OH has left

[DropZoneOne]

He'd been out with DD8 and her friends. Got back about 8:30, stormed into the house shouting about how horrible she'd been - I was in the middle of preparing dinner, it all took my a bit by surprise. Next thing I hear DD crying and begging to be allowed to go to an event on Sunday that I'd bought tickets for months ago. I said something like "oh why did you threaten that?".

Next thing, he's stomping around the kitchen "So it's all my fault is it, you haven't heard what's she's said to me". DD sobbing in the middle. I manoeuvred DD up the stairs and said to OH "why don't you go out for 10 minutes to calm down". He went to open the door saying "I might not come back" and I flipped.

Our marriage isn't great, hasn't been for a while, and he mutters this all the bloody time, "I can't live like this", "Maybe I'll leave" whenever we disagree over anything. I didn't react well this time and shouted "Well leave then. If that's what you want, just go. I'm sick of you threatening it every time there's an argument". And he went.

I spent about 20 minutes calming DD down, finding out what has gone on, getting her ready for bed. Rang OH mobile which has rung out and left a message on his mobile saying I'm sorry, we need to talk, could he call me back.

That was 30 minutes ago and there's nothing from him. I don't know any numbers of his friends. I don't want to beg him to come back, but I do want to know that he's safe. WWYD?

Did your DD tell you what happened?

Maybe he's just cooling off for a while, does he do this often?

Sorry you are going through this. Honestly, I'd make sure my dd was ok and settled, pour myself a large glass of wine and leave the man child to sulk.

Best advice i've ever received is "Never follow an angry man" just let him go. There is no reason to believe he isn't safe. Let him calm down and the find out what the real problem is? Is his work going okay? Men are always extra special arseholes when work is bad.

He's an adult, sure he can fend for himself for a few hours.

What had actually happened today?

What has happened on the previous occasions he threatens to leave?

Do you love him?

In all honesty do you want him to be safe but not come back, or do you want him, as he is, to come back?

OK rule #1 in my book is back your OH up with parenting at all times. My DW and DD clash terribly and sometimes the punishments spiral out of all logical sense but we talk about them, away from DD, and if she agrees that she has over-reacted she will give DD a way of earning her way out of the punishment. However I would never undermine DW in front of either of our kids and I wouldn't expect her to do it to me.

Is it a case that DD knows you will side with her against him and feels she can get away with treating him in a different way than she would treat you?

Oh and he's an adult, he's fine. He's either cooling down or deliberately making you fret.

Leave him be and he'll come home when he's ready.

If I'd bought tickets for something months ago and DH said child couldn't go as a punishment - he'd be thinking of something else instead as I'd not be happy about that decision being made for me.

Are things shit as a couple or as parents? Are you on the same page parenting or like has been said does dd think you are the one with the upper hand on the final say? Maybe he thinks it's him versus you +dd?

He'll be back... let him just have some space to gather himself

Then when he does come back ask what happened and back him up if DD has indeed said/done some thing she shouldn't have.

As HarmlessChap says, always back each other up in front of DCs. DH and I always act as a team and bavk each other up. If one of us thinks the other has gone a little OTT with a punishment we'll talk about it away from the DC and then discuss a solution together. But we never want them to think that we can be played off against each other.

If DC find a weakness, such as the parents not being a 'united front' they'll take advantage.

In the meantime just have a glass of plonk and have some 'me time' too

Thanks for the support, he's back now. Slightly apologetic (as am I) and still a bit sulky (as am I!).

Yes, he does often walk out to calm down when he gets angry. But I haven't ever told him to! So I wasn't sure if he'd be back or not this time. I did/do want him back, but I want him to realise that we can't carry on like this and we need to sort it out. We tried couples counselling for one session, after which he said he didn't want to go again.

The DD thing - she's an only child, she's not good at sharing our attention, I don't know how to help with this. Usually, I try to explain that I'm helping xxx now and then I'll help her. It seems OH was helping her friend, DD went into a sulk, and OH snapped at her that she always did this and it wasn't nice and she over-reacted and called him names, and started crying and screaming. So lots of frayed tempers all round, goodness only knows what her friends think and what they've told their mums.

Harmless OH has a tendency to pick a big thing to threaten that he doesn't follow through on, because it's something in the future i.e. not an immediate consequence. Along with the activity this weekend, he also told her she wouldn't get her birthday party (2 months time). The effect is that she gets even more worked up. But, yes, I should back him up and give her a way to earn it back instead - which I have managed to do in the past. I guess I was just reacting to the wave of negativity that came crashing through the front door.

This isn't counselling, but you may find it useful.

www.themarriagecourses.org/

And I do think her behaviour deserves a punishment?