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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am i overeacting? How bad is this abuse?

24 replies

user1486084727 · 03/02/2017 01:34

Hi all i hope you can help me make sense of what has happened. Last weekend me and husband argued all day about the children (behaviour stuff) the argument got really bad and in anger i told him (several times) i wanted to divorce him...he laughed at me and said i just say things but have no plan so in anger i started to pack my bags. He went mad grabbed a handful of my hair and repetedly shoved his forehead against mine whilst screaming in my face. I was up against my daughters cot and he was pushing my back onto it. I told him " to stop as my daughter was coming up stairs instead he shut the door and went to carryon although he then stopped panicked

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Original poster

user1486084727 · 03/02/2017 01:41

After he panicked he ran downstairs shouting his goodbyes and saying he was going to kill himself. Grabbed some pills and locked himself in the bathroom. I was outside crying pleading with him to open the door until he finally did. I don't know what to make of it all. I can't tell my family (they would kill him) and i just feel like it's just been brushed off. He apologised said hes ashamed but i feel uneasy in keep breaking down in tears please give me some advice x

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Original poster

user1486084727 · 03/02/2017 01:46

Worth mentioning we have been together 12 years and he's pushed me once or twice before but this is the first time he's grabbed my hair

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SunsetOnTheHorizon · 03/02/2017 01:51

It seems like you both have some serious issues that need dealing with head on
Firstly his anger issues, pushing and shoving is abuse full stop.

Secondly him resorting to a tub of pills, is that a cry for help or is this something more serious?

Its an emotional rollercoaster, being treated like that and then scared stiff he is going to top himself.

Definetly see the gp and ask for some counselling. In the meantime ask yourself why the children are misbehaving, perhaps this behaviour from parents is upsetting for them.

Have a serious talk with DP if I was you, do not tolerate any more abuse.

Hope you manage to work thru ur problems

OneWithTheForce · 03/02/2017 01:52

So when he pushed you the first time, he had never pushed you before, but he has since pushed you again. Now he has grabbed your hair for the first time. His previous behaviour shows you that he repeats violent acts More than once. What do you think that tells you about your future with him? Are you ok with being pushed again or having your hair grabbed?

Original poster

user1486084727 · 03/02/2017 02:02

Both of you are right. I think i am still in shock at what happened. I am worried it will happen again and i will def listen to your advice. Thank you x

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OneWithTheForce · 03/02/2017 02:11

It will happen again. I know he isn't probably saying it won't, he probably said that the last time too. And the time before that. People treat us how we allow them to treat us. If you accept what has happened (by staying with him you will be accepting it) then you will be telling him, "I'm not prepared to leave you for this behaviour" in others words "you can keep doing this and I won't leave"

OneWithTheForce · 03/02/2017 02:11

I know he is probably saying it won't.

SunsetOnTheHorizon · 03/02/2017 02:20

It will happen again and who knows the DC may be around or walk in on thier Father abusing thier Mother.

Try to break everything down and tackle each issue. In the meantime perhaps ask him to move out... maybe give u some space.

Original poster

user1486084727 · 03/02/2017 11:02

I spoke to him and told him I'm not willing to put up with it anymore. He said he wants help and has agreed to see an anger management therapist. I am ready to reveal everything to his family too who can take him in whilst we work on things. He seems to be responding well and has told me he is willing to do anything to get us back on track. But I'm so weary as i know from other people posting, that they all say this...

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Original poster

user1486084727 · 03/02/2017 11:40

Thank you for your posts btw. They really help, also help me to realise I'm not the one that's overeacting x

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MNHQ

KatherineMumsnet · 03/02/2017 11:54

Hi there OP,

We're going to move this one over to our relationships topic, where we hope you'll find some more support.

We hope you don't mind - but we just wanted to link to some services that you might find useful: www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

Original poster

user1486084727 · 03/02/2017 11:55

Hi Katherine yes that fine. Im new to MN so wasnt sure where to post x

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Adora10 · 03/02/2017 12:24

Get this out in the open, don't keep it a secret, let him see that you are not just saying this but are actually serious; there's something very wrong in a relationship when it descends into fighting each other but he should not be putting his hands on a woman, he's stronger and can really hurt you, totally fucked up imo.

Easy for him to say, I'd not engage with him much until he could prove to me that he's actually getting better and can control himself.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/02/2017 12:31

"He said he wants help and has agreed to see an anger management therapist".

Yes they all say that. Threats to kill themselves are a tactic used by such manipulative men as well to get their victims into line. It will also take more, far more, than a few sessions with an AM therapist as well. Therapy can take years.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE and this is now the third instance of violence against you. Its three times too many.

He needs to be apart from you and your children as of now. I would argue he does not actually have an AM problem because he is probably all sweetness and light around other people. He does not for instance behave like this at work does he?. Only towards you behind closed doors. Men like this hate women, all of them.

You have a choice re this man User; your children do not.

RaisinsAndApple · 03/02/2017 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

user1486084727 · 03/02/2017 19:00

Thank you for all your posts. I really am taking everything you are saying seriously. I want to voice what is in my head though as i want to be completely honest on here. I know i will anger some people by saying this but please just try and understand. I keep going back and forth with what o want to do. One minute i am convinced of telling my family about it the next i am scared that it will ruin the relationship between them and him (i know it sounds insane!). They love him and have known him for so many years... also with him, i am so angry at him yet i look at him and i just want a cuddle...he is/was (i dont even know anymore) my best friend, we tell each pther everything and always very affectionate. Its been almost a week since it happened and i miss my husband the loving one not what he was the other night....im so upset, confused...i suppose this is normal to.feel this.way and i feel bad for moaning as there are some poor women going through so.much worse. Xx

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RaisinsAndApple · 03/02/2017 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

user1486084727 · 03/02/2017 21:05

One is almost 3 years old and i have a 6 month old too

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cmc1976 · 03/02/2017 22:03

User. My stbxh threatened to kill himself when I said I wanted to separate. Resorted to pushing me about and grabbing me around the throat, Controlling my every move going through my phone and threatening to kill the kids if I left. I've read on Mumsnet so many times The same situation. Yet I was too scared to involve police for fear of what he would do.
On Monday night I came home from work late and he flipped, attacked me and threatened to kill the children and me (he has said it numerous times). I managed to get the police and he has been charged and bailed. I'm still living in fear of him but at least my children and I are somewhere safe and social services are now involved and have ordered no contact for him with the children.
I should have left years,months, weeks ago. Please this is three incidents too many. They say they'll change. I learnt the hard way on Monday they don't.

RaisinsAndApple · 03/02/2017 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

user1486084727 · 03/02/2017 22:29

Cmc1976. Omg I'm so sorry your story is awful. I'm glad you and the children are safe. Was he always violent with you or was it a gradual thing? I'm 28 years old, i met my now husband in secondary school when we were 15. We are both hot headed and often argued but He has never been violent to me like this before. It is so out of his character and that's why it's effecting me so much. As far as I remember the previous 2 incidents were more of a push to get me out of the way as i was screaming at him (although you are right it's still wrong). With regards to the kids, he loves them to bits and he has never been violent to them. Your story really scares me but i really dont feel that my situation is as serious as yours xx

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Chesntoots · 03/02/2017 22:38

My ex often threatened to kill himself if I left. I ended up having a breakdown and unable to function properly.

Abusers use this line all the time. I know this now, but didn't then and I was scared in case he actually carried out the threat.

You can't change people. They have to do it for themselves and their actions are their actions and not yours. There is a massive difference between an abusive arsehole and someone with genuine mental health issues. Abusers try and convince you they are one thing, when, in fact, they are the other.

cmc1976 · 03/02/2017 22:44

It became gradually worse he was never violent to the kids and couldn't bare the thought of not seeing them all the time if separated so used threats to keep me there. The kids heard it and saw it and they are only little, 2 and 5. Now he's not allowed to see them because of what he's said and done.

I didn't think my situation was serious. Until I told my work who referred me to a councillor. Who informed social services. He beat me before social services had chance to act. If you see a doctor and inform them how you feel and what's happened they are duty bound to report it. I only wish I'd told someone sooner. Please don't underestimate the seriousness of it. Please take care of yourself and your children. Xx

fusspot66 · 04/02/2017 07:18

What sort of 'behaviour ' could a 3 year old and a 6 month old display that warrants all day arguing? I think that is another stick to beat you with/ to control you. Does he want them compliant?

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