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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partners drinking, is it too much?

25 replies

SchnitzelVonCrumb · 19/03/2017 08:11

DF drinks every night.

I would say he averages 5 cans of beer per night, (being an average sometimes it is more sometimes less)

I don't come from a family of drinkers at all.

He does, his parents also drink every night.

He never gets angry, goes to the pub or hides it from me etc. He just always has a can in his hand.

It is frustrating because he also smokes, works outside and doesn't wear sunblock (we live somewhere that this is a must) and just generally doesn't seem to look after himself. We are also a bit skint at the moment and the money spent is a fortune.

I'm really not sure how to discuss it - past attempts have never gone well and he is right in that I knew he drank before we got together.

OP posts:

Original poster

SchnitzelVonCrumb · 19/03/2017 08:38

Does anyone have a partner who does this? Is it a safe amount?

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 19/03/2017 09:05

It doesnt matter if it is too much or not if you are not happy with it it is a problem..l would hate it. And l would be upset over the money. I dont know what you can do to change it though..one thing is make sure you have equal money and dont cut back on reasonable stuff you want just because he is keeping money for booze. You have my sympathy.

SleepingTiger · 19/03/2017 09:07

5 cans is too much. 1 can every night is too much if it's an addiction.

Gout eventually.

Lilaclily · 19/03/2017 09:08

What is df ? Fiance? Does that mean you don't have kids with him ? I'd be reevaluting the relationship tbh because being with someone who always has a can in their hand and pisses away all your money , literally, won't be a fun life for you

ElspethFlashman · 19/03/2017 09:13

That's too much. He basically spends every night of his life slightly drunk. That would be hard to stop I imagine.

How much is a can? Do you have shares finances? I once talked to a guy who had just had a heart attack. Asked him now much he drank and he considered it moderate as it was only Friday and Saturday nights in the pub. I counted up and informed him he was spending 1.5 grand a year on drink. His face was like

But I suppose you have to have a plan for the very real possibility that he will never want to stop and will never see the need and will be like this for the rest of his life.

delilahbucket · 19/03/2017 09:15

Way too much. My dp was the same when I met him. Turned out it was boredom drinking. We stopped smoking together and now only drink once a week. The first cut down he made was to every other day when I said I couldn't have sex with him if he had been drinking and I hadn't. Then he changed to Fri, Sat, Sun only. Now he's cut right back again as we're TTC but he has sperm issues (not alcohol related but it doesn't help). The major problem is, he really likes the taste of beer! He doesn't drink to get drunk.

Original poster

SchnitzelVonCrumb · 19/03/2017 09:24

I have no job - we have kids. We live somewhere that means it is impossible for me to work - to aid his career.

I obviously love and like him. He is kind caring loyal etc etc.

He said he was going to go to the doctor for the medication that helps you quit smoking.

He wouldn't begrudge me spending money however I do realise we have to spend less on things to ensure he has his smokes etc.

How do I talk about this with him - does anyone have any practical advice?

OP posts:

Original poster

SchnitzelVonCrumb · 19/03/2017 09:26

His alcohol use has contributed to his depression however he has never been an angry, aggressive, silly drunk

OP posts:

luckylucky24 · 19/03/2017 09:42

My DH goes through phases of drinking more and then cuts down. When I feel it is getting s bit much I tell him I am concerned about his intake and feel it is getting a bit much. He always takes it on board and adapts but to be honest I have only had to bring it up twice in 8 years.
Maybe try to the "I am worried" approach so it doesn't feel like a criticism.

Original poster

SchnitzelVonCrumb · 19/03/2017 10:29

I have tried that - nothing really changes

OP posts:

MNHQ

LornaMumsnet · 19/03/2017 11:21

We're just sending this over to relationships.

tribpot · 19/03/2017 11:29

He's drinking somewhere around 7 units a day, so 49 units a week. Way, way over the recommended amounts. And with no alcohol-free days he's giving his liver a pretty good battering. What will you do if he's no longer able to work due to smoking, drinking, skin cancer or some combination of the three?

Would he take the conversation better if it came from a friend?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2017 11:33

Like many many posts of this type its mainly about the alcoholic; hardly anything about you.

What is your definition of an alcoholic, would you class him as an alcoholic. They do not all sit on park benches all day long drinking nor even drink every day.

Did you realise that alcoholism can be learnt behaviour as well, he did come from a family of heavy drinkers who also drink every day and that should have been a red flag to you.

Why are you and he together at all?. Is it purely because of the children and the fact that you still love him?. I put it to you that you are confusing love with codependency and you are in a co-dependant relationship with him. You are not helping him by being with him, not at all.

What you've tried has not worked so a change of tack is needed. help your own self now and make plans to leave this individual.
Your children are seeing all this at first hand as well. What do you think they are learning about relationships here?. Is this what you want to teach them?

I have to look at you in all this as well because you are enabling him by simply being there and propping him up. You are playing out the usual codependent and enabling roles here, all these are usually seen in such dysfunctional relationships where alcoholism is a factor.

Talking to him about his drinking is a wasted effort; you can only help your own self and this man does not want your help or support. He is likely to be in complete denial about his drinking and other issues and therefore talking is a waste of time. He probably thinks you are curtailing his enjoyment and will blame you.

Al-anon are not just UK based but worldwide; is there a branch of them you could contact?. You need outside support and ultimately you and he need to be apart. He is simply dragging you and in turn your children down with him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2017 11:36

Alcohol as well is and acts as a depressant; he is likely to be self medicating with alcohol.

How is he kind, loyal and caring OP?. Where is the real evidence for that?. Are you simply kidding yourself here?. I see you and your children going without so he can have his drink and smokes.

QuiteLikely5 · 19/03/2017 11:38

You can't work because of his job??? What sort of job prevents a spouse from working when there are no kids to consider??

What he is doing is not great but it is something that will cause massive issues between you because it's who he is and essentially he is ok with being that way.

in your shoes I would be looking at gaining financial independence as his job only supports his smoking and drinking habits!!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/03/2017 11:51

She does have kids quite

I'd try to get him to cut out for a couple of days a week and go from there.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2017 11:56

The 3cs re alcoholism:-

You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

QuarterMileAtATime · 19/03/2017 12:00

My guess is she doesn't have a work visa where they are.
OP. It's difficult. My exDH is a daily (and bi-weekly binge) drinker, from a family of drinkers, while I would have a couple once a week if that. He is also a smoker and a spender, while I am a saver and think of the future. These being bigger issues once we had children and definitely contributed to us not working out, so better to confront the issues now.

Original poster

SchnitzelVonCrumb · 19/03/2017 17:56

Doing without is only on luxuries, we are never without foodie clothes and are living in a lovely home.

Examples of being kind and caring: coming home everyday and spending an hour with the kids just playing and really asking them questions about their day. Never raising his voice at me and always trying to cheer me up if I am sad. Working very hard to provide for the family. We never argue in front of the children. Pulling his weight in terms of child rearing, house keeping etc. Trying to optimise family any chance he gets ( would rather spend time at home a reading a story out loud than be down at the pub)

The children have never seen him smoke.

That's why it's confusing he genuinely is a really amazing partner and husband. I have been lurking these boards for years and have seen all the signs.

He just always has a can of beer in his hand and won't bother putting on sunblock and seems to care little about it!

He comes from a family that drinks every night. I guess because his family are v v wealthy and "naice" and his parents are still together and in love went to the best schools etc it all seems non sleazy to him.

Wrong about VISA it is physical isolation that prevents me and a lack of reliable internet, no cellphone coverage etc.

Very very remote

OP posts:

Original poster

SchnitzelVonCrumb · 19/03/2017 17:58

Rather than telling me to LTB which I am not ready to do yet and I am in no danger of being emotionally or physically abused does anyone have tips for dealing with this.

I don't like Al-anon and can't get to any meetings anyway

OP posts:

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/03/2017 18:15

As I said, try to get him to have 2/3 alcohol free days a week. Go from there.

Any ltb comments are ott. That's not where you are at/will probably never get to.

tribpot · 19/03/2017 18:47

But what tips are there? He has an alcohol problem. Until he's ready to admit that, there is very little you can do about it.

This is the companion book to the one that I read when I first stopped drinking. I haven't read this one but I assume like the one for problem drinkers it is full of sensible and non-judgemental advice, it might be worth you reading it. But there is no magic spell to get a problem drinker to accept they have a problem and want to do something about it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2017 18:57

You have taken up a defensive stance but it won't help you ultimately. Your emotions instead should be directed at him for putting you and your children in this position in the first place.

Bargaining with him simply does not with alcohol dependent people. Also he has the knowledge that OP knew about his drinking when she met him and uses that against her as well. He grew up seeing his parents drink heavily so regards it as normal behaviour.

Genuine question - why don't you like Al-anon?.

Sadly you are unlikely to leave him at present because you currently get what you want out of this relationship i.e. your own needs being met on some level. Also you are probably afraid of being on your own.

Re your comment:-
"Examples of being kind and caring: coming home everyday and spending an hour with the kids just playing and really asking them questions about their day. Never raising his voice at me and always trying to cheer me up if I am sad. Working very hard to provide for the family. We never argue in front of the children. Pulling his weight in terms of child rearing, house keeping etc. Trying to optimise family any chance he gets ( would rather spend time at home a reading a story out loud than be down at the pub)"

This is all pretty much standard parenting so does not deserve any extra brownie points. If you are that remote as well there is probably no pub for him to go to so drinks at home instead. Who buys the alcohol?. You do not like seeing him with a can in his hand; there is nothing you can do to change that because he does not see it as a problem. You cannot fix him but still want to fix him. You are a bit skint primarily because of his drinking and smoking vices.

kel1493 · 19/03/2017 19:04

It's not so much the amount, it's the fact he's hiding it from you that would worry me.
I drunk every day, and I admit I have a high tolerance for it. But I'd never hide it from my dh.

Original poster

SchnitzelVonCrumb · 19/03/2017 19:46

He never hides it from me.

I agree that is standard parenting.
He isn't an overly affectionate person who says kind things, he is more of a be there when you need it and be loyal type person who has truly made me a better person.

Feeling defensive because he isn't a bad person who warrants calls of LTB who emotionally abuses me. At all.

I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, I don't want him to die young and I don't want him to drink every night. That's the crux of it really.

I don't like Al-anon because of the religious overtones associated with the local groups.

He saw this thread anyway has said that he will agree to cutting out the beer. Fantastic.

OP posts:

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