Sleeping on the sofa

[esmaesmomma]

I've just woken up with dd my OH is fast asleep on the sofa and has been there last night. We haven't had an argument or anything it's just I quite often go on up bed abit earlier so I can read.

When my OH wakes up he will tell me that he came up to go to bed but I was taking up all the space... this will be a complete lie! He has been doing this a lot and makes me feel really guilty for hogging the bed but I had my suspicions he wasn't even coming up bed. Last night when I went up I closed the door up and placed a pair of rolled up socks behind the door.. when I woke up this morning the socks where in the same position and the only way to place the socks back would be from inside the bedroom so i know he didn't even attempt to come up to bed.

When OH tells me he tried coming to bed and I had taken all the room then he complains that he always sleeps on the sofa and he's tired because of that reason what should I say?

He's done this before where he said I was laid in the middle of the bed and had taken all the blankets... when I woke up in the morning his side of the bed was completely made.

What should I say and why doesn't he just come to bed? We have a good relationship and are currently planning our wedding for later this year.

I know this might seem petty to some but I just needed to get it off my chest.

Does he ever sleep in the bed?
Do you have sex?
Can I hazard a guess that he is playing video games?
Is he drinking downstairs?

Yeh he does sometimes sleep in the bed but I would say it's 50% of the time.

Sex life has kind of suffered since dd was born she was delivered by forceps and I was cut and torn quite badly so it's quite painful Also since being back on the pill I've been spitting on and off every few days for the last few months.

No drinking we have a couple of drinks together while watching a movie some times but we don't keep alcohol in the house he drinks pre mixed cans and only buys himself 2 of these for a movie night.

No video games either his PlayStation hasn't been plugged in for months... much to my annoyance as I got him a few games he wanted back along they are still in their wrappers.

You say the sex life has suffered does that mean he's trying to initiate and being knocked back?

If so he might be feeling rejected and choosing to isolate himself from you physically. It can feel easier having a physical distance than being next to your partner if you desperately want to initiate something but know it will not be welcome.

That's weird. All I can think of is:

a) He doesn't feel comfortable sleeping with a baby in the bed (scared of rolling on her?)

b) He falls asleep on sofa, wakes at say 4am, but knows coming to bed then would wake you and DD

Time for a chat with him, I think.

Is he watching porn on his phone?

Anytime sex is initiated by either one of us it's never rejected if I can't have sex with him we do other things.

Sorry I may not have been clear dd doesn't sleep in bed with me she sleeps in her own room In her cot.

I think he does watch porn on his phone yes. It's not a problem to me and I think he has always done this.

Could you read downstairs on the sofa for a few nights or stay up late with him and then it's late say "shall we go up?"

If he still insists you go up and he'll come up after when it's already late and he looks tired, then if it was my partner I'd assume he was up to no good on his phone, I.e texting or talking, sorry. Not suggesting he is, but that would be how my mind would think

Doesn't sound like anything obvious then.

DW goes to bed earlier than me as she needs much more sleep. I've been known to fall asleep on the sofa and wake up at 3 or 4 am but I always go to bed when I do, the bed is warmer and and comfier than our sofa. The only time I choose to sleep on the sofa is when I have a cold and would be keeping DW awake if I was in bed with her.

I think you need a chat to find out why, if this is being driven by something which is bothering him you need to know sooner rather than later.

That said it could simply be he gets a better nights sleep there. Is it a really comfy sofa, do you snore, talk in your sleep, toss and turn etc?

We do have a very large corner sofa and yes it's comfy but he's never complained of a bad nights sleep in the bed.

As far as I am aware I don't snore I have on occasion talked in my sleep this is usually very early morning apparently but I have been known to sleep walk frequently over the years.. I don't know why I do this but it's usually when I am under a lot of stress. I haven't done this in months though.

I do try and read downstairs but I find the telly quite distracting I actually read for sleep hygiene reasons Since moving into our new home I actually banned tv from the bedroom and OH agrees with the reasons for this. Our bedroom is a sanctuary, no TV no kids toys, no mess it's kept light and airy in the day and cosy at night usually I don't even bring my phone to bed but I've had to recently for the alarm as our clock has given up the ghost and I haven't got round to replacing it yet oops!

I must don't get it at all I totally trust my OH I don't believe he is cheating or up to no good. I know some people might be upset by their partners watching pornography but I honestly don't mind.. I fully accept that sometimes I cannot fulfil all of my OHs sexual needs since our baby was born and he's never given me a tough time he's very understanding and is very considerate when we are being intimate. The signs of cheating aren't there he makes me feel great about myself tells me I am sexy, beautiful cuddles and kisses me regularly he calls and texts all the time when he is out or at work just to see how I am he really does make me feel good but the sleeping on the sofa thing is a little odd and to be honest starting to be abit hurtful.

I'm actually in bed now and he's downstairs watching his tv series still.

I do this when my depression is returning. How is his mental health? It's almost like I'm scared of sleep.

Regardless of the reason, he's lying to you and trying to make you feel guilty for him having a bad night of sleep.

You need to tell him you know he's lying because of the socks and ask him why? Maybe add that lying to you is disrespectful and makes you feel bad.