Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Boyfriend still loves ex?

18 replies

BrigiB · 14/02/2017 00:46

Hey guys,
Okay, so I'd like to get some advice on this.

My boyfriend (who's also my baby daddy) had a 6-year relationship from when he was 16 years old (so she was his first love too).
When we got together and sometimes even after that he mentioned her and told me stories about her and even sang a song that he wrote to/about her. They also met up every once in a while before he met me.

Anyways I have a feeling that he's still not totally over her? Even though we live together and he wanted to start a family with me but somehow I still feel this way.. silly things like we were talking about 'tv crushes' and everyone he mentioned looks like that type of girl that she is..
And now that Valentine day is coming up I asked if he wants to celebrate it because I never celebrated it with anyone + we haven't before. was just an idea but he flat out turned it down so I was asking if he ever had celebrated it and of course it turns out he did with her but he doesn't want with me? Anyways I know it's just another day but it still feels odd :/
Sorry for the rant I'm just a bit undecisive of what to do and how do I even ask? 'Hey are you still have feelings for your ex?' No...
pls pls help!!!

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 14/02/2017 01:09

If I truly felt my BF wasn't over his Ex and was still in love with her, I'd end it.

Putting valentine's day aside, is he good to you? Treat you well? Is he a good dad?

You know many people think valentine's day is commercialised and don't but into it.

Is he still in contact with her?

YazooAddict · 14/02/2017 01:50

There's very little in your message which would indicate that.

You don't mention the timings, but it sounds like he wants to be with you and hasn't really mentioned her since you first started dating.

People do have a fondness for their first love, it's a unique experience.

However, you're the mother of his child.

Don't let a set of loosely linked observations unduly influence you.

Maybe reiterate how much you want to celebrate your love for each other - maybe at the weekend when restaurant prices are back to normal and they're not packed?

Original poster

BrigiB · 14/02/2017 02:22

Yes, sorry maybe not too much detail but he talked about her to me after we started dating (and I don't know about it if they still talk to each other..) otherwise no, he's not very good with me and we argue a lot these days and mostly because he does something without even realizing that it's offensive or hurtful and if I mention it it's my fault..somehow he just always turns it around.. I really question if he loves me still or with me because he loves his baby.. he really does, he is a great dad there's no problem with that but he's just not the same with me anymote :/ ps. thanks for your opinions/advice

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 14/02/2017 07:03

I see two things here. Personally, a six week thing, wouldn't constitute them being an ex in my eyes however, if he'd known for ages before & really liked her & wants that back, everyone else he meets is going to be a placeholder until, she wants it again. Personally, I think you have nothing to worry about

Hatemylifenow · 14/02/2017 07:05

You lost me at "baby daddy"

Joysmum · 14/02/2017 07:16

You lost me at "baby daddy"

Someone who is so precious that everyone has to talk just like her to get empathy really isn't much of a loss to the OP

OP perhaps it's time that you start being more assertive in what you need from him. If you aren't feeling loved and cherished enough and need reassurance then you need to try telling him and seeing what his reaction then is.

If he reassures you then that's good, if he doesn't care how you feel then you gave your answer. Better to know sooner rather than later.

Hatemylifenow · 14/02/2017 07:28

It's a misogynistic term joys, hence I would discourage its use.

Joysmum · 14/02/2017 07:42

It's a misogynistic term joys, hence I would discourage its use

Actually that would depend on the intention behind its use. It's not a term I would use but where I'm from it's a new standard term from a generation younger than mine meaning "father of my child" and no more than that. This lady clearly isn't using the term with a misogynistic agenda either if you'd just take the time to think about its use in this context.

Language and it's useage evolves, you're the one with the problem for not understanding that and pushing your own agenda in preference to expressing empathy and support for a lady who clearly is very concerned and reaching out for human kindness.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 14/02/2017 07:51

Some people we honestly just don't get over, especially if we weren't the one that ended the relationship and didn't want the break up. The saying "you don't truly realise what you had until it is gone" is also very true.

If this is the case for him with regard to his ex, he'll probably never be satisfied with anyone else, wondering what could have been with somewhat rose tinted view of what their future would have been like. He shouldn't have had a baby with you if he wasn't committed to you though, which he wouldn't be if he still loved an ex.

Jessica4444 · 14/02/2017 08:16

I've had this before his ex wasn't very attractive but I had comments how she does it better how she knows what to do during sex it's soul destroying. I'd leave.

Theharderitry · 14/02/2017 08:32

Naze- 6 year not 6 week

TheNaze73 · 14/02/2017 08:38

Thanks theharderity

My attention to detail course starts at 9am

SandyY2K · 14/02/2017 08:41

I agree with you Joysmum, if someone's terminology makes you shudder, move on and leave it be. There's a lot of words used on MN that aren't for me, but I stick to the crux of the post and don't split hairs over it.

This was a 6 year relationship, not 6 weeks as someone said upthread.

tv crushes' and everyone he mentioned looks like that type of girl that she is.

Maybe there is a look of girls he's attracted to. If he wasn't attracted to you, he wouldn't have chosen to be with you and have a family with you.

How long have you been together?

Why don't you talk to him about how things have changed and he's not like he used to be with you, although it's normal for people to change over time in relationships. Changes come about from various factors going on in our lives...

But phrase it in a calm and non accusatory tone, saying how you miss those things he used to do. You can say it while you're in bed (after sex), while the mood is good.

If there are issues in the relationship, have you talked about them? Because I often find when things aren't going so well, people start thinking like this, and try to find an explanation for why things are not going so well.

SparklyMagpie · 14/02/2017 09:28

If you're not happy and you say he doesn't treat you very well then you need to have a talk with him.

Clnz4fun · 14/02/2017 09:38

I wouldn't have entertained anyone that didn't seem over there ex unless it was extremely casual.

I'm not over my ex and I have no intention of seeking relationships unless someone bowls me over and it makes me get over them.

He doesn't sound that great besides the still potentially in love with his ex.
He may just have fond memories of her since she was his first love and he's allowed to have them but not if they affect his current rls.

Sss506 · 14/02/2017 09:42

Is there anything else specific that makes you think he's not over her?

Not to worry you but I had this exact same experience, dating someone who'd just broken up with their childhood sweetheart/first love etc, I drove myself mad reading into lots of little things he said or did, all on their own possibly quite innocuous, but together it all just made me convince myself it meant he still loved her? He reassured me of course he didn't blah blah stuff about long relationships leaving you with memories and that's all it is. Fast forward a bit and she sent me screenshots of him telling her he still loved her & wanted her back. We'd been together nearly 2 years. At this point we'd been planning to move in together (instigated by him), talked about kids, booked holidays etc... all I mean is that sometimes the gut feeling/instinct is right. I could never shake the feeling he wasn't over it and I was right

Original poster

BrigiB · 14/02/2017 12:46

Thanks for everyone who replied, I didn't see the term 'baby daddy' as mysoginist, I meant it exactly as my baby's dad, so sorry if I offended anyone with it, I'm 22 and we use this term with my friends just to say he's the dad, besides I'm foreign.
SandyY2K you are right, maybe I just try to read into things only because I'm uncertain if he still feels the same. Because it doesn't feel like it and I told him this yesterday and he just started to play with baby instead and then 5-10 mins later looked at me and was like 'stop this silliness' why can't he just say yes or no.. this is not an answer..

OP posts:

Adora10 · 14/02/2017 16:20

Nothing wrong with your terminology OP, ignore it, it's irrelevant.

Having said that, not too sure what to advise other than having a really frank talk with him, tell him how you feel but when you are calm and feel in control.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread