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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've just accused DH of hurting ds what now

23 replies

Whathaveijustdone · 25/02/2017 20:46

Toddler DS was wriggling everywhere after bath and resisting DH dressing him

I came into the room and noticed large red mark on DS' thigh

DH said he didn't know what it was, I said it looked like a thumb mark, he asked who's, I said his

It's gone now so I know it was just a pressure mark.

He stormed off downstairs

What do I do

OP posts:

Liara · 25/02/2017 20:47

You apologise to your dh, and have a good think about why you jumped to that conclusion, I guess.

Original poster

Whathaveijustdone · 25/02/2017 20:49

I still think it was a mark from DH grabbing his leg to pull him back as he tries to crawl away from him getting dressed

OP posts:

SueGeneris · 25/02/2017 20:52

It sounds like he feels bad about it, hence possibly pretending he didn't know what it was and storming off. I've unintentionally done this to at least one of my DC when trying to get them dressed.

I'd possibly say to him 'I know you love DS and would never intentionally hurt him, but please would you be more gentle with him when you're getting him ready as we shouldn't be leaving marks on him. It looks ok now.'

I'd try not to let it escalate into a huge row but he's probably feeling bad about it and upset at the implication.

FreeWeezy · 25/02/2017 20:52

Hmm. Has he been aggressive or violent before or was this out of character?

highinthesky · 25/02/2017 20:53

DH probably doesn't realise how rough he's being with DS. He needs to accept it and adopt a more conciliatory manner.

Original poster

Whathaveijustdone · 25/02/2017 20:54

Yeah he is usuallly quite rough playing and stuff and I have to remind him to tone it down.

He gets very upset at the slightest suggestion he's done anything like this even as an accident

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 25/02/2017 20:54

You apologise & move on

MamaHanji · 25/02/2017 20:57

Our 2.8 year is sometimes a right terror when we are trying to get her dressed or on a really naughty day (usually when we've played with a certain child who constantly hits her parents) she deliberately kicks us. So we hold her legs so she can't boot us in the face. If she carries on trying to kick, she ends up with short term marks on her ankles, or wrists if she's hitting.

If you have no other reason to suspect he is being too rough with son in any other situation, I would apologise.

Original poster

Whathaveijustdone · 25/02/2017 20:58

I said it looked like a thumb mark as in where he'd been held, a pressure mark and the fact it disappeared tells me it was

He tried to make out it was already there.

OP posts:

Holly3434 · 25/02/2017 21:07

You've clearly got concerns about your DH with DS why bother asking him questions, why not leave? Seems more to this than a pressure mark

RebootYourEngine · 25/02/2017 21:07

If this is an one off i wouldnt think twice about it.

My ds is 12 and there have been MANY times over the years where i have bumped, bruised, scratched, marked him by accident. These things happen especially with a wriggley toddler.

Original poster

Whathaveijustdone · 25/02/2017 21:09

I generally feel that he's too rough with DS, and with me when we are messing about.

OP posts:

Olympiathequeen · 25/02/2017 21:11

So he grabbed a toddler who was wriggling and trying to get away and accidentally left a mark? It wasn't a slap or a shake he just grabbed him as he moved away. So it was accidental but you accused him hurting his child, and you can't understand why he is upset?

If you'd left a cup of warm coffee near the toddler in a moment of inattention and he had knocked it on himself leaving a red mark that faded after a couple of minutes and been accused of tipping it over him, would you be angry?

Accidents happen. You need to apologise and be a bit more reasonable in future.

Sammygold · 25/02/2017 21:13

Holly, suggesting to the OP that she should leave her DH based on the fact that he can be rough when playing with his son, is a gross over-reaction.

Holly3434 · 25/02/2017 21:16

Sammy like I said seems more to this than what meets the eye. I've seen posts here before of leaving a man over a photo, that's an over reaction. This is physical harm to a child. DH has been told and guided he is too rough when messing around but still continues so think twice when it comes to a child

Wolfiefan · 25/02/2017 21:20

What do you mean about him being rough? Has he hurt you or your child before?

Sparrowlegs248 · 25/02/2017 21:23

If the mark is as a result of him.grabbing or holding a wriggling toddler, I think you are massively over reacting. Ds can have numerous red marks after being pinned down to get ready for bed. None of them involve him being hurt, or any tears.

Holly3434 · 25/02/2017 21:24

Someone tell me why on threads if a woman writes my DO is rough when he play fights with me do we get responses of he's testing you to condition you to harm you so you accept it leave him...then a child its shut up and say sorry. Seems this rough play fighting has been going on for some time.

Witchend · 25/02/2017 21:30

When my hands are hot, then I've noticed that even placing firmly the hand on one of my dc leaves a red mark for a short time. I first noticed it when breastfeeding, and I used to feed them the first side just in their vest with my hand on their thigh. When I would go to dress them I'd notice there was a clear imprint of my hand. Really frightened me the first time.

FreeWeezy · 25/02/2017 21:35

I think you're getting a hard time op but you didn't really give the big picture in your first post. If this had been an isolated incident I would agree with pps saying apologise. However you say that he is generally too rough with you and ds. If it's an ongoing problem then I think it needs to be addressed. I think some people aren't aware of their own strength and need to be reminded. What does he say when you mention that he is rough with you/ds?

FreeWeezy · 25/02/2017 21:37

I also think it's odd that he lied about the mark already being there. If it had been an accident I would have thought he would have looked where you were pointing and said something like 'oh I must have held a bit too tight when I was dressed him and left a mark'. If it was accidental there's no need to get offended and storm off :s

Pinbasket · 25/02/2017 21:42

Maybe the fact that Ds had just got out of a bath is relevant? Doesn't the heat of the water make the blood vessels dilate and cause the skin to look redder than normal? A slight pressure on the the skin may then leave more of a mark than if DS hadn't had a bath?

Quartz2208 · 25/02/2017 21:45

It depends if you have genuine concerns but it is really easy to do.

My Ds has sensitive skin so water and heat means that even lifting him out of the bath can leave a mark. It fades pretty quickly and never bothers him.

Rough housing tends to be common between fathers and dons, explain he needs to be gentle.

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