How have I got it so wrong?

[BaymaxismyHero]

My ten year old hates me, has no respect for me and clearly doesn't care.
I just don't know how I've got it so wrong.
I thought this behaviour would be in a few years time. Not at ten.
She gets treated kindly. Does lots of activities yet the attitude is horrendous.
This morning I lost it and exploded, after being ignored when I asked her to do something twice. And she didn't even look up at me. That just felt like a fuck you I'll do what I like.
She says I shout but when I talk nicely I'm ignored.

I don't expect good behaviour 24 hrs a day.
Where has my nice girl gone and why am I so crap at being a mum?

If the attitude is horrendous then the activities shouldn't be happening!
You aren't crap!!
Dc are awful at times!!
When my dd 10 went through an awful spell she had a week of early nights and I was honest about why - I said I wasn't prepared to spend more time in her company than I had to with her attitude!! She learnt and honestly has been great since!!
You are allowed to hand out consequences for bad behaviour!!

What are her punishments for bad behaviour?
Does she go to bed with her phone at night (if she has one)
Have a look at parenting books for pre-teens and teens.
Kids can be horrendous at times.
I went through hell with my DD.
But they do come out the other side. Honest!

Respect = treats.
Disrespect = Sweet FA.
She is old enough to know the difference. Quiet age appropriate conversation to explain/re-iterate this to her wouldn't hurt.

I reckon it's the age. My ds was exactly the same at this age. At this age, they have a need of greater independence, but not the means to actually achieve it. They crave grown-up freedom, but are terrified that they won't be able to cope. They need to break away, but haven't got the maturity to do it tactfully.

Ds became a lot pleasanter when he reached an age (15/16) where he was actually able to have that independence and could see for himself that he was able to get it right and that we did not resent it.

Before that, what helped me was trying to stay really calm and (perhaps a silly word) impressive. As in someone who was willing to show a certain amount of understanding but who would not be rattled. Even if I had to fake it a lot of the time.

It's never been this bad, it's like she woke up and thought right I've been great for 10 years now I'm going to be a little shit.

Bed early and she doesn't have a phone.
Tablet is taken away this week, and sports will stop. Paid or not it's unacceptable.

I've never had to take things away before but I bloody well will not be treated like a mug by a ten year old!

Agree with boundaries but also lead by example, if you have exploded at her then she will return fire with fire.

I know it's frustrating but I got to the stage with older dc where I walked out of the room rather than blow up.
If you have been out if order talk to her and apologise.Ask her to cooperate and let her know sanctions.If you do x then I will take away y.

Is she yr5 or yr6, if yr6 Sat s pressure could be building.

There'll be a reason she's acting like this. It may be hormones, it may be mental health issues or it may be something like bullying or friend problems. Instead of reacting, you should try to get to the bottom of it.