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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

9yo DS just pushed 7yo DD

29 replies

CharlotteCollins · 21/03/2017 19:30

I wasn't in the room. I heard them arguing, then a sound like someone falling against furniture and DD cried out. I sent DS straight to his room because we all needed space at that moment. DD said she was pushed; DS said he was leaving the room, pushed her with his shoulder and she "over dramatically" jumped backwards and fell.

Their father was (is) EA, that's why I left. I don't want my DS to think this is OK, but I don't want to imagine he's already like his dad, either.

So how do I deal with this, and is he likely to regret what he did?

OP posts:

Original poster

CharlotteCollins · 21/03/2017 19:34

I've told him no screens for now: that used to be the consequence for 24 hours after hitting her (this is when he was about 5 and it happened fairly often). I also said I'm thinking of cancelling his friend coming round tomorrow, since he's not that bothered about what he did and his apology was a joke.

OP posts:

CharlieChopstix · 21/03/2017 19:38

God I wouldn't go overboard here. Siblings do this. Just tell him off and ask him to apologise. Try not to project onto him

It'd be completely overkill to cancel his friend

IHaveOtherNames · 21/03/2017 19:40

I agree, siblings fight. You're overreacting.

Original poster

CharlotteCollins · 21/03/2017 19:41

Really, would it? Oh that's a relief.

I'd just like to be able to see into the future and know he grows up OK!

OP posts:

Goforit2017 · 21/03/2017 19:41

I thought exactly the same as pps. I would tell him off and move on.

isadoradancing123 · 21/03/2017 19:46

You are overreacting and just because she is a girl doesn't mean that she is an angel and isn't trying to get him in trouble

yumsy · 21/03/2017 19:46

Move on. Siblings test physical boundaries on each other so they know how far to go outside. It's all part of growing up.

RebelRogue · 21/03/2017 19:47

What caused the argument? What was said? Was his sister in his way or did he make his exit by deliberately going near her and bumping into her?

Telling him off is fine. Taking the screens off fir a day is also fine if the action was deliberate and his attitude after sucked. But don't go overboard. And try to make sure you know who did what.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 21/03/2017 19:48

DS1s father was abusive to me in every way, and I struggle when DS1 fights with his siblings not to overreact, so I understand your reaction. I think your consequences are right, but it's also right to step back and not overthink a sibling scrap iyswim.

donajimena · 21/03/2017 19:51

My son gave his brother a black eye. I was shocked as they rarely fight physically. That was 2 years ago and they are still as thick as thieves. I remember kicking my brother in his shins so hard that I cut his skin. We still like each other. I am a fully law abiding nice person too.

oklumberjack · 21/03/2017 19:52

I have a dd and a ds. This is very normal sibling fighting. Yes, a punishment like no screen time tonight etc but nothing too over the top.

My dd is the eldest. I used to go hard on my ds because always seemed to be the one pushing, thumping etc. Now my dd is 12 she's admitted to me that she often faked/over exaggerated stuff because I used to tell ds off all the time!
Makes me feel awful.

RedBugMug · 21/03/2017 19:55

cancelling his friend - maybe if he doesn't improve behaviour. but siblings do fight. it's normal. they have to learn by observing and ocassionally consequences.

CharlieChopstix · 21/03/2017 20:03

And no, I doubt he'll regret what he did he's a 9 year old boy. I personally wouldn't take screens away either - just read riot act

Original poster

CharlotteCollins · 21/03/2017 20:14

I'm glad I posted, I'm relieved to read your responses. Re reading the riot act - that's never really been me. I just can't do it, don't know what to say.

I'm glad not to cancel the friend: DS needs time not being the only boy in the house!

OP posts:

isittheholidaysyet · 21/03/2017 20:18

Sounds like every minute of every day in this house. Not acceptable, but...

TedEriksen · 21/03/2017 20:23

He pushed her? Our parents regularly had to take improvised weapons out of our hands! Pushing would hardly warrant a raised eyebrow...

BackforGood · 21/03/2017 20:28

Agree with everyone else - siblings fight. Siblings also wind each other up. They also do over react to get each other into trouble. Your views are probably tainted by your experience with your ex, but this sounds pretty normal sibling behaviour to me. Either could be completely truthful and the other worng, but most likely it is a bit of both - he shouldn't have pushed past, she probably did over react. Don't blame your ds 'just' because he is a boy though.

Original poster

CharlotteCollins · 21/03/2017 20:33

It's not because he's the boy; it's because he hits. And pushes. And is mean to her. But I can see that he finds her annoying.

I shouldn't have had children: I don't have a clue, really. 11 more years and then I have some sort of idea if I've done OK!

OP posts:

Original poster

CharlotteCollins · 21/03/2017 20:34

Don't know what I'd do if they were fashioning weapons against each other!

OP posts:

Believeitornot · 21/03/2017 20:38

I think you need to be careful not to automatically punish your ds.

There are two sides to the story. Your dd may have been over reacting, she might even lash out back on occasion in future.

What works with mine is sitting them both down and asking them each in turn to tell their own side of the story. Usually that's when it emerges that it is really wouldn't be fair to punish one not the other.

I would read "siblings without rivalry". it helps in terms of not taking sides and helping your siblings get along.

crazyhead · 21/03/2017 20:42

Standard stuff! As others say, I'd be wary of assigning your DS a particular role in this because of his gender - it may be what he says is quite correct about just bumping past your daughter.

In these situations, what I normally find works best with my kids (who are younger than yours) is to ask them to think about where in the situation they could have dealt with things differently, cos often when one of my kids clonks the other, there has been a 'wind up and up' period where both of them have contributed to it. I kind of want to teach them to settle matters themselves if possible and 'own' these situations.

However, your kids aren't mine - and I'm sure you've done all that :)

TedEriksen · 21/03/2017 21:12

Don't know what I'd do if they were fashioning weapons against each other!

It brought out our creative side ;)

Crumbs1 · 21/03/2017 21:15

Are you possibly overreacting? Two siblings squabbling. No big deal.

TedEriksen · 21/03/2017 21:17

Joking aside, ours are younger than yours but with a similar age gap, and the youngest is a terrible drama queen, so when something kicks off she'll automatically go into high gear. Unless you happen to be there at that particular moment it's impossible to tell who 'started it'.

As an oldest sibling myself I would concur with the advice not to automatically blame the oldest sibling!

grannytomine · 21/03/2017 21:27

Charlotte, if this is the worst that's ever happened I think your doing a marvellous job. When mine were younger it sometimes felt like I was living in the middle of a Rocky film.

Don't be hard on yourself, you must be a great mum.

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