Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

'I didn't have sex with my wife for 5 years'

22 replies

Dineoutone · 25/02/2017 22:30

He's divorced and said on our second date after a month of talking (met online). Would you believe this? It's made me suspicious as he's a very touchy/feely person and I can't imagine him declining sex. He said she wanted it but he stopped finding her attractive after so many arguments...

OP posts:

Littledarlingdog · 25/02/2017 22:40

No I'm sorry I wouldn't believe it

Ellisandra · 25/02/2017 22:43

I didn't have sex with my XH for 5 years - I was deeply suspicious that he was using prostitutes but had no proof. Also had just had a baby and a complicated work situation, so didn't leave immediately. I am a touchy feely type and like sex - my fiancé and I have sex about 5-6 days a week. So yes, it's believable to me that you can go without sex in a marriage for that long.

I'd want a good explanation for why he didn't leave though. 5 years is a long time to hang around, I'd worry he lacked decisiveness! Sorry if that sounds a bit hypocritical given my own history but I had reasons that obviously were understandable to me. I'd want to know his reasons.

Dappledsunlight · 25/02/2017 22:44

Maybe that's why he's touchy/feely precisely because he didn't have sex for five years....He could be telling the truth if he says he didn't find her attractive. What was thehe reason for the divorce?

TempusEedjit · 25/02/2017 22:44

Sounds like a crock of shit. Beware.

LeSquigh · 25/02/2017 22:45

I would VERY much believe it. I was in a sexless relationship for YEARS. We had sex purely to conceive and that happened very quickly. No further sex once I was pregnant. Having been together for 18 years we split up when our DS was very small.

I have now been with my current (and hopefully lifelong!) DP for 5 years. I'm pregnant st the moment and still having a decent sex life. It's a bit uncomfortable for me but we do what we can. Outside of pregnancy we are at it constantly.

It really depends who you are with and what your relationship is like.

TempusEedjit · 25/02/2017 22:51

It's not so much that there aren't sexless relationships out there, it's the timing of this conversation and the fact he's comfortable being very touchy feely already with someone he barely knows. Doesn't sound like someone who would turn down their wife for 5 years. I would interpret it as trying to give a false sense of security, like "I could only sleep with you if I really liked you". Cynical of me I know.

Original poster

Dineoutone · 25/02/2017 23:04

Well he says he stayed with ex wife for the kids - so he wouldn't have to move from their home.

5 years seems so long especially if the wife wanted it... I mean, why did she stay and put up with it?! He says it was a cause of a lot of arguing between them. They divorced because they'd not been getting on for many years, apparently, and kids were gone.

OP posts:

Hermonie2016 · 25/02/2017 23:07

It doesn't ring true to me.His wife wanted intimacy yet she argued with him.I would want to know why they argued and whay responsibility does he take for his part?

My stbxh was married before and I was uneasy that he couldn't describe his part in the marriage break up..quelle surprise he never took responsibility for anything in our marriage and I was always to blame.

Holly3434 · 25/02/2017 23:08

Arguments can cause men to not get erections, add this to him not finding her attractive yeah pretty impossible even if the wife is desperate for it can't exactly have sex with a soft cock

Original poster

Dineoutone · 25/02/2017 23:11

It just seems strange when bds very affectionate with me. Maybe I'm just being suspicious!

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 25/02/2017 23:12

Why did she stay and put up with it?

Have you ever decided to break up your children's family, yourself? Faced the fact you wouldn't see them every day? Known that you'd have no control over them getting a stepparent?

Trust me, it's easy to stay for years too long. And that without adding in not wanting to be a failure, not being able to afford to leave, desperately hoping you can turn it around, being scared of the unknown, actually still having some good times too...

snoopersnooperson · 25/02/2017 23:12

DH and I didn't have sex for four years within our 12 year marriage. We are still married.

Original poster

Dineoutone · 25/02/2017 23:12

*he's!

OP posts:

Original poster

Dineoutone · 25/02/2017 23:14

Snoopers - how did you start having sex again? Or has it been the most recent 4 years when you stopped?

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 25/02/2017 23:15

I don't understand why you keep commenting on him being affectionate with you.
You've met him twice - of course he's affectionate with you!

But even if you weren't a new relationship... just because someone likes sex, doesn't mean they'll have sex with someone they don't fancy I love sex, have loads with my fiancé. Didn't want my cheating lying arsehole XH's dirty hands any where near me for years. Loving sex doesn't mean you'll sleep with anyone.

Original poster

Dineoutone · 25/02/2017 23:16

I suppose that's true! I just find it very odd, and I really liked him before he told me this.

OP posts:

Holly3434 · 25/02/2017 23:16

I think the issue is here you've met him twice think he's a slime sex pest, and you don't believe him, move on because this isn't a good start to anything.

FireInTheSky1 · 25/02/2017 23:21

I guess some people can put up with things for 5 minutes and some for 5 years. People sometimes wait for something or someone to change

Does it really matter how long ?
He can actually tell you any story about his past, you will probably have no way of verifying the truth

You either like him or you do not !

However, I would take the relationship as slow as you wish
People online are not always the same in reality - catfish

frieda909 · 25/02/2017 23:25

What makes you think you're in a position to judge him like this after two dates? It seems quite unfair. Plus I'm not really sure what would even be the point of lying to you about this. What could he have to gain from telling you he didn't have sex with her for five years?

Oh, and I'm very affectionate with my current partner and was all over him on our first date . I cuddle and kiss him all the time and we have an excellent sex life. But my sex life with my ex was practically none existent for years. If I'd told my new boyfriend that and he said 'oh you must be lying because you're really affectionate with me' then I'd be incredibly hurt.

snoopersnooperson · 25/02/2017 23:26

Dine it was in the middle of our marriage, we had a lot of talking and soul searching if you like. The first time we did it again was like the first time all over again although without the youngish passion. It was a huge mixture of emotions and I ended up crying a bit after due to the realisation of what we had missed out on for so long. We are still not where we should be for our ages ( mid 30s) but back to having sex once or twice a month.
So yes it can happen in a marriage but most people who it happens to, would split, as your partner eventually did.

SandyY2K · 26/02/2017 00:03

I really don't see any reason he'd lie about it. I would wonder if he'd had sex with anyone else in that time though.

What suddenly made her so unattractive to him? Weight gain? Personality change?

I can't see what he has to gain by lying if I'm being honest, so I'd believe it.

hareinthemoon · 26/02/2017 00:15

He might be my xh.

I wanted it, I thought he was depressed, angry at his job...I'd taken on a mothering role and he just couldn't do it with me. Seems fine now though I hear.

And this is very true, Trust me, it's easy to stay for years too long. And that without adding in not wanting to be a failure, not being able to afford to leave, desperately hoping you can turn it around, being scared of the unknown, actually still having some good times too...

Flip