Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Thoughts on ea

22 replies

tobedetermined71 · 22/03/2017 12:55

My husband and I have been living apart for almost 6 months. We finally started counseling 2 months ago and things seemed to be getting better.
Last week I discovered that he had been having an affair for most of this time.
I took him a few hours before he could give me the 'whole truth'....on line and texting very regularly for 5 months. He ended it a month ago. He was very remorseful, acknowledged he needed help and said that he would do anything. ...almost anything. He has sworn up and down that they never met but he is refusing to give MD access to his phone records. He is even willing to have me walk away over it.
Yesterday we went to see our counselor for the first time since this discovery and she told him no more trickle truth...lay it out.....so he did. Said they spoke on the phone but his brain became foggy again as he couldn't recall how much etc. Again he has refused the phone records.
Thoughts???

OP posts:

Original poster

tobedetermined71 · 22/03/2017 13:12

Let me add....he is willing to give records for March and onward. He is afraid that I'm going to call the ow

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/03/2017 13:27

I'm so sorry, that's awful. In order for you to have any chance of moving on he needs to be completely honest and transparent. As he's now a proven liar he needs to give you a chance of finding the truth, even if that means you contacting the OW.

If he chooses not to be honest and open with you, what sort of future do you have? You don't trust him now and won't again.

Adora10 · 22/03/2017 13:56

Well that tells you another story OP; no doubt it was full on sexual affair and he's protecting OW; I'd cancel the counselling right away if I was you, waste of time; he's still lying to you, not the actions of a person wanting to save anything.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/03/2017 14:34

With something like this, if he can't be fully transparent then it's game over.
He should be bending over backwards to help you understand this.
See what it entailed.
And allow you any access you want.
The fact he won't means he is hiding a lot more than he is letting on.
He's following the cheaters script to a T right now.
EA my arse!

Original poster

tobedetermined71 · 22/03/2017 15:08

Agreed. ..my gut says you don't disclose because there is more
The counselor explained the impact that trickle truth has...which is when he confessed that they had spoken on the phone. he has been given a few opportunities to just come clean but he swears up and down that they never met.
They only thing that makes me believe him is that he has not exhibited the usual improved grooming, dressing better, getting into shape, if anything he has gotten much heavier and dissatisfied with his appearance.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 22/03/2017 15:12

Mmmmm... that is quite opposite to what normally happens.
But he needs to give you access.
If he won't then he needs to explain why he won't!

Adora10 · 22/03/2017 15:41

OP; of course they have met, he's hiding plenty, I am sorry but he's got some cheek allowing you access to his records from only March onwards; he might as well say, there's incriminating evidence prior to that, what a prize idiot.

I'd not be surprised if it was still going on; he' hedging his bets, trying you out to see if you'll take him back; maybe he's discovered the grass aint so green, either way, wake up, he's a liar; he's not even trying to prove to you.

Adora10 · 22/03/2017 15:44

And honestly, if he'd rather let you walk away than do the decent thing and be bloody honest with you, I really think you ought to take him up on that offer; what a joke, honest, I don't think he knows what that word means.

GTS · 22/03/2017 15:47

hmmm, on the fence about this a little bit. In all likelihood he did meet up with her and is still lying, but on the other hand maybe he just doesn't want you reading the sexts that they sent each other? I imagine that would be pretty cringeworthy stuff for your DP to read...
Either way, it's not looking good. Do you want to save your marriage?

TheNaze73 · 22/03/2017 15:48

I would be out of there on what you know already. He's stuck two fingers up, at you & the relationship. I reckon they'll be more to come out & he's insulting you by offering the records from only March onwards.

Gallavich · 22/03/2017 15:51

He's clearly still lying so...

Paperdoll16 · 22/03/2017 17:52

In order to be able to remotely consider moving on from this he needs to give you full and open access to the previous bills that will/can coincide with what he's telling you (if he's genuinely telling you the truth now).

The fact that he won't give them to to you prior to match is probably because they're more incriminating than you currently know!

Hardly the actions of full remorse?? More like continuing to hide what he can from you!

Were you on a 'break' if you were living apart?

Original poster

tobedetermined71 · 22/03/2017 18:09

Not on a break...just living apart. We broke up in Sept, he moved out and a couple days later we decided to see if we could get things on track

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/03/2017 18:49

Game over.

While trying to get you back he was also lining up a replacement.

Get. To. Fuck.

I would not have another second of couples therapy.

lizzyj4 · 22/03/2017 18:59

He's already admitted to having an affair at a time when he was supposedly committed to 'working on it' with you (and you would have thought that then, of all times, he would be putting in 100% rather than being so involved with OW). And now he's not willing to do the work needed to rebuild your trust. I don't see any positives here, tbh.

Original poster

tobedetermined71 · 28/03/2017 09:25

An update...I decided to believe him, he swore they never meet. Still wouldn't provide the phone bill and told counsellor that he believed that I would obsess over it and might call all the numbers ( some Co workers and job search stuff). He swore up and down so I decided to believe him. We started to move forward, things were excellent for 4 days and tonight I decided to check his bank records and there it was! A hotel booked on one of our mini break ups with lunch the next day.
I knew he was lying but he was so believable! No apology and he wouldn't even admit it...just kept saying he didn't remember. I knew my gut was right but I didn't want to believe it or any of you

OP posts:

Elaisa · 28/03/2017 11:40

If he didn't even remember he had .et with OW and probably had sex with him, he should make an appointment to the doctors to see if he has Alzheimer's (kidding)!

Well, there really isn't a point to go forward with your relationship, is there?

hellsbellsmelons · 28/03/2017 11:58

I'm sorry OP.
The collective MN knowledge and hindsight is usually right.
But you know now.
So what next for you?

Original poster

tobedetermined71 · 28/03/2017 12:46

Divorce. It's over and there is no looking back. I may have been able to survive if he had come clean after the counselling appointment when he admitted to talking to her but I can't count how many times since that day that he swore they never met. He wasn't even apologetic when I confronted him....his words...I can't remember. So now I need to forget the past 8 years, him and move on

OP posts:

Paperdoll16 · 28/03/2017 13:17

Oh dear, OP.

I really don't want to say I told you so but I was one of the ones who said to you that I don't think you can believe him when he isn't being completely open and honest with you. 'His brain became foggy' and 'he said he didn't remember booking, paying, sleeping, eating and more than likely doing things with OW in a hotel room?'

Please please DO NOT be sucked in any more times. You have said the words 'he swears up and down' multiple times in this thread. He is lying up and down, I don't know about anything else.

I can't help but feel you will probably be angry at him and take him back once he begs a little more but if you are crazy enough decide to do that, you HAVE to have access to everything, everything!! Phone bills included.

Adora10 · 28/03/2017 13:47

Not in the least surprised; serial cheat who is crap at hiding his movements; I hope now you get rid; they ALWAYS deny and minimise; you knew deep down he was not telling you the truth; I guess we hold on to that bit of chance that he could be a good guy after all; you now know so act accordingly; don't get duped again, the guy can't help himself.

Original poster

tobedetermined71 · 28/03/2017 15:14

My gut told me there was more...I knew it didn't make sense. He swore, I wanted to believe. Thank goodness the truth was revealed before he moved back home!
There is no going back from this. I could never trust him again. If he had come clean all at once we would have had something to work with

OP posts:

Flip