DS not wanting to see ExH

[Needtofeelsomething]

My DS who is 11 spends every other weekend with his DF. He usually grumbles a bit about going but then goes off ok. Today he's come home from school & said he doesn't want to go this weekend. I've had a chat to see if there is a specific reason & he doesn't really have one.

ExH rang earlier, before this convo with DS, to say that he's been given notice on his rented house. I told DS this & he has said he's worried that his DF will be in a bad mood this weekend because of this news.

I'm at a bit of a loss about what to do. On the one hand ExH is stroppy & hard work but I think it will upset him that DS doesn't want to go. On the other hand I don't want to force DS to do something he really doesn't want to do. He got quite upset when we talked about it.

When I said I'd ring ExH to tell him DS started shaking because he thought he would get angry & shout at him.

I'm in the middle. Any ideas on the best way to deal with this situation?

Maybe you need to dig a bit to find out just how much your exh has been shouting at your ds - that he is visibly shaking is terrible. .

Tentatively tell your ex that he's not keen. Your ex needs to step up and control his moods otherwise your son will not want to go at all.

Yes that would worry me greatly OP. Your DS is now old enough to decide whether or not he sees his DF and you should listen to that. Was he a bullying type when you were together? I feel for your DS.

If he doesn't want to go and stay could your ex take him out for the day instead?

ExH is a bullying, shouty person. 0-100 in seconds, it's one of the reasons we split up.

We also have a DD who is 16 & she flatly refuses to see him and that has caused problems. It's always my fault because he can't accept that his behaviour is unacceptable.

I have asked DS if there is a reason & he says that they don't do anything, it's boring, Dad shouts etc. ExH would not be receptive to this feedback. I spent years telling him that he would lose DD if he carried on treating her the way he does & as soon as she was old enough she stopped seeing him.

So I've spoken to ExH & told him DS doesn't want to go. He said OK fine & hung up. DS is visibly relieved.

I have a feeling it may not improve over the coming weeks.

Your DS is better away from someone who shouts and bullies tbh. That he was visibly relieved speaks volumes OP.

His relationship with your DS is not your responsibility now. You've done all you can to facilitate it. If you were to keep pushing it with DS then I think that could be damaging to him. Tough as it is you need to protect your DS.

The fact he hung up in a huff says all you need to know about him.

Good luck OP

Is there a contact order in place?

This is pretty much identical to my own situation, kids same age too, they see ExH for an hour a week but even that is a chore for them. Such a shame that these men aren't able to make more effort to have a good relationship with their kids. I know mine will soon stop wanting to see their dad, and when that happens he won't be able to see that it's his fault.

No contact order in place, this is an arrangement between us. I firmly believe that our issues should not impact his relationship with the children but I can't control his behaviour. Ultimately it will be that issue that stops his kids wanting to see him.

My DS feels torn because he loves his DF but he is hard work. DD has taken the brunt of it for the past few years because she can't be controlled any more. She's a strong willed young woman & he hates it. DS has the advantage of being a boy & still young enough to control but as he gets older he will wasn't to express his will more & that will cause problems.

When we split 2 years ago he cried & begged me not to take his children away. That was never my intention but we couldn't continue to live with him as it was making us all so unhappy. So this man who was so devastated to be losing his children now sees his DS every 2 weeks for 2 days but makes no contact in between those visits. He doesn't ring or text, nothing.

My DD decided to stop contacting him towards the end of last year & there was nothing from him for 3 months. It only changed because Christmas was coming & she said she wouldn't go to her Grandfather's on the day because he would be there. So after pressure from his DF he contacted her & then blamed her for not contacting him.

He has always been an emotional cripple. I was hoping that being out of our toxic relationship would give him some perspective on his behaviour towards his kids.