing wrong with you. If that's how he makes you feel then you need out.

Original poster
Furrythings · 29/03/2017 17:48

I'm home now and he's not happy. Saying I haven't changed anything he's asked me to about my behaviour. That I don't give him any time at home which is probably true. Also that he has no say in the house. I've had it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Furrythings · 29/03/2017 17:49

I feel sick with frustration. Maybe it's me all along. I don't know.

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 29/03/2017 17:51

There is nothing wrong with you, op. Sad

Get rid of this insensitive, unpleasant man as soon as possible.

Bitchfromhell · 29/03/2017 18:25

I think your relationship sounds toxic. Nobody should be able to make you feel shit. Nor should they want to change you.
I'm not saying it should be easy because no marriage is.
You should definitely not feel like a sex doll though. That must be awful.
Do you love him? Trust him? If something awful happened would you want him to help you cope? Are you depressed?
Btw, you don't need to answer any of my questions, they are just what I ask myself if me and dh have fallen out. Might help if you give them some thought?

ohdoadoodoo · 29/03/2017 19:08

I don't think there's enough info to call him an 'unpleasant, insensitive man' yet. All the OP has said is that he asked if they could have sex and that he doesn't often like going out with her.

We don't know the reasons why he doesn't want to (money worries/tired from long hours/him and the OP not getting along/him wanting some space?) and the sex comment in and of itself isn't a big deal - it's a non-issue tbh like some others have said.

I guess you just need to figure out if the things you're unhappy with can be worked on!