Contacting SS about son?

[Garion]

I've posted about my son before, on a different name that I cannot remember in my cleverness.

Son is 21, lives alone in a flat, has a dog. As parents, and primary school headteacher, we had huge concerns about his mental health, headteacher suggesting definite ASD as his mannerisms and behaviour mirrored her dyspraxic daughter. Numerous pushes through CAMHS yielded nothing. He refused to open up to any counsellor although at 16 suggested if he had a gun he'd kill his sister in explicit detail lead to SS moving him into supported accommodation.

Son left special school with GCSEs, dropped out of college at first opportunity and has spent the past five years doing nothing with his life but sit playing computer games all day every day. His appearance is shocking, clothes often dirty and his flat is atrocious. Mouldy food sat on plates in every room, rubbish stacked in every room, dog shit left uncleared. When questioned he blanks and then don't see him for weeks. He's refused to open the door several times.

So concerns about his home condition, about his future, about his laziness and his mental health. DH has suggested calling social services and asking them for an adult review but would they even do anything? Are there other avenues we should look at? Son has had significant amounts of money off us in the past (we are disabled so cannot sort his flat out ourselves) this was the crux of my original post. We've stopped this since.

It frustrates and upsets us he is content to piss his life up the wall.

I think you've done the right this by stopping giving him your money. I suppose why not try SS as they may suggest a better suited organisation if they don't feel like it's their remit? I'm sorry I can't help more but I hope that the situation gets resolved. It certainly seems like your DS needs some counselling at the very least but sadly, more often than not, people only accept change when they're ready to.

Or could you contact his old school to see if they can suggest anyone for you to contact?

Who owns his flat? Housing associations often have support workers. He might find it easier to take advice from people outside the family, but if he's not in any danger, he's not obliged to have help.

His flats owned by the HA that grew out of the council. I believe they've tried to send a support worker out in the past as my son when detailing it said "Ain't getting up for no fucker at 9am". He is also very misogynistic, and is happy to openly objectify and verbally denigrate women. Sigh.

I guess my worries are related to possible resentment from him if we do try to push things.

You certainly could make a referral to adult social care. He sounds like a vulnerable adult, though not sure if he would exactly meet the definition, who is self-neglecting. The question I suppose isaround his capacity to make the decisions which leave him in his current situation, this can be formally assessed if needed.

Ultimately you are not currently able to make a difference to his circumstances, a referral may bring about positive change and at least alerts social care to what s going on. I would do it.

It is in the HA's interest to stay involved with support as they want the property to remain in good order. I think it's a good idea to try to push for support from SS, he is clearly not managing.

The sad thing is unless he's becoming a danger to himself or others, nobody can make him engage with services.

How good is your GP? I would speak to them regarding your concerns, they should be able to signpost you in the right direction.

How difficult for you OP. Could you speak to a support worker from a charity such as Mencap to see if they could advise anything? He obviously is in need of some sort of MH support. I have had help and advice from Mencap (albeit about a different issue), and they made an appointment for one of their advisors to come round and visit me.

His GP are crap. He has a great one two minutes from his flat but has never bothered registering there despite it's ease of access.

Just about to say what Misery says. My db lives in similar circumstances as a result poor concordance with medication for his mental health condition. It is so distressing to watch from the sidelines someone living in such terrible conditions and yet opting to reject any help offered.

As a side note is the dog cared for? If not I would have to do something about that, I know that may sound harsh but for me it would be intolerable to leave an animal to suffer regardless of any pleasure/reward it gave.

Sorry that my post is so negative, but from my own experiences this problem doesn't alway get better no matter how much you want it to and it becomes about acceptance. My db is 40 this year.

Garion I hope that things can be different for your ds.

I would also say I have unfailing sense of relief and gratitude that my db has a home and is not on the streets. I really don't think he would be still here otherwise.

My 24 year old brother is in the same situation and also has a weed addiction. At one point, when he was threatened with eviction due to a mistake with his housing benefit he threatened to 'tie the fucking social worker to a chair and set her on fire in front of her children'. Then he stormed out of my parents home and wouldn't answer his phone. In addition to his ASD he has clear mental health issues. My mum was so scared he would do something awful we phoned the police (non emergency number) and reported the threats in the hope that we could get him sectioned. We also contacted the GP and a few mental health charities. Everyone was sympathetic, but the police told us there was nothing they could do about the threats but they'd arrest him if he acted on them. The GP insisted he needed to refer himself because he's an adult and of course he refused. The charities gave us some ideas for helping him but the upshot was that he needed to decide he needed help and there was nothing anyone could do until he does. The life he lives is so far removed from how we were bought up. He fell in with a bad crowd and has invented this personality for himself. He behaves like a thug. At the same time he has no understanding of the world around him - my mum has to deal with everything that involves him interacting with people. She even books his doctors appointments because he wont pick up the phone. Some days he is happy and othr days angry or he cries. Its horrible. My parents were working class - an engineer and teaching assistant. We grew up in a council house which my parents bought. But, when you listen to my brother it seems like we were bought up.in a ghetto. He has this opinion that his life has been a poverty stricken struggle, but the truth is we were always very comfortable. I went to university, my other brother did an apprenticeship and we both have good jobs. It's very strange and sad when you hear him talk because I don't recognise the life he seems to have convinced himself he has had. I have no advice but wanted to share.

So much of what you wrote resonates strongly. The comments about the social worker, the poverty, pretty much everything, you could be describing my son. I guess we've started thinking that we are terrible parents, we're both disabled, but our daughter is his exact opposite. Hard working, conscientious, there's never been any kind of favouritism handed out and we've done our bests.

I guess there's really nothing to lose contacting SS, even though I expect him to reject their help. Also see no point in confronting him again, all it accomplishes is us being upset.

Thank you for sharing.

I'm so sorry - I have no advice to offer re SS but could you call the RSPCA for the poor dog?

OP has asked us to move this thread to Relationships and we agree that it might be a more suitable topic. We're going to do that now. Thanks all.