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Original poster

Meeting friends on second date - friendzoned?

21 replies

clownsnakes · 23/02/2017 13:47

I met someone on a dating app, talked for a few weeks, went for a first date - all good, no kiss or anything which I was a bit surprised about, but he said he'd enjoyed himself and that we should do it again. Arranging second date - he invites me for drinks with his friend. Is this a polite way of nudging me into the friendzone? Sad Or am I overthinking things?

He's a little aloof, but I genuinely think that's awkwardness - and I'm awkward too, so I won't begrudge him that. Both mid-twenties, FYI - no kids.

I guess the answer is 'it's impossible to tell without knowing him' but I really just want a bit of reassurance or words of wisdom from others - I've had some bad experiences lately and like this guy a lot. Maybe I just need to give my head a wobble - easier said than done!

OP posts:
Kittencatkins123 · 23/02/2017 16:34

Hmmm that is a bit odd. Is it the only night he can do for weeks?
Also if you're both awkward - this will probably be more awkward!
Could you suggest meeting another night just the two of you?
I definitely wouldn't go.
It's kind of a safety thing in a way?

EggsEleven · 23/02/2017 16:38

It's a bit strange. Almost like he wants to get his friend's seal of approval on you which is a very teenage thing to do. It would almost be better if it was friends plural rather than just one friend - 3 people on a second date is just a bit weird and awkward.

Kittencatkins123 · 23/02/2017 16:38

If it was a group of friends at a party kind of thing it would be okay - but this is decidedly odd.
Just say you'd rather do another night just the two of you if he's already got plans.

Surreyblah · 23/02/2017 16:39

Odd and I wouldn't go.

noego · 23/02/2017 16:43

I'd go. See his true colours when he is with a friend. Its a night out. Your not committed to anything. You can always make an excuse and leave. You can over think these things.

Adora10 · 23/02/2017 16:48

So a second date with a guy you barely know and another guy you've yet to meet, no, I wouldn't go either.

EggsEleven · 23/02/2017 17:17

Adore makes a good point re: your own safety.

NotTheFordType · 23/02/2017 17:24

If it's just one friend, I'd say "I'm not comfortable with that."

Actually even if it's another couple, I'd still say I'm not comfortable. You don't even know him yet. If you double the number of people on the date, then you're only going to get half (if that) of the time to get to know him.

Just a thought - do you think he's told his friend that he's met a lovely new girlfriend (ie given the impression that you're further on than you are), and his friend's gone "Great, must meet her!" and now he feels a bit backed into a corner?

orangejuicedrinksup · 23/02/2017 17:26

He sounds socially " weird", like he has no sense of making you comfortable, what the social norms are ( I mean if there is some backstory like you discussed this friend and worked out you have an obscure hobby in common so HAVE to meet then fair enough, but just asking you with no explanation? )

EVERY time I've overlooked someone being weird I've regretted it down the line

( even if we do end up "successfully dating" for a while, their weirdness cones through?)

People show you who they are. I don't think your worry should be "does he fancy me", it should be: "he's weird so I don't want him"

Emilyx · 23/02/2017 17:34

It's a bit strange alright! Maybe it's a friend visiting or something but still, he could see him during the day or something! I'd go if I was really into the guy and see what happens, you can always leave!

Friend zoned is the worst though but that is usually a natural thing that happens when one or both people are too arkward to say how they feel etc. When you are dating a guy, you both know why you are there!

I think most guys would just not meet up again if they weren't interested or at least tell you beforehand that they'd stay friends or whatever.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 23/02/2017 17:36

Offer to take a friend too??

Original poster
clownsnakes · 23/02/2017 17:47

Thanks for your replies. I know for a fact he's really busy - studying and has a stressful long hours job at the same time - so I think this genuinely is the only time he can do and he's trying to kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. I wouldn't say we barely know each other - we've been speaking regularly for a month now, met up last weekend.

That being said, I genuinely believe he's quite awkward and inexperienced, and might not understand why it's weird to invite a friend along. He's also only moved to my country recently from a very different place, which might have some impact (hope that's not a dripfeed). But maybe this is is just wishful thinking?

Like I say I've had bad experiences with every guy previously - either leading me on, ghosting me or being really possessive very early into things, so I just don't know where I stand at the moment. I like him, we get along well (similar sense of humour, interests etc.) I'm just terrible at this and terrible at knowing the signs people are giving!

OP posts:
noego · 23/02/2017 18:06

His friend might only stop for one drink and then leave you to it. He might not want to play gooseberry :)

AuntieStella · 23/02/2017 18:17

My first thought is quite different to everyone else's.

I think he doesn't quite fancy you, but thinks you might be perfect for his friend.

orangejuicedrinksup · 23/02/2017 18:26

if you really feel you HAVE to meet this guy again, text him back and go "would suit me better to meet 1-1 some time, how are you fixed for March? " then leave it.

You'll have your answer: if the idea of a friend coming along was a manipulative social device rather than a genuine scheduling thing he'll ghost you, if not at least you'll be empowering yourself by turning it into an interaction to suit you rather than sitting there thinking " what does he think of me"

(Personally I find it s bit weird still - it's attention seeking and potentially drama making to introduce a virtual stranger into your friendship group Asap unless you are already uni mates or part of the same work group. )

Also, maybe he's one of those guys who wants to collect women for easy support and companionship and a free tour guide if he's new to the area but can't be bothered to properly socialise in real life and make more authentic friends.

KatieScarlett · 23/02/2017 18:30

We popped in to have a quick drink with DH friends on our 2nd date. He'd yakked about me so much they were dying to get the low down (said friends are now my close friends).

VikingLady · 23/02/2017 18:33

A few friends of mine over the years have asked me to informally vet a potential boyfriend: apparently I have a good bullshit radar! If he's had a bad experience in the past he may be doing the same.

Fernanie · 23/02/2017 18:35

I don't think it's that weird, specially in your 20's. Could be that he just wants to be friends, could be that he wants to set you up with his mate, could be that he fancies you and wants to show you off, could be that he fancies you and wants a second date but this is the only night he's free. You'll never know if you don't go.
If you're worried about safety, bring a friend as well.

lottieandmia · 23/02/2017 18:38

Um, dating is weird these days and I've had the misfortune of having a guy try to pimp me onto his friend(s) on a date. I hope this is not the case here but be careful.

Oblomov17 · 23/02/2017 18:47

At first I thought it was weird. But given dating these days, I'm not so sure it is.

Why don't you just ask /text him:

"I thought that was a bit odd, but..."

Original poster
clownsnakes · 23/02/2017 19:15

I think I'm erring on the side of that's just how things are done now - I asked a few of my friends who are close to my age too and they shrugged and said if he's awkward maybe it's just because he wants to make it more casual. Basically, who knows?

But I'm going to go with my guard up and try to have low expectations - best way to avoid getting hurt I think. Thank you for all your advice!

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