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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wtf do I do now?!

19 replies

FFSenoughofthis · 13/02/2017 21:45

DP and I have been having problems for a while, a couple of weeks back he announced after a few drinks that he wanted us to split up. I suggested we try and work through it. It was never mentioned again. I tried to schedule time to talk, there was always an excuse at the last minute. I've tried texting him to see if he'd communicate that way and he didn't reply.

I've just gone in now, taken a big deep breath and said it's not working and clearly isn't going to work. He just ignored me. When I asked if we were just going to keep ignoring things he just grunted.

So wtf do I do now?! We're clearly both very unhappy, but if he won't talk, I actually don't know what I can do!!

OP posts:

HappenedForAReisling · 13/02/2017 21:49

I think you have to assume it's over and start getting your own ducks in a row ready for a split.

Hopefully someone more useful than me will be along soon to offer more practical advice.

Sorry to hear you're having a shitty time though.

Original poster

FFSenoughofthis · 13/02/2017 22:04

Thank you. Yes it's definitely over, has been for a long time really, but due to other circumstances we've tried to keep goingm I've definitely had enough now though.

It's so hard when he won't talk about it though. I really don't want to either, but it has to be done!

OP posts:

AutumnRose1988 · 14/02/2017 07:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

heyday · 14/02/2017 07:37

If he won't engage in having a discussion about this serious situation then you simply have to do what is necessary and best for yourself and your future. Get financial advice if necessary but start to make definite plans right now to move on with your life. Hopefully he will engage positively to the issues regarding your separation from each other so you can end this relationship amicably. Don't drag your heels now ....the time has come to finally move on regardless of whether he will talk about it or not.

AyeAmarok · 14/02/2017 07:43

What's your situation? Not married, any DC? To whom does the house belong?

I think you need to start protecting yourself with regards to separation. Get legal advice if there are assets to split. Do you work? Is your money in joint accounts? If so, take half.

Original poster

FFSenoughofthis · 14/02/2017 08:14

House is rented in both names. I have 2dc, but he's brought them up for as long as they can remember. Finances are separate, we've always kept things that way.

Other fly in the ointment is that DC's dad is terminally ill and has months at the most. So for them I need to keep things as normal as possible, so I'll need to stay in the house. I think this'll be the main sticking point.

I also need to sort out claiming tax credits etc again, not sure if I can do that in advance of a split though? Assuming not!

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 14/02/2017 09:34

Presumably he knows their dad is terminally ill. If he's raised them, what part has their dad actually played in their lives?

Anyway, if he won't talk, can you email and tell him due to their dad being ill, you need them to have some stability and stay in the home. So could he start looking for a place to live.

Montane50 · 14/02/2017 10:18

I found the only way my xh believed it was over was when i told our ds and my family. Horrible to do, and he was incredibly hurt by it, but he just thought i was having a hissy fit and it'd blow over. Sit him down and give him the option: either we both tell the dcs, or i do.

Original poster

FFSenoughofthis · 14/02/2017 10:37

I think an email might be the way forward unfortunately.

I just don't see why he's avoiding it so much. It's clearly obvious that the relationship has been over for months... well, years really. I've been trying to keep things together for the kids, which usually goes against everything I stand for, but given the circumstances it's a bit different!

Their dad is still part of their lives, they see him every couple of weeks atm, but he's always been a bit of a Disney dad unfortunately. I do hope DP stays around for them though, I'm 99% sure he will!

OP posts:

Original poster

FFSenoughofthis · 14/02/2017 15:52

So I text him saying we need to talk. He text back saying he knows that, but he's not in a good place and can't face things being bad at home too. I don't know what to do now.

I've been saying to him for years that he needs to a) tell me when he feels shit cos I don't have a crystal ball b) see a doctor and c) either apply for a new job or quit whinging about how much he hates his. I don't want to seem a cold hearted bastard, but I feel so stuck between a rock and a hard place!

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 14/02/2017 15:59

I would tell him that you can't face trying to hold things together anymore when there's obviously a problem and ask him where that leaves the two of you. Why should him not being able to face things being 'bad at home' trump you not feeling able to carry on ignoring it when things are obviously falling apart? Tell him you're finding this limbo situation you're in unbearable and that you at least need to agree a way forward, it's not fair on anyone to carry on like this.

Cherrysoup · 14/02/2017 16:02

I don't think it's being cold hearted to tell him you need to sort this out, even if he is in a bad place. You are not responsible for how someone else feels. I think you should press ahead, don't let him delay if you need this to go ahead.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 14/02/2017 16:04

Sounds like he wants it all on his own terms as and when he decides how to go forward from this. You sound like a strong, practical woman, hope you tell him to move out so you can focus on just you and dc. Life is too short to live like this xx

Original poster

FFSenoughofthis · 14/02/2017 16:34

I feel like he's probably in a bad place because of how things are with us, it's certainly been dragging me down!

I do just feel awful about it all, but then I've spent so long bloody patching things together that now I've accepted it's over I just want it done. I'm not even arsed if he stays living here for a while, I just want to know what's happening!

OP posts:

Original poster

FFSenoughofthis · 18/02/2017 00:22

We've finally spoken - isn't alcohol a great thing! We've agreed our relationship has been over a long time and that we'd both be happier apart. The one thing keeping us together is the kids.

He has said he wouldn't make us leave the house, but apparently it's down to me if we split up. Told him that was a spineless, shitty thing to do!

There's not anyone to blame, we've just grown apart. I'm actually feeling quite emotional about it all now he's fallen asleep. I so wish all this was easier!

OP posts:

AutumnRose1988 · 19/02/2017 07:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MojhitoSparkle · 19/02/2017 07:26

Gosh, sorry you're going through this OP. I'm glad you've had a chat and at least it has come to a head. What a shame for your DCs but it sounds like you are doing your very best and trying to make it as easy as possible for them. Xx

chillx · 19/02/2017 09:09

Off the subject. Do you know if your DCs dad has left provisions for them for after he passes. Not nice to think about but really important to know how things have been left for your children's sake. It could also affect you financially.

Original poster

FFSenoughofthis · 19/02/2017 12:30

Thanks all, I spoke to friends last night and am definitely convinced it's the right thing to do, it's just a case of when.

Going to speak to their counsellor and see what she recommends timing wise, usually I'd never advocate staying together for the kids, but it's exceptional circumstances.

chill I don't have a clue! As far as I'm aware he doesn't have anything to leave them, but I may well be surprised!

OP posts:

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