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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU? Or is his mother being mean?

33 replies

emilyk315 · 21/03/2017 16:45

Just looking for some opinions please.

My partner is really sick, he's back and forth to hospital appointments with a potentially serious life changing condition. I want to take him to these appointments but his mother won't allow it. She insists she has to take him. I appreciate she's concerned, she's his mother, she wouldn't be much of a mother if she wasn't concerned. But I'd like to be there for too. I love him, I want to be there for him, to support him. She says I'm not allowed.

She doesn't consider us a proper couple because we're not married. We live together and have been in a relationship for over 7 years, but this counts for nothing in her eyes, all because I don't have a ring on my finger.

Do I have a right to take my partner to hospital appointments? Or should I step aside because I'm not his wife? Does she get priority over me?

My partner says he never wants to get married, which I accepted a long time ago. However, since he's been having medical problems I'm concerned that if it's serious and he needs care she'll insist he moves back in with her (he listens to everything she says, won't take much for her to persuade him) and I'll rarely see him, I was never welcome in her home when we both lived with our parents. Which will inevitably end up with us breaking up.

Is it easier to cut ties and end the relationship now? I don't want to leave my partner but I really can't face a life where I'm not allowed to be there for him just because we're not married. Does she have the right to dictate what I am and am not allowed to do for him? This is really getting to me and making me depressed.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 21/03/2017 16:51

She's being ridiculous and you should stand up to her; take him to the hospital and don't ask her permission

Only thing I can say for her is it must be hard too but that's no excuse to be so awful to you

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 21/03/2017 16:54

If he is an adult then he can decide who goes with him surely?
Ses like he is happy to keep the apron strings attached.

Sorry but you sound more invested in the relationship than him if she comes first on this.

ZilphasHatpin · 21/03/2017 16:56

Ugh! He sounds like a man child. What self respecting adult lets their mother take control of their life like that.

I'd run for the hills in your position. It doesn't look promising. He has no desire to change it.

Hissy · 21/03/2017 16:57

You got a bloke problem, not a mil problem

Of course living together places you at the level to be there for him at hospital appointments, his mother too tho is understandably beside herself and wanting to be there for her son. She should However allow you space.

He's told you he never wants to marry you, she's awful to you and he allows it.

I'd say ride out the worst of the hospital stuff and look to extract yourself from it all.

Billybonkers76 · 21/03/2017 16:57

Sounds like quite the mummy's boy! They are both being ridiculous, after 7 years he should cut the strings!

TheHouseOfIllRepute · 21/03/2017 16:57

I think you need to discuss this with him
Are you a couple or not. Has he named you as next of kin?
If he can't mentally commit cut your losses and leave them to it

Goforit2017 · 21/03/2017 16:58

Who does he want to take him?

FreeNiki · 21/03/2017 16:59

She isnt the problem your partner is.

He wont marry you, your mother wont accept your relationship because of this (how convenient).

If he wanted it to stop he would have told her by now.

You have wasted 7 years of your life on an overgrown mummys boy fgs dont end up being his carer too.

Let him go as it doesn't seem like he is that bothered about you.

FreeNiki · 21/03/2017 16:59

*his mother not your mother

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/03/2017 17:03

Its not you, its him. Your partner is as much a problem as his dysfunctional mother.

The words "uphill struggle" spring to mind re your partner and their unhealthy enmeshment is all too evident. He is not strong enough emotionally to say no to her; he is far more afraid of her than he ever would be of you and still seeks her approval. This sort of dysfunctional dynamic does not change and he would have behaved the same regardless of whom he was with.

I would cut your losses and walk away; he will continue to put his mother first and foremost in his life and certainly above you.

Bluntness100 · 21/03/2017 17:03

If you love him I can't see how you can consider dumping him because of this, at this critical time in his life.

Yes his mother is being over bearing and self centred, but I think for you to dump him is worse.

ImperialBlether · 21/03/2017 17:04

Why doesn't he want to get married and why have you stayed with him, knowing that?

Who does he want to look after him, his mum or you? If it's his mum, I'd leave him to it.

It sounds like it would be a dreadful life for you to be a carer to a man who doesn't put you first.

Stripeymug · 21/03/2017 17:15

I am really sorry that your DP is having scary medical issues. I think that you need a heart to heart with him about what he wants from you during this time.

You have made a home together, you need to talk about how his mum is treating you.

WannaBe · 21/03/2017 17:15

"If you love him I can't see how you can consider dumping him because of this, at this critical time in his life." well, if he loves her then he wouldn't consider moving out and moving back in with his mother.

A relationship is a relationship through good and bad surely? In sickness and in health even though that's not a set vow, if the OP and her DP live together then I wouldn't be expecting him to move out to live with his mother regardless of the circumstances. So yes, I would end the relationship.

HecateAntaia · 21/03/2017 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum · 21/03/2017 17:21

Oh dear, this means he considers her his next of kin and the more st important person in his life since he's not put her straight.

Even if you don't leave him you can be damn sure you need to make sure you are legally protected and recognised as us anything happened, you have no power and his mother would not consider your rights to your home or finances.

JustEatYourDinner · 21/03/2017 17:25

How tied are you financially, if he has said no to marriage? Can you walk away? Do you share the lease / mortgage on your house? Are you in his will? Do you have joint debt? I don't want to make this sound like it is all about money, because of course it isn't, but wanted to make you think where you stand walking away compared to staying.

EmeraldScorn · 21/03/2017 17:30

I don't see why one needs to be excluded over the other and I think it's unfair of you to expect him to choose; She's his mother, you're his partner - Both of you can be involved!

My mum would want to accompany her children to hospital no matter what age they were (she was there for every surgery/chemo session my sister ever had) no one had an issue with this because it was about my sister and her wishes, she wanted her mum and her husband but she's not an "overgrown mummy's girl" for wanting to have her mum by her side. My mum has also been present for the births of all of her grandchildren because her sons and daughters wanted to share that experience with their mum but we're all fully functioning adults without apron strings attached and we don't feel the need to put our partners before our mum or vice versa.

You've been with him for 7 years, she's been with him his entire life - If it's so much of an issue both of could take him together.

I roll my eyes when I see wives/girlfriends bitch on here about their husband's mothers; Your partner is sick, you should be thinking about him not trying to start a fight with the woman who gave birth to him.

WannaBe · 21/03/2017 17:40

There's a difference though between both being there for someone and one insisting that it should be all about them. the OP has said that his mother will want him to move in with her and that he will oblige. Moving out of the joint home and back in with his mother is very much still being attached to the apron strings, and I usually roll my eyes at the majority of MIL posts on here.

I was very seriously ill towards the end of last year and both my DP and parents were very much involved - in fact my mum moved into my house for three weeks while I was in hospital and recovering. They've driven here to take me to hospital appointments etc and my DP has been here as well (we don't live together due to distance.) But it would never occur to me to consider moving in with my parents - especially if I lived with a partner. That sends out a very clear message that the DP doesn't want the OP to be involved in caring for him, and I would absolutely end the relationship over it.

expatinscotland · 21/03/2017 17:52

Jesus wept! How did your standards slip so low that you think you deserve a manchild like this? Why do you just 'accept' he doesn't want to get married when it appears you want to.

His mother is his next of kin. He is sending you a VERY clear message here. PLEASE listen. When people tell you who they are, listen.

Get rid. This isn't love, you can't have love without respect and he has none for you.

Original poster

emilyk315 · 21/03/2017 22:41

Thanks for all the comments. I'm relieved to see the majority of you understand where I'm coming from, it's a relief to know that I'm not completely overreacting.

Just to answer some of the easier questions - I'm not that bothered about getting married, never have been so the fact he doesn't want to has never been an issue up until now. It matters to me now as I won't get any say in his care, etc, if his condition is as bad as they think. Financially not tied, house is his, no debts together. I could walk away and I have somewhere I could go.

I completely agree that as his mother she has every right being involved. That's not my issue. My issue is am I over reacting because she won't allow me be involved? Because she doesn't consider our relationship serious. Do I have as much right as her to be involved? Should I accept it and back off?

She won't allow me to be involved or go along to the appointments, even if she goes too. This is where my problem lies because as much as I care about him and I want to be there for him, I'm being pushed away and left out of the picture. She is making it very difficult for me to be involved.

OP posts:

Moanyoldcow · 21/03/2017 22:47

But what is HE doing about it? I would expect my DH to deal with his mother if there was an issue and not defer to her.

pictish · 21/03/2017 22:57

So why hasn't he said, "Mum...I'm going to the hospital with Emily."? Or "Emily is my partner, I want her to be there."?

Ultimately it's his choice. It seems he has made it. Sorry.

FreeNiki · 21/03/2017 23:31

You're still not getting it.

his mum wont let me be involved is what you keep saying. He doesn't want you to be involved. It's him not her.

Count yourself lucky that you're not going to end up a carer for this arsehole and that it's a bullet you've dodged.

Jux · 22/03/2017 00:00

This is really something only your dp can sort. He should be including you you should be his first choice, but it seems that you aren't. If that is the case, then you know what you need to know. If not, then he will take you to his appointments, and find out about NOK and how to ensure that you are not kicked out of your home should the worst happen, and that you are consulted.

Ask him. Then you'll know.

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