How to finish with someone with the least fallout

[Gottabeaneasierway]

I want to call it a day with a guy I have been seeing and I don't want any hassle or ill-feeling, just a quick call it a day conversation and wish each other all the best.

Every single relationship I have had has ended badly (eg last two involved police and I am still experiencing problems with exh five years on) and I am really scared of the fallout. I have tried to work out what has gone wrong when I have wanted to end a relationship and I'm not sure but I think I must take responsibility for it as there has been so much flack and drama.

I look at other people who are still civil with ex-partners so I know it can be done.

Do you have any advice on how I should end it, especially if he doesn't want to or his pride his hurt?

Without knowing any the details.

'Hi. Sad to say but this isn't working for me. No hard feelings, or major grievances, it is just not for me. I wish you all the best.'

Just tell the truth. His hurt, his pride, he will get over it.

I can do that bit, it's the next bit I struggle with. I have never met a man who just accepts it. They always get arsey.

After you have told them, do you have to engage with them anymore? Can you not block their number, Facebook etc and walk away?

If this is a common theme for you when you end relationships you need to think about the types of men you are dating.

I agree with boo.

I haven't ever experienced "fallout" or someone getting arsey.

I take your point which is why I am worried but I do not have a type and this is a pattern for me in long-term and more casual relationships. I had to get a non-molestation order against exh for harassment after we divorced and the last guy I finished with smashed his phone and I had only met him five times.

I can do that bit, it's the next bit I struggle with. I have never met a man who just accepts it.

What happens after you say 'It isn't working - Best wishes'?

They will usually say they want to meet up to discuss it. If I am adamant I don't want to, they will ring and ring or turn up on my doorstep. One guy recently bombarded me with messages saying he would win me over, faint heart never won fair maiden and that was off and on for months. That's what I mean about it being impossible to stay friends.

How long have you been dating? If it's less than six months you really don't owe him anything more than a phone call

They will usually say they want to meet up to discuss it

But there is nothing to discuss

If I am adamant I don't want to, they will ring and ring or turn up on my doorstep.

block their number if they start phoning.
If they turn up, tell them that actually, this behaviour is what you may have suspected, is controlling and is a reason for not continuing a relationship so that very act of turning up is sealing the deal for you. And thank them for confirming your suspicions

One guy recently bombarded me with messages saying he would win me over, faint heart never won fair maiden

Block their phone, and echo the response above. Tell them you are not a fair maiden to be won, and this behaviour is just confirming your suspicions that were a part of why it wasn't working for you.

It sounds like none of these men respect your boundaries if they think harassing you will get what they want (not being dumped). Are there any patterns of behaviour in the men you date of them ignoring your boundaries early on? Ie they ask you out, you say no, they keep asking til you give in?

Regarding the immediate situation though - just pick a phrase and keep repeating until he gets bored. Something like "I've enjoyed our time together, but unfortunately this isn't working for me any more". Don't get sucked into a long drawn out conversation about what's gone wrong, as they may try to counter any of the reasons you give and convince you that you're wrong.

If it's going bad again, tell him you no longer wish to discuss it, you'll be blocking his number, and will not hesitate to call the police if he turns up at your house.

Hi OP, you can tell this guy, over the phone.
Don't draw it out, get to the point, be direct.
Hi 'Chap',
Just giving you a quick call, I just don't seem able to find time for myself lately. Not enough hours in the day.
So, I'll get to the point. I'm afraid this isn't working for me, there's so much I need/want to do. I just want to wish you all the best, take care. Over !
If he asks if you can meet face to face, say no, as I said, I need time for myself. Just do it, you'll feel so much better, without this hanging over your head. Don't forget to block him.
Perhaps you need to dangle a different bait, and catch yourself a better quality of man.

Honestly? Make them think it was their idea.

Just half kidding.

Wow, I've never experienced anything like that! I might occasionally have had someone ask if I'd take a week to reconsider, but never anything troublesome. Can't say I understand the wanting to stay friends bit either though.

I do think you need to be aiming to attract a different calibre of men.

i don't want to stay friends as such, just end it on friendly terms without any drama.

I honestly don't think its about calibre of men as I have experienced this since I was 17 and have had several long-term relationships, a marriage, a recent year long relationship and more casual dating too and I am not attracted to a type and certainly not bad boys or players. No one likes being rejected so I think it is that although why I personally piss men off so much I'm not sure.

In this case I have thought of taking the easier option of just gradually being unavailable until it fizzles out and dies a death.

This isn't a criticism OP, but do you think perhaps, that you may benefit from being a little more assertive. Sometimes "No",, is a complete sentence, and "This isn't working for me", don't really invite further conversation.
Why wait until it fizzles out, time to pull up your big girl pants, you can do this, you really can. 😀

Yes good point re assertiveness. I need to make a decision and be adamant.

I was going to say maybe you've just been unlucky, but if this is really a pattern with all the men you've dated, it is likely either to be something about the men you choose, or about how you interact with them in the relationship, isn't it? It sounds like, for some reason, they don't tend to respect your autonomy.

Unless you are doing something spectacular, like giving them a bullet point list of why you they're not good enough for you or cheating on them as an exit strategy, I doubt that how you break up with them is really the issue here.

I am not good at break ups, but I think general advice is: get to the point and be clear about it; be honest about what's not working, but as far as is consistent with that blame circumstances, or mutual incompatibility - it's easier for everyone if you can shape it towards a mutual decision; have the conversation face to face, but have it in a place where you can leave when you've said what you need to; arrange to meet a friend or do something nice afterwards.

Just be kind but honest that it's not working for you. I have had to eventually block a few men because they wouldn't accept my decision but on the whole, the others have been gracious and wished me well.

I think people respect honesty and honesty is a form of respect but ghosting is a no no for me.

I want to add that whatever you are doing, it is no excuse for their harassment.

And I also think that ghosting is really unpleasant, not to mention unlikely to improve the situation.

I have never thought of it like that. Of course it can't be the way I end it per se. I would never be cruel or personal. You're right that it must be something about the dynamic in the relationship.