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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this gas lighting? Or something else?

23 replies

limon · 21/02/2017 21:42

Dd (5) woke up with a sore neck and a headache after sleeping on too many pillows. She was in genuine pain and crying a lot. Dh told me she was over-reacting. She also complained of a belly ache.

This is a recurring theme.

He's told me tonight not to give her calpol as it has bad e numbers in it (he smokes so I find this bizarre).

Tonight she's had blood in her urine. Dh told me not to call out of hours and that I was over reacting. I told him I wanted to get medical advice - that it was probably a urinary infection but that I'd rather check it out with a medical professional.

The reason it's got me thinking it's gas lighting is he's got me constantly wondering if I am over reacting. I've been suffering with anxiety and depression since having Dd but I wasn't anxious about the events of today - just wanting to take the best care of Dd

OP posts:

thethoughtfox · 21/02/2017 22:02

Blood in the urine always needs to be check by a doctor especially a child as they can become increasingly unwell very quickly. You are not over reacting. Trust your instincts

theansweris42 · 21/02/2017 22:17

Blood in urine needs checking.

You know what to do. Hope she's okay X

theansweris42 · 21/02/2017 22:18

Blood in urine needs checking.

You know what to do. Hope she's okay X

Broccolirevolution · 21/02/2017 22:18

You're right to check this. Ignore him.

Original poster

limon · 21/02/2017 22:23

I've checked and the ooh says monitor and take to go in the morning.

My question was about my dh attitude?

OP posts:

Moanyoldcow · 21/02/2017 22:31

I'm not sure if it's gaslighting but it's definitely unpleasant and selfish.

Topseyt · 21/02/2017 23:39

Ignore him. He sounds like an ignoramus.

Get her checked.

MichaelSheensNextDW · 21/02/2017 23:58

Your dh is using coercive control in order to prevent you giving your DD adequate healthcare.

Original poster

limon · 22/02/2017 07:56

That's what I think michaelsheen

OP posts:

Mommasoph30 · 23/02/2017 11:03

Get the child seen by Doctor and ignore him

HarmlessChap · 23/02/2017 11:18

Your dh is using coercive control in order to prevent you giving your DD adequate healthcare.

It would be of significant concern to me as to what is his motivation in doing so might be?

pocketsaviour · 23/02/2017 12:39

No it's not gaslighting. Gaslighting is when someone persistently takes specific actions - for example moving objects around the house - in order to make you doubt your own sanity and grasp of reality.

In this case, you have a difference of opinion. He doesn't sound like a particularly sympathetic parent, but there is nothing in what you've said that sounds like actual abuse.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/02/2017 12:44

He certainly sounds like an uncaring cock with no idea about medical issues with children.
Does he do other stuff?
Question everything you do?

PatriciaHolm · 23/02/2017 12:48

Blood in urine needs checking.

However, the rest is too much of a snapshot to tell anything, really. If you routinely dose her up with calpol several days a week for the smallest niggle, well maybe he has a point, but we don't know, do we. Would you say you are generally anxious about her health?

7feathers · 23/02/2017 12:56

Honestly - I have experienced gas-lighting and this doesn't sound as if it is. It sounds as if your DP feels that your daughter is trying to get sympathy. You mention it goes in cycles?

I wonder what's behind the stomach ache...

Bluntness100 · 23/02/2017 13:00

Your daughter sounds like she may be ill. Honestly get her to a doctor, don't mess around. Why he's trying to prevent it and prevent her having any pain relief is beyond me and is child cruelty.

HmmOkay · 23/02/2017 13:08

The telling you that you are over-reacting is one thing which would piss me off, but to tell his daughter that she is 'over-reacting' about the pain that she is in is awful. How does he know how much pain she is in?

And then to compound that by telling you not to phone out of hours and not to give her Calpol. He didn't want to be involved, but he wanted to actively stop you getting medical advice and giving her medicine.

If this is genuinely a one-off and just a difference of opinions, then I think you need to sit down and discuss the fact that your daughter was genuinely in pain, and that you did the right thing in seeking medical attention for her.

He was wrong in both dismissing her pain and wrong in trying to stop you from sorting it.

I have a feeling that this isn't a one-off. And your instincts are bang on. Tell him that you'll investigate the effects of e numbers in medicines just as soon as he packs in the fags.

SandyY2K · 23/02/2017 13:17

I'd forget trying to decipher if it's gaslighting and seek medical attention for your DD.

Getnakedorgohome · 23/02/2017 13:28

If you feel his attitude to you and your daughter is unpleasant, unkind and generally uncaring then does it need a name? Why would giving it a name change how you react? It sounds an unpleasant situation to live in tbh.

HarmlessChap · 23/02/2017 13:33

Why would giving it a name change how you react?
I guess like many things if there is a name its basically a diagnosis, so then you can research how best to deal with it.

Getnakedorgohome · 23/02/2017 13:36

Good point Harmless . I guess I meant more as a reaction to people saying it's not really gaslighting, it doesn't mean she has to put up with it if she is unhappy. That's all.

SandyY2K · 23/02/2017 14:09

FWIW I don't believe it's gaslighting. It's a selfish, irresponsible father, with little to no concern that his child is passing urine.

I'd ignore him and if that kind of stupid behaviour carried on, he'd be my Ex husband if he didn't see sense.

TBH thinking further, my worry would be if I went away for a weekend and my child was ill, that his attitude could leave her in danger when she needs medical treatment.

I know some kids may always have tummy aches and headaches, so you may wonder if it's genuine, but blood in urine can't be faked.

Very irresponsible behaviour.

StVincent · 23/02/2017 14:43

What is your DD like around her dad?

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