Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Don't want DH to see his ex - am I being unreasonable?

20 replies

twirl123 · 30/01/2017 17:10

DH and I have been invited to a party next month and DH's ex will be there. I feel so uncomfortable about it. I have said I won't go and he's ok with it but I really don't want him to go either.

OP posts:

WannaBe · 30/01/2017 17:11

Why? What is the background to this?

miracleplease · 30/01/2017 17:12

YABU, you're all grown ups. He's allowed to go wherever he pleases.
Do you trust him?
By all means explain calmly how you feel, but trying to control him (by guilt or otherwise) is a bad idea.

ShatnersWig · 30/01/2017 17:15

Unless there is some serious backstory here, I think you're being ridiculous.

SpongebobRoundPants · 30/01/2017 17:17

Why? Do you think he's going to have sex with her at the party In front of you?

SpookyPotato · 30/01/2017 17:18

What's the backstory that's making you worried?

Original poster

twirl123 · 30/01/2017 17:22

Yes, I agree it's unreasonable. I just can't get it out my head that I don't want him to go.

His ex is a horrible person. She treated him badly. Left him for another man who she since married. They stayed friends afterwards. In the early days of our relationship he used to talk about her a lot and I felt like there was perhaps some unresolved feelings although he denied it. I met her on a couple of occasions and she was very condescending to DH in front of me and other people. It wasn't called for. DH took it and didn't stand up for himself which isn't like him at all although he says he was a bit of a doormat when they were together and she would treat him badly. Anyway, eventually DH stopped all contact with her after she made a nasty comment about me on email which I saw at the time. She tried on a number of occasions to get back in touch but he hasn't contacted her as far as I know.

I just hate the thought of him being treated badly by her again. He says it doesn't bother him so I guess I just have to accept that.

OP posts:

SorrelSoup · 30/01/2017 17:26

I think that you should go together and show a united front. Let her see how happy you both are. Don't plan to stay all night; go on somewhere after just the two of you. You're giving her too much power.

Surreyblah · 30/01/2017 17:30

Yabu, and your issue is trust in your H and his behaviour towards you and her in the past, not her.

Plus, you can't know that she's a "terrible person".

fruitbats · 30/01/2017 17:36

He's an adult. It's up to him if he allows her to be condescending towards him. How long have you been married? Things may be different now. Just go along with him.

SparklingRaspberry · 30/01/2017 17:37

I think you can class someone as terrible by going off their behaviour and actions.

I get why you feel the way you do OP. If I'm totally honest I'd probably feel the same way especially if she had been nasty towards me in emails when I hadn't done anything to her!

Your options are to not go and piss off your OH by asking him to also not go or you stay at home and let him go by himself and trust that nothing will happen.

It's up to him to defend himself if she starts.

jeaux90 · 30/01/2017 17:44

Sorrel has the good way forward. Do that and dispel the myth of her at the same time x

Original poster

twirl123 · 30/01/2017 17:46

Thanks for the replies. I do trust DH.
I agree maybe 'terrible person' is the wrong choice of words. I'm generally not a judgmental person and get on with everyone but this ex just rubbed me up the wrong way. I tried to be friendly to her and make conversation but she was rude to me and as I said condescending to DH.

I can see why you would all say I should go but I'm suffering with PND at the moment. I'm just not in the right frame of mind to go. I would love to be able to go and not give a toss what someone thinks of me (or DH) but I don't think I can do it.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 30/01/2017 19:45

YABVU

Hissy · 30/01/2017 21:52

Life's too short, do something else that day, you don't need to go to the party

pocketsaviour · 30/01/2017 21:57

I was about to say go with what Sorrel said, but if you are suffering PND then I think it's understandable you want to avoid conflict.

Can you talk to him honestly about how he's feeling and ask him to consider staying home as well? Of course, that will depend on what the occasion is and who's throwing the party. If it's a good friend of your DH, he may feel he "should" attend.

BonnyScotland · 30/01/2017 22:19

I find life way easier by avoiding situations that would leave me feeling even remotely uncomfortable, and that works for me. Therefore I would not go, but I wouldn't stop him going.

Original poster

twirl123 · 30/01/2017 23:32

Thanks for the kind comments. I'm not going to say anything to DH. I realise it's my problem not his. The party is a reunion organised by one of his oldest friends so I know he'll want to go. I haven't been able to talk to anyone in real life because I'm embarrassed that I feel like this. It's been going round in my head for ages and as the date gets closer it's getting worse. Thanks for listening to me moan!

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 31/01/2017 03:48

Its best you go to the party together as opposed to one of you

Bear in mind tho that if she's talked to your man like shit in front of you and others before then she could possibly do it again. How will you handle that? If he doesn't defend himself it will be embarassing. Not much fun on a night out. Id question why he wants to go if he knows she is there and is condescending, has tried to get back in touch with him before etc..... but if you dont want to make a big deal of it thats fine

If you find you want to say something to him tho then do so - its your relationship. I doubt many women would want their to come across their partner's ex speaking to him like crap, and him playing doormat by taking it

Is the party even worth it anyway..the dynamics sound off-key she's been rude to both you and your man. Im not one who thinks YABU why should it be ok for her to be rude to you? You're perfectly entitled to feel upset about this. Hope you come to a conclusion that makes you feel better

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 31/01/2017 04:06

Given the whole story, I'd understand your concerns.

But bear in mind, your emotions and hormones are all over the place right now (my sympathies, PND is shit) and worrying about the past and what may or may not happen is clouding your perspective.

If it's a party with lots of people, he can easily avoid her. And she sounds best avoided.

SandyGEE12 · 07/02/2017 18:43

I wouldn't go. I have forced myself to go to Party's when someone would be there who I'd rather not see on a couple of occassions It just made the whole night and time leading up to it awful. If i were you i'd organise something with a girlfriend that night, and let your husband see his friends.

Flip