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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I cant handle this pressure!

21 replies

Chickennuggetfeeder · 23/02/2017 07:04

This is going to sound like a really stupid thing but its driving me nuts. Im probably being a cow because how can dp wanting me to be happy be a bad thing? The thing is after years of "if your not happy im not happy stuff!" The moments when im concentrating on something and get constantly asked whats wrong! If i am upset about something its automatically assumed its his fault. Its driving me nuts!

Has anyone else experienced this? Im getting to the point i think the only option is cutting a smile in the shape of the joker on my face so im constantly smiling. Add to this i feel like such a bitch for finding this so smothering and anoying. Oh and talking changes nothing.

OP posts:

CrabbyJo · 23/02/2017 07:07

My DP is the same. Drives me nuts. I get "what's wrong baby" every day. I've come to the conclusion I must just have a miserable face haha.
It's exhausting though and feel I have to be over the top fake smiley all the time to make it stop.

Iris65 · 23/02/2017 07:11

Don't be fake. It sounds like he's micromanaging your mood!

Have you tried telling him how you feel about the way he behaves? If he doesn't know how you feel about it then it is not fair on him to complain.

tillytown · 23/02/2017 07:13

I had a bf who would get angry if I wasn't always happy, he would go on and on about how I must hate him if I didn't constantly smile, it drove me mad. I completely understand how you feel.

Original poster

Chickennuggetfeeder · 23/02/2017 07:13

I know that feeling im not an overtly happy person. I have a bit of a jack dee face so smiling isnt my natural look. Its just exausting. Ive had some really sad things happen will tell him about it then five mins later i have "whats wrong? why arent you happy? I thought i made you happy? Why are you shouting?" Ect ect ect.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chickennuggetfeeder · 23/02/2017 07:14

I have spoken to him about it over and over for nearly a decade it never sinks in.

OP posts:

Surreyblah · 23/02/2017 07:15

Co-dependency? Sounds claustrophobic.

Is he annoyed with you if you're not cheery, or anxious about it?

Original poster

Chickennuggetfeeder · 23/02/2017 07:30

He gets anxious that im leaving him.

OP posts:

Surreyblah · 23/02/2017 07:38

When he has no cause to worry? So then seeks your reassurance?

If this is a frequent thing suggest couples counselling to seek to address it.

Original poster

Chickennuggetfeeder · 23/02/2017 07:39

Also talking about how it makes me feel ends up with him getting upset that he just wants me to be happy but him wanting that is making me unhappy and so its a never ending frustrating cycle.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 23/02/2017 07:47

I see it from another perspective.

If you appear miserable more often than not, I can understand his concern.

My BIL IS has a tendency to have periods of looking very gloomy and it's very annoying. I just wish he'd stay home when he feels that way. I feel sorry for my Dsis.

Some people are very unaware of their facial expressions.

And if you always look unhappy, when will he actually know if anything is wrong with you. If happy and sad look the same.

Original poster

Chickennuggetfeeder · 23/02/2017 07:54

The thing is i havent changed we have known each other our whole lives and ive always been very introverted. I do smile but not when im thinking/watching telly ect. Maybe i am just a miserable bitch but if i have to fake who i am im going to be miserable but guess then he will be happy!

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 23/02/2017 08:03

XH got so anxious that I would leave him that eventually I had to (that's the very, very short form of the story). It seriously affected my sanity. Mind you, he did put on gloomy faces on purpose to get my attention. Hmm, I wonder if your DP had someone in his family, or a close childhood friend, who used to do that, so that he's kind of programmed to react to it? Still not easy to live with, but more understandable.

I'd have thought, though, after 10 years he should have got used to the fact that you aren't one of life's non-stop smiley people. It's a bit of a liberty to tell someone (who isn't an air hostess or a film star) that they have to continually put on a happy face. You're not just there to entertain him.

Cookingongas · 23/02/2017 08:14

I kind of do this. I ask "are you alright love?" Three or four times a day it's almost a tick. If we're silent or dh looks glum I just say it and or cuddle him. It's not borne from any expectation for him to be constantly happy but just habit/filling dead air/caring for him. He is very introverted and that- even after 15 years - is alien to me. I do worry that when he says he's fine he's not. As he doesn't express himself as fully as I do I fear that he holds things back, so it's also to reassure him that he can talk to me.

I suppose I am very lucky that he doesn't find me wearing, and annoying.

pocketsaviour · 23/02/2017 12:10

Were his parents unpredictable, making him responsible for their moods?

Have a read of this, pay particular attention to the last point.
www.cracked.com/blog/5-stupid-habits-you-develop-growing-up-in-broken-home/

Original poster

Chickennuggetfeeder · 23/02/2017 13:47

Its not the asking if im ok that gets to me i do that alot to out of habbit. Its the pressure that he can onky be happy if i am. Its exausting and in fact has the opposite effect.

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Joysmum · 23/02/2017 14:08

I have resting bitch face, my DD is the same.

I dealt with it by asking my DH why he thinks i would not say if anything was bothering me? He has no answer. He was then told that unless I mention something, everything is ok because it's really fucking itritating and is creating a problem where none existed. Rinse and repeat until boring. That's also meant telling him when little things have happened so he knows he can rely on me being open. I can only think he's been used to others who aren't upfront about their emotions so second guessing others was the norm.

Original poster

Chickennuggetfeeder · 23/02/2017 16:19

Yeah im wondering that. His mum is a very cold person who likes to guilt trip him alot so was wondering if that has something to do with it.

OP posts:

orangejuicedrinksup · 23/02/2017 17:08

It sounds tedious and claustrophobic.

It's actually incredibly controlling ( these "Mr Sensitive types" often are) like you're not allowed to have any feelings or be unhappy because he's "asked you".

It's like in his head he's preparing this weird defensive narrative in which he is the good little boy and you are Big Bad Mommy. Sounds tiring and completely non attractive, is there any good reason to stay with him?

Bookaholic · 23/02/2017 17:23

I worked out a few years ago that my dad saying similar to me was a horrible form of control. The constant drip drip drip of "I'm happy if you're happy" put so much pressure on me as a child, and there was no way to fight against it, because, hey, he just wanted me to be happy.

I fully believe it's a horribly manipulative thing to say and a power trip for the person saying it. It certainly was for my dad. There was plenty more that he did that made my childhood less than rosy, but this was one of the most insidious.

Original poster

Chickennuggetfeeder · 23/02/2017 23:22

Thats the hardest part how can you say them wanting you to be happy is a bad thing. Its very wearing.

As for the reasons we are together. We have alot in common, have three children and apart from this things are good and maybe i am just a miserable cow.

OP posts:

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 24/02/2017 12:26

Thanks for that link, pocket.

bookaholic 's post rings true for the way my sister treated me (I'm nc now). Not the same, but similar: The "I only want what's best for you" manipulation/smoke screen ...so I said I need time to myself.

His happiness is not your responsibility. He wants you to light up in incandescent happiness any time you are in his presence...that is controlling in demanding continuous adoration. Exhausting.

joysmum strategy sounds like a winner.

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