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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lundy Bancroft question

25 replies

LinManWellWellWell · 05/02/2017 21:15

I'm in the middle of reading 'why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft. It's a really good book, but challenging and eye opening at the same time. I'm.wondering about asking my EA OH to read it...I've been underlining everything that stands out as I go along. I just somehow feel it explains his behaviour in a way that I never could...

So my question is, has anyone asked an EA partner to read the book? And if so, was it helpful, or did it make things worse?

OP posts:

DaisyDoesIt · 05/02/2017 21:17

Please do not let your OH read that book!

DaisyDoesIt · 05/02/2017 21:17

They never think they are abusive, and you will be the one that ends up apologising for even bringing it up

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 05/02/2017 21:18

In the book I think Lundy says that when he educated abusive men about their abuse they used the knowledge to cover up their abuse, but still carried on being abusive. Now they knew the right things to say to convince people they had changed. So I'd be very sceptical about sharing it.

AstrantiaMallow · 05/02/2017 21:20

I was told it's not a good idea to show a man who is abusive this book as they could use the info against you or twist it whenever ...

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 05/02/2017 21:20

What is your purpose in asking him to read it? Are you hoping he will change?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/02/2017 21:23

No, please do not let him read this book.

Original poster

LinManWellWellWell · 05/02/2017 21:25

I think I'm just holding onto a (final) thread of hope that if he could just see his behaviour through someone else's eyes he might get it. Because it's so clear (and validating) to me when I read it.

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 05/02/2017 21:27

It's clear and validating to you as a victim. It won't be for him as an abuser.

Original poster

LinManWellWellWell · 05/02/2017 21:33

That makes sense. Glad I asked! :(

OP posts:

CocoaX · 05/02/2017 21:34

No, an abuser will not ever recognise himself as what is described.

Stupidly, even now, I think my ex's behaviour cannot be abuse because he (my separated husband) would not accept it as that. So what? It only becomes abuse when he recognises it as such? I need his approval to call it abuse?

Original poster

LinManWellWellWell · 05/02/2017 21:36

I COMPLETELY get that cocoa

OP posts:

Original poster

LinManWellWellWell · 05/02/2017 21:39

And this is all hard to read because I know that if he never accepts it as abuse, (but always thinks I have my part...and that I need to 'meet him halfway') then the future options become quite limited.

Deep breath...

OP posts:

CocoaX · 06/02/2017 08:11

Lin there is something my therapist pointed out to me which might help - it is the difference between compromise and being compromised.

Yes, a relationship has two parts but if your part is always thrown back at you and he does not own and engage with the implications of his part, you are not going to have meaningful conversation. It becomes a blame game where you cannot raise an issue because it comes back to you somehow.

Think about it, as I will, if you are seeking his approval to name his behaviour, even to yourself, this has eroded your sense of self and autonomous thought.

tigermoll · 06/02/2017 10:20

This is a very common feeling for people in an abusive relationship:

"If I could only get my partner to understand how what they're doing makes me feel they would stop "

I've seen friends go through this over and over again -- they believe that their abusive partner is abusive without realising, or meaning it, and somehow if they could just get them to acknowledge that their behaviour isn't OK, they will cease the abusive stuff and be nice to them.

Your partner isn't interested in treating you better. He isn't interested in changing his behaviour. He's interested in maintaining an abusive dynamic because it makes his life easier.

You don;t have to get him to agree. But you do have to leave the relationship. I'm sorry, and I know it isn't that easy, but it is that simple.

Original poster

LinManWellWellWell · 06/02/2017 10:20

Thanks cocoa … I am spending a lot of time thinking about how I could possibly explain it to him in a way he would understand.. and thinking that that might never happen is a bit scary.

OP posts:

Original poster

LinManWellWellWell · 06/02/2017 11:36

Thanks tiger , I'm fairly sure you're right. Which sucks. I kept trying and persevering when it was just me, but now I see the effects on my children, I just can't put up with it anymore. But it feels like I'm trapped between 2 situations which will cause my children pain. Somebody please tell me that my children will be happier if we separate. Also, do we have to leave? Can I get him to leave? The thought of them having to lose their home as well really hurts.

OP posts:

schlong · 06/02/2017 11:49

The situation they're in now is causing them pain and they WILL be happier if you separate. How you go about physically ejecting him I've no idea. Good luck.

Original poster

LinManWellWellWell · 06/02/2017 19:34

Thanks schlong

OP posts:

TempusEedjit · 06/02/2017 19:43

Do you own or rent your home? Are you married?

TempusEedjit · 06/02/2017 19:51

Oh and btw I agree with not showing him the book. Even if he did recognise the behaviours described he would find mitigating circumstances as to why things didn't apply to him, you'd driven him to it, he's only acting in your best interests etc etc. Not good to effectively give him a handbook telling him how to get to you even further.

Original poster

LinManWellWellWell · 06/02/2017 20:00

We are married and in a shared ownership (part mortgage part rent).

OP posts:

TempusEedjit · 06/02/2017 21:32

As it's the marital home he has a legal right to be there so it probably wouldn't be straightforward getting him to leave I'm afraid. Also even if he did leave would your lender allow you to take on the mortgage by yourself?

How old are your DC?

Original poster

LinManWellWellWell · 06/02/2017 21:35

10 and 4. And I certainly don't know about taking on the mortgage by myself. Lots to think about.

OP posts:

TempusEedjit · 06/02/2017 21:57

The courts can sometimes rule that the wife can stay in the house until the DC reach 18 upon which the husband will then receive the equity owed to him, however this can cause problems - have a Google of "mesher orders".

My own dad was abusive but as a child I'd have been horrified at the thought of my parents splitting up. However as an adult I have had to live with the emotional damage he caused me, I married a man just like him (divorced now), and still have regular counselling. I've never quite forgiven my mum for not protecting me from my dad and our contact is now very sporadic. I'd say your DC are young enough to cope with a seperation/house move, more so than growing up with an abusive father. They might not thank you for it short term but they are children and not in a position to judge what's best for them.

Original poster

LinManWellWellWell · 06/02/2017 22:43

Thanks tempus. I'm also realising that areas where my ds (10) has been struggling...school/change etc (hes been seeing an educational psychologist at school) are more to do with the toxic environment at home. So it may be that without that atmosphere, moving would be ok. Our last move was so stressful I vowed never to do it again..but I know the reason for the stress!

OP posts:

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