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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wary, yet hopeful

31 replies

pizzaeatingmonkey · 11/03/2017 23:03

I feel about 15 saying this but...it's not me, I'm posting for a friend!

Man approached me on FaceBook, we got chatting, all his page is visible. He's divorced, has custody of his 10 year old daughter, lives across the pond, works in transportation on the waves. Lots of chatting back and forth.

(at this point Pizza asked her friend how she got approached by a stranger and she said that her profile picture had popped up on his page, and he'd liked the look of her. But don't you have to have mutual friends? Apparently he had said it was strange that that had happened).

Anyway, we'vd 'talked' about dislikes, expectations in a relationship both ways. Now being asked to consider a long distance ( across the pond) relationship and would I be up for that?
Apart from the obvious catfish warnings, and trying to find out more about him online, anything else I should consider, apart from the very obvious issues and scaremongering thoughts.
I'm 58 and wise, but possibly up for stupid...any thoughts welcome in the off chance I haven't already thought about it at 3am?
His daughter has a live in nanny as he's away 3 weeks at a time but wants to retire early for her sake.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 12/03/2017 13:07

I'm confused, you say it's for a friend but you talk as though it's you?!

You're talking to a total stranger about personal things, do you not see this as dangerous?

Montane50 · 12/03/2017 13:19

What would you get out of the relationship? Any plans to meet up so you know you aren't being catfished?

forumdonkey · 12/03/2017 13:25

Across the pond? What's the geography? It wouldn't be a relationship IMO, you'd be penpals.

HmmOkay · 12/03/2017 13:27

"His daughter has a live in nanny as he's away 3 weeks at a time but wants to retire early for her sake".

That sounds odd to me. Where is her mum? If her mum isn't on the scene at all then why doesn't he get a job local to his daughter?

Itsmeitscathy · 12/03/2017 13:30

Sounds dodgy. I'd avoid. Next thing will be he's away on business and stuck so needs your friend to transfer 1k immediately for tix. Or he wants to visit but can't afford upfront blah blah blah. But I'm a cynic...

Esoteric · 12/03/2017 13:35

As it's exactly says, check him out, insist on a phone number and address , do not under any circumstances do anything involving transferring money

ImperialBlether · 12/03/2017 14:43

If he's away for three weeks at a time, I'd assume he's back with his family at that point. I bet you can't contact him then, can you?

And what sort of single parent gets a job working away 3/4 of the time with a young child? All of his wages (and more) would go on the nanny, for one thing.

BubblingUp · 12/03/2017 15:53

What would be the point? Sounds dodgy, so why bother?

Gallavich · 12/03/2017 15:55

Is this guy in the army by any chance?
This is a really common love scam. Stay away. On the tiny chance that he's real, where could this possibly go?

Trustyourself2 · 12/03/2017 16:12

Why would your friend want a long distance relationship with someone who lives thousands of miles away?

Are you saying that the same man is in contact with you and your friend?

Original poster
pizzaeatingmonkey · 12/03/2017 20:11

Apologies all, I posted late last night with my friend messaging me what to put, she's in the North West, he's, allegedly living in Manhattan but on a boat going to an even further destination at the moment.
My opinion echoes Itsme it does sound dodgy. I would have nothing to do with it, personally.
The poor lass has been badly hurt in the past and has no money for herself let alone transfer to a 49 year old who lives in ( a-hem) Manhattan.
I will pass your comments on to her. She does seem smitten.

OP posts:
highinthesky · 12/03/2017 20:13

Smitten by a virtual identity?!

Original poster
pizzaeatingmonkey · 12/03/2017 20:29

Reporting back...I feel like a spy now.

forumdonkey pen pals?...he wants to meet!
Hmm He's retiring in 2 weeks to be with his daughter. ( At 49??)
loveyou What's he going to do? Jump out of the computer
Granted he may be an axe murderer..but why kill me for my bankruptcy notice.

OP posts:
Toobloodytired · 12/03/2017 20:29

Tell her to take his photo & reverse search it in google.

I had an extremely good looking guy message me on fb, told me loads of shite. I reverse searched his photo & found it to belong to a model!

Told him I knew, he got nasty told me it was wonder I was single & blocked me Grin still trying to deny he'd stolen someone else's photos!!

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/03/2017 20:34

As I've previously stated - I apparently, had the US Secretary of State trying to 'friend' me (also widowed, US Army, with one child). He'd nicked the photo...

Tell your friend to watch his messages and see if they show signs that English may not be his first language, also of him trying to make sure he keeps all conversation focussed on her and 'getting to know you' type stuff. No general chit chat about current events etc.

He could be genuine, weirder things have happened, but...seriously? Who would move where? He's got a child, would your friend really want to uproot and move to the States leaving her own family and friends behind?

Original poster
pizzaeatingmonkey · 12/03/2017 20:44

My friend is now thinking about re joining Mumsnet because of the fantastic humour and nothing trite, all about your histories etc.

OP posts:
Maverickismywingman · 12/03/2017 20:49

I think your friend should consider something more real closer to home.

I don't really trust people that message out the blue on Facebook and have everything on their page public.

Steamgirl · 12/03/2017 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pizzaeatingmonkey · 12/03/2017 22:36

My friend has just said...A big thank you to Mumsnet with the reverse search thing...yes he was a fraud.

Steamgirl I was trying to be a supportive friend and that's why I didn't post it on AIBU. She has found out the truth without having to get hurt. Thanks to Mumsnet.

OP posts:
Steamgirl · 12/03/2017 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HmmOkay · 13/03/2017 00:11

You are a good mate.

No harm done I hope. In future tell your friend that being contacted online by people that she doesn't know from another country is never going to be a genuine cyber happy ever after. And she knows that. So stop.

Original poster
pizzaeatingmonkey · 13/03/2017 03:06

She's a lovely lady and has been treated like shit by men and life in general.
I am usually very blunt too, but managed to rein it in. If it were all true she is certainly one that deserves an explosion of happiness. This is why men ( or people) like this twat are so horrid. They seem to manage to pick people that don't deserve to treated like this.
Thank you all for your support, my friend seems to have left FB and all other similar things. I've sent her a text, but no reply as yet! Hence I'm awake at 3am.

OP posts:
Maverickismywingman · 13/03/2017 07:30

Phew!!

HmmOkay · 13/03/2017 10:57

Hope she is okay.

She did the right thing in confiding in you about it. The tip above on here about the reverse search of his photo is a great one.

I hope she doesn't feel foolish - these people are experts are reeling others in.

Toobloodytired · 13/03/2017 15:10

Oh I'm glad I commented now!

The reverse search works EVERY TIME!

I do it with people I meet on pof too!