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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DDad has left DM - advice please

6 replies

flibflob · 19/02/2017 23:24

My DPs were married for 27 years, though have had problems before (have had counselling etc). Last Friday my DDad announced that he has found a place about half an hour away and was moving that weekend. DMum is devastated.

It's just me (early 20s) and my DBro (15 who has autism) - I currently don't live at home but am moving back to be with mum before I go away to work for 2 months in April. I have a good relationship with both my parents (mum and I had problems when I was a teen but are ok now) and want to support them both through this time, but also look after myself (have depression and PTSD, had a terrible year last year). I would really appreciate hearing the experiences of those whose parents divorced when they were older/an adult.

OP posts:

cafenoirbiscuit · 19/02/2017 23:27

Hand to hold.... stay strong (and impartial if you can)

Original poster

flibflob · 20/02/2017 00:40

Cafe thank you I've managed to stay impartial so far (I think). It's just the little things in daily life that I'm finding the hardest so far... for example I just had to delete DDad's Match of the Day series recording. It's such a minuscule thing yet it's another reminder that he doesn't live here anymore. He would be asleep on the sofa right now

OP posts:

Howlongtilldinner · 20/02/2017 03:55

You poor thing, must be dreadful watching your DM going through this. It may be that some time apart will improve things for them, sometimes having space can give you clear perspective.

My parents divorced when I was 8, so not comparable really. I do think, as an adult, you may find yourself 'taking sides' as you have mature opinions on the situation. I do hope they sort things out, 27 years is a very long time, although if most of that time they've been unhappy, maybe this is for the best. Your Mum is lucky to have such a supportive DD.

ElsaMars · 20/02/2017 08:58

I've been there. It's really horrible. Looking at it 9 years down the line, they're both happier and hopefully that will be the case for your parents too. Like a pp said, try to stay impartial but also be honest about your own feelings.

Timeforteaplease · 20/02/2017 10:06

I've been there too. My advice is do not get involved in this. Seriously. They need to sort it out themselves and you need to keep an healthy distance. I got far too involved in supporting my DM and 25 years later I am still living with the consequences of her dependency on me.
Stay neutral and keep your distance.

Triskel · 21/02/2017 09:52

You sound a lovely, lovely daughter. I think your Mum will need your love and support at this utterly devastating time and I don't think you will regret it.

You must however have boundaries, especially since you have some depression of your own. There are things about their relationship you don't need to know and you can support your mum without getting into the details and being leaned in too much.

Do you have a counsellor? If not ask your doctor for one for yourself and your Mum as the counsellor will support her but also protect you by absorbing some of the pain and advising your Mum against using you as a crutch.

I have to say that if you have depression and ptsd and your teenage brother has autism, it isn't the kindest of times for your father to walk out on his family.

I wish you strength.

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