Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

upset by hubby's attitude

13 replies

user1464180523 · 02/02/2017 12:32

Hi I'm new to mumsnet and just feeling a bit down. Basically my husband wants us to go away on holiday later this year, so we started looking into ferry crossings etc...anyway, long story short, I said I wanted to travel home early in the day so we'd be home in time for our 1 year old's usual bed time. This made him suddenly get angry and say I always want us to plan everything around naps and bed time and how he's paying for the trip so he wants to make the most of it. The thing is, I want to make the most of it too obviously, but I also know it's not possible (and not fair) to just carry on with what we want to do when DS is tired & upset. I feel like he blames me for this, even though I feel like it's unavoidable. Has anyone else had this problem with their other half??

OP posts:

KinkyAfro · 02/02/2017 12:35

It sounds like a non problem really, is it really the end of the world if your DS is up a bit later than usual?

lookatmenow · 02/02/2017 12:41

You're looking at the bigger picture, he's looking at one day wont do any harm to the baby if his routine is different. Can see the point from both sides, no one is right or wrong, he's just verbalised in a rant which is wrong but maybe you always put the baby routine first when deciding on things to do when infact a slight change to it wont be a problem.

I ussed to be like this around evenings that the baby had to be bathed, fed, wound down period then sleep all at certain times when it wasn't a problem if the baby missed a bath one night or fell asleep on the way home and straight to bed!!!

Ilovecaindingle · 02/02/2017 12:44

The thing about holidays is that they are a change of routine /break from the norm. Your dh is just organising a holiday for everyone and inbu to expect the baby to fit in with the plans. Or were you keeping to the normal schedule every day of the hols too?

whocaresanyway123 · 02/02/2017 12:46

Agree with KinkyAfro, is it the end of the world? is it really a problem if so for who?

Maybe you should think about your husbands needs too, a child should enhance your life not rule it.

corythatwas · 02/02/2017 12:47

I wouldn't get angry but I would take the same stance as your husband. A break in routine, learning to cope even when you are a little tired or disorientated, learning that this is nothing dangerous are actually quite useful things both for a child and the parents.

Happybunny19 · 02/02/2017 12:50

This could very easily be resolved with a little give and take. Surely a reasonable compromise can be achieved and it's only one day. Your LO will be ok with a slight change in routine and at that age they mostly sleep in transit anyway.

Are you regularly restricting plans trying to work everything round DC's routine? While that's entirely understandable, it can be amended round what you both want too sometimes.

ElphabaTheGreen · 02/02/2017 12:51

I see entirely where you're coming from, OP. Both of mine were terrible sleepers and if we didn't stick strictly to their routines I'd have an entire night of screaming mess then a 'morning' of 4am. For some children, you can't dick with their routine 'just for one day' or 'because it's a holiday'. It would just defeat the whole purpose of a holiday.

My DH occasionally gets arsey about arranging our days around naps, or avoidance of naps and bedtimes (still have a napping 2.5yo plus a 4yo who Must Not Nap or it screws up the whole evening). We have an agreement that if he wants to dick with the system, then he gets to deal single-handedly with the fall-out. When that is put to him, his ardour for keeping to the routine usually returns Could you say something to your DH along the lines of, 'OK, we'll time things as you want them, but you're dealing with DS from the time we get in - I'm going to bed.'?

Gallavich · 02/02/2017 12:53

I'm with your husband tbh

TheNaze73 · 02/02/2017 14:27

Totally with your husband. Obviously understand the need for routine but, it's a holiday & I think you're being a tad inflexible

Original poster

user1464180523 · 02/02/2017 16:01

Thanks for all the replies and view points....maybe my post made it sound like I'm being inflexible but it is always ( and always has been) me who deals with looking after DS, putting down for naps and bed time etc so i'm the one who knows first hand the effect of skipping naps or going to bed too much later than usual. Last holiday DS fell asleep in the car 5 minutes before we got back and then I spent the next hour trying to get him to go back to sleep in his cot. I wouldn't mind just letting him nap in his buggy while we're out but unfortunately he never seems to do that! He's 14 months old now though, so maybe that will change before we go. It just feels like going on holiday is more work for me. I know my other half is tired from work. But i'm tired from work too (even if my work is 'just' looking after the baby and the house). Good suggestion Elphaba, about keeping to my other half's schedule but letting him deal with the fall out ...

OP posts:

ThinkPinkStink · 02/02/2017 16:11

I can see why you want to get back earlier, and maintain DSs routine, and yes it's only one night, but it'll be you who deals with the fallout and it doesn't sound like you get much any support.

Quite aside from what time you get home (which I think is quite trivial) I'm saddened that your husband jumps to the offensive, that "he's paying" so it's his choice. In a family situation it shouldn't really matter which pot of money a holiday comes from, it should be discussed and agreed between the two of you what works best for you as a group.

Is this reaction an example of how he normally conducts himself?

Original poster

user1464180523 · 02/02/2017 16:28

ThinkPink, I suppose this is what has really upset me. This kind of thing happens every once in a while when he's had a few drinks and then goes off on one. Unfortunately he really seems to think that because he's the one getting paid, he has final say.

OP posts:

ThinkPinkStink · 02/02/2017 16:41

While he's working, you're also working - I presume you're in during the day raising his child, which is work. Is that right or do you have some other childcare situation?

And you're right that drink can bring people's true thoughts to the surface (it can also make people talk shit, though). Have you had a broader conversation about the relationship and what each of you brings to it?

I'm v lucky in that DH 'gets' how hard I work to keep the house running with 4month old DD, but I know that when he takes over looking after her day-to-day (shared parental leave) he'll be genuinely shocked how fully-absorbing and exhausting it can be. Has your DH ever looked after DS for any period of time?

Flip