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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband lied about our finances

18 replies

MamaFern · 28/02/2017 14:01

Hi, I don't really know where to start but here goes.

My husband took out some credit cards last year, I knew about them and the reasons for taking them out. He was the only one working at the time, and handles our finances because he's an accountant.

Anyway, fast forward a year and I've learnt he's maxed out the cards and has £8000 credit card debt. Nearly £5k has now been balance transferred to a credit card I've taken out (now working) but there is still £3k+ on a credit card that he defaulted on, for 6 months.

What upsets me most about this, is he didn't tell me how much debt we had, and that he had defaulted on all the cards (especially the one that was for 6 months).

His credit score is now horrendous obviously and basically all the debt is now in my name.

I don't trust him. I feel sick that he would keep so much debt from me. There are lots of other things that he's dropped the ball on financially too, such as being in arrears for our council tax, failing to cancel things and then being charged for months etc.

I am pregnant with our second and due to go on maternity leave in may. I had planned not to return after my mat leave but now may no choice.

What can we do to work through this?

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 28/02/2017 14:12

Do you know what he has spent it on, is it mostly bills, food and mortgage. I'd have thought accountants earn a good wage.

Original poster

MamaFern · 28/02/2017 14:16

One off payments was what we needed it for (moving house, exams etc) but tbh I don't know because I haven't actually seen the statements, just seen the letters from debt collectors and his credit file.

He does earn good money, but we are young (he's only 22) so we have no money behind us so to speak, despite earning over the average wage.

OP posts:

tickingthebox · 28/02/2017 14:23

Is he employed or self employed? You need to be very careful as many many financial organisations classify defaults/ccjs and bankruptcy as Gross Misconduct.

NaiceBiscuits · 28/02/2017 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tickingthebox · 28/02/2017 14:29

I think reading your OP he's just "defaulting" on payments, in which case get them back to fully paid ASAP and no one should notice....it's more of a problem with CCJ or bankruptcy...if it goes through the courts it will get noticed

Original poster

MamaFern · 28/02/2017 14:46

He's an employee and not self employed.

As far as I'm aware, there are no CCJs (according to his credit file and haven't seen any correspondence to make me think there are).

He's completely burying his head in the sand and isn't dealing with it at all. He's now making the minimum payments on the defaulted account and I'm paying off the card that's now in my name.

I'm just so angry he'd let it get so bad without telling me. I'm also terrified of what else he has kept from me.

OP posts:

aginghippy · 28/02/2017 15:03

What else do you think he might have kept from you?

Orangebird69 · 28/02/2017 15:04

He must be barely qualified as an accountant if he's only 22... 🤔

Ellisandra · 28/02/2017 15:14

He's probably not fully qualified - OP mentioned exam payments as part of the reason for credit card.

Original poster

MamaFern · 28/02/2017 15:19

He's 3 exams away from being fully qualified with ACCA, he works as a finance manager. Sorry should have said he was part qualified!

I honestly don't know. He won't speak to me about anything, every time I try to bring it up he gets angry because he doesn't think what he did was so bad because there's nothing I could have done to help. But surely that's not an excuse, if we're married I want to know everything, especially as it affects me too.

OP posts:

Original poster

MamaFern · 28/02/2017 15:20

Yes he's been self funding most of his exams (which are pricey with all the learning materials).

OP posts:

LeninaCrowne · 28/02/2017 15:32

A friend of a friend married an accountant.
She owned her own house which he moved into. He persuaded her that he should look after their finances, and that they should only have one joint bank account, as he was an accountant. Turns out he was a cheater and by the time she found out, and started divorce proceedings, he had run up loads of debt that he hid from her. She threw him out, and he he ran up even more debt, including paying for a fancy holiday for the OW and OW's parents and siblings from the joint bank account (how generous of him ). He refused to have his name taken off the account and agree to get divorced until she paid the all 'his' debts and give him a further lump sum on top as his share of the marital pot. Sadly she had to sell the house to do this and is now fucked financially.

OP, I would keep a very close eye on your family finances and not take on any more debt in your name. Be warned!

TheNaze73 · 28/02/2017 15:36

Financial cheating is akin to emotional & physical cheating. I'd be having none of this

aginghippy · 28/02/2017 15:51

Every time I try to bring it up he gets angry because he doesn't think what he did was so bad

That would worry me more than anything. He deceived you, is not remorseful and shuts down any discussion about it. Your marriage can't be a genuine partnership if you can't talk about what's on your mind.

zippey · 28/02/2017 16:04

Financial cheating is very different to physical cheating. Unless he is planning to have sex with the money.

Still not good though.

user1479305498 · 28/02/2017 16:12

I think a lot of people "cheat" financially because they want the other partner to think everything is hunky dory and not to go down the "rows about money" line. I do think society conditions us these days to believe that relationships are all about nice meals, holidays, everyone looking good, nice home , when in reality these days in the UK for many (even on good money) if you are in an expensive part of the coutry and thats where most work is--its a struggle. Given that for instance renting requires you to be putting down 6 weeks money plus a months rent in advance before you get your deposit back (and you may not get it all) its very easy to see how these things escalate and people start getting defensive because its difficult to manage on average earnings and still function.

Tenshidarkangel · 28/02/2017 16:52

What in the heck are you doing OP?
You don't know what he's built the debt up doing and yet have taken it on?! Your score will now be effected. What if it's a gambling addiction? Or something illegal?
I honestly don't know. He won't speak to me about anything, every time I try to bring it up he gets angry because he doesn't think what he did was so bad because there's nothing I could have done to help. But surely that's not an excuse, if we're married I want to know everything, especially as it affects me too.

You have taken on his debt. That is disgusting!

kavanaughkj · 28/02/2017 17:39

I found myself in a similar situation to you about a month ago, OP, though my DH fully accepts that what he did was totally wrong. He spent about a year trying to fix a shitty situation on his own so he wouldn't stress me out, only for it to snowball around him to the point where he had to tell me about it. It doesn't help that I'm pregnant with our first (again, similar situation to you). Thankfully he hadn't defaulted on the card but he's had to pay a couple of overdraft fees and a lot of interest. I'd thought we had a house deposit of around £20k that basically had to be drained down to £3.5k to fix the mess. He's bloody lucky I wasn't doing the same without his knowledge or we'd truly be up shit creek without a paddle.

I won't lie - it hurt. A lot. He didn't do himself any favours in terms of how me or my family view him. I still love him - it's not something you just turn off - but I've never wanted to punch him so much. It was a weird feeling - I wanted to hug him and tell him it would be OK (he was pretty much hysterical when he finally worked up the courage to tell me, was convinced I would just walk out) but at the same time I was hurt, disappointed, shellshocked and after a while properly angry.

He knows he's affected our future. He's essentially made it impossible for us to buy a house now for at least another 2 years, most likely more now we have a baby on the way. I wanted to be able to look for a house by the end of the year and that's never going to happen. He may have restricted where we can look in future as prices rise. He's narrowed our options with regards to my working future and what we can do for our baby. He also just lost his job and I am now freaking about how we're going to afford anything at all if he can't find another one soon.

Thankfully at least we have no debt, and still have a fairly comfortable slice of savings, which I would obviously prefer not to drain. He's sold some of the things he bought. He's given me full access to his bank accounts and I check them at least every other day. I don't like treating him like a child but we need to have control over this and share our problems together. The hurt is as much about him 'protecting' me and not sharing his problems as it is about the money - we're supposed to be a partnership and hoarding up problems like this just makes them worse. Sadly it seems to be how he operates - he doesn't tell me things because he doesn't want to worry me, and it all ends up blowing up in his face.

He knows if anything on this magnitude happens again I won't be inclined to be anywhere near as forgiving. I want him to prove to me he's committed to our marriage and is willing to live through a few hardships in the name of making our future together. If he can't ... he's not the man I hoped he was. I really REALLY don't want to be a single mum but I can't spend my life fighting his sabotage efforts either. We will both have something larger than ourselves to worry about very soon. I'm just hoping the shock and the pure shit of all of this penetrates to the point where it actually makes a difference to our future. I guess time will tell.

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